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The Meat of It (polyamory)
8 years ago
It's time to talk about Poly.
My beloved wife
catwolf and I are polyamorous, have been since the start, and now, also, open about it.
This openness has been a long time coming... a long time in the making. It was not easy for me, and it can still be hard sometimes. I’ve endured tremendous pain and indescribable joy, truly the full range of emotion. I'm going to talk about some of my experiences, because this openness is part of my healing. For me, writing about pain identifies it, and just naming the thing is sometimes all it takes for it to be burned away forever. Some injuries take more work and leave more scar tissue. I am going to talk about some stuff that is personal, and perhaps uncomfortable to hear - but it’s worth it :3 Prolly some stuff that will be triggering for some people. Some of my experience is too personal to share here, but this will be by far my most personal journal I've written.
As alluded to in previous journals, I've had to deal with some stress lately - and some serious emotional pain. It nearly claimed my marriage - and to be perfectly straight, it still could. But I think the chances of that have dropped considerably in the last couple weeks. Overcoming this pain, though, has been one of the more important transformative steps I've ever undertaken, as it not only has potentially saved my marriage, it may have just saved me from myself.
Emotional pain manifests itself as tightness in my chest and darkness in my psyche. My prior Bad Attitude is the result of a failure to identify the pain as something that is Not Me, instead absorbing it and forcing myself to accept it as Me. My awakening of late is founded almost entirely on the basic idea that I simply do not want this tightness anymore, and that I am able to address Darkness with open eyes and love in my heart, sometimes vaporizing it instantly by seeing it for what it is. Sometimes a hurt needs more work, but any price is a bargain.
I am definitely poly - like a gay person knows they are gay. It took some time to figure out, though. I may, in fact, have always been this way, but the identification took years of development.
When I divorced my first wife, I didn't want to marry again because I could not be happy being monogamous. I had heard of “poly”, and thought I understood what that meant, but I guess I thought of myself as a “swinger” instead. I definitely wanted to sexually pursue other people, but the idea of multiple simultaneous true, deep, textured, loving relationships seemed - wrong. Upsetting, even. My morals were loose, but this seemed even too much for me. I'm pretty sure now that what I felt was, in fact, fear.
A lot of you were there when I met my wife XD (and we are both still in awe over the support we received). When we decided to marry, it was only after a lot of talk about what we wanted out of our relationship, all of which was basically complete bullshit, because we’ve both changed so much as people. Our relationship was founded with complete naivety concerning the future events that have made up our history. Some things were straight-up lies - told also to ourselves so as to make a marriage work.
Ours has been placid sometimes, and tumultuous often. After eight years together, each of us has evolved so much that we are basically completely different people than who we were. I learned what Poly truly is, and I worked toward it. Through sustained love, our relationship has similarly matured with time. Somehow - we have endured strife that would’ve ended weaker marriages. And, though who we are to each other has shifted over our history, we've maintained some very basic constants: we are in love, and we let the other have other partners.
I was gonna end that last paragraph with: “and neither of us can keep it in their pants,” because it's funny. But it also effectively serves to minimize my point. Which isn't sex. It is about forming complex relationships with others while maintaining trust and love with your primary. It took me a few tries to get it right, but, while recently rekindling an old flame, I did eventually. Things are looking up.
Throughout most of our marriage, up until a couple weeks ago, I had always harbored a feeling of disparity. I felt bad, a lot of the time, because I watched my (still, btw) gorgeous, young wife have no trouble getting whoever she wanted, while I, a fairly typical older white guy with nothing particularly interesting going on, other than being tall and awkward... kinda just sat there and watched. Since forever. Sitting on my insecurities. Growing bitter - so slowly I didn’t notice. The seeds of resentment built. And, I maintained this resentment by always reminding myself my situation was unfair.
This was kept - and nurtured. Just guess how this may have affected my interactions with all those around me, especially those closest to me. Those I wanted to be closest to. If you guessed toxic, you are correct. And I felt justified af. That sure helped me hang onto that tightness in my chest like a cradled child. Guess how this may have affected my relationships - not just that with my mate. I carried this tightness with me throughout the day. At my job. Getting a job. Chilling with friends. Even with my children.
Slowly, slowly the connections of intimacy and tenderness and general closeness began failing. No work was being done to keep these connections alive. I was experiencing my marriage failing in slow motion, and now I am able to watch the film in real time. I can see the arc of things now.
My wife met her boyfriend at a party in 2014, but their relationship began a couple months ago. I took the news poorly - in no small part due to the damaging circumstances of its revelation (I'll not explain further). This was followed by a quick succession of dramatic news and ultimatums that left me reeling.
I had forgotten I was poly, I felt my situation was unfair. My wife’s happiness did not outweigh my own. I was Jealous, and I couldn’t handle it.
Then something weird happened - an awakening inside of me. My brother had called me out after a bitter interaction - and I was able to finally able identify my bad attitude for what it was. I really was at war with the world. Then I asked my wife what I was doing wrong, and she told me: More happy memories. There have not been enough recently. And though my intent was always pure, she was right, no question. I began an intense period of self reflection lasting some days, asking myself questions and searching deeply for honest expression.
My conclusions were simple:
- I am free
- My wife is free
- We love each other
- Communication is essential
- Negativity is death - look fear in the eye
- Love and positivity are the keys that unlock all doors
Nearly daily I take stock of what I am actually feeling, and why, to maintain my attitude, and keep its coat healthy and shining...
I’m paraphrasing here. What I say seems trite... but - I guess I got it now. Most of my jealousy and negativity about the state of my own relationship with my mate has basically burned away.
When I am alone now, the tightness and emotions sometimes return, but briefly, and I am in control. What I feel now, mostly, is called, apparently, compersion.
From en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory:
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy, and the term is regularly used by members of the polyamory community in the context of polyamorous relationships. It is used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship.
It’s not perfect, yet. Negativity creeps in over long absences. But I am always in control. And I now celebrate my wife’s growth and happiness wherever that happens, and whomever with. Having a lover now makes this all so much easier, but with or without her, my mate is my Primary - my Baseline. Knowing she is happy makes me happy.
The aspects in my relationship with my wife that remain contentious are really no different than those any monogamous couple will face. The fact that we are poly does add layers to some of these problems, but they will still be solved.
In our discussions, topics have come up that neither of us felt the other wanted to hear - but needed to be said anyway. We have had talks about:
- Limits
- Boundaries
- Expectations
- Communication
- What’s Negotiable and Non-Negotiable
- Abuse/Manipulation
- Support vs. Independence
- Divorce/Separation
- Mistakes
- Forgiveness
- Guilt
- Trust
- Recovery
- Interaction of Fursonas
- etc.
...
Many of my insecurities remain - but the fear that stoked them is being blasted away quickly.
Some things of which I am absolutely certain: Being poly
- let me marry my wife, and has allowed me to develop a secondary functional, loving relationship.
- has kept us together.
- continues to strengthen our bonds <3
This is a v big deal
...
I’m open!
I am happy to answer any questions you may have in the comments below :3
Thanks so much for reading
My beloved wife
catwolf and I are polyamorous, have been since the start, and now, also, open about it.This openness has been a long time coming... a long time in the making. It was not easy for me, and it can still be hard sometimes. I’ve endured tremendous pain and indescribable joy, truly the full range of emotion. I'm going to talk about some of my experiences, because this openness is part of my healing. For me, writing about pain identifies it, and just naming the thing is sometimes all it takes for it to be burned away forever. Some injuries take more work and leave more scar tissue. I am going to talk about some stuff that is personal, and perhaps uncomfortable to hear - but it’s worth it :3 Prolly some stuff that will be triggering for some people. Some of my experience is too personal to share here, but this will be by far my most personal journal I've written.
As alluded to in previous journals, I've had to deal with some stress lately - and some serious emotional pain. It nearly claimed my marriage - and to be perfectly straight, it still could. But I think the chances of that have dropped considerably in the last couple weeks. Overcoming this pain, though, has been one of the more important transformative steps I've ever undertaken, as it not only has potentially saved my marriage, it may have just saved me from myself.
Emotional pain manifests itself as tightness in my chest and darkness in my psyche. My prior Bad Attitude is the result of a failure to identify the pain as something that is Not Me, instead absorbing it and forcing myself to accept it as Me. My awakening of late is founded almost entirely on the basic idea that I simply do not want this tightness anymore, and that I am able to address Darkness with open eyes and love in my heart, sometimes vaporizing it instantly by seeing it for what it is. Sometimes a hurt needs more work, but any price is a bargain.
I am definitely poly - like a gay person knows they are gay. It took some time to figure out, though. I may, in fact, have always been this way, but the identification took years of development.
When I divorced my first wife, I didn't want to marry again because I could not be happy being monogamous. I had heard of “poly”, and thought I understood what that meant, but I guess I thought of myself as a “swinger” instead. I definitely wanted to sexually pursue other people, but the idea of multiple simultaneous true, deep, textured, loving relationships seemed - wrong. Upsetting, even. My morals were loose, but this seemed even too much for me. I'm pretty sure now that what I felt was, in fact, fear.
A lot of you were there when I met my wife XD (and we are both still in awe over the support we received). When we decided to marry, it was only after a lot of talk about what we wanted out of our relationship, all of which was basically complete bullshit, because we’ve both changed so much as people. Our relationship was founded with complete naivety concerning the future events that have made up our history. Some things were straight-up lies - told also to ourselves so as to make a marriage work.
Ours has been placid sometimes, and tumultuous often. After eight years together, each of us has evolved so much that we are basically completely different people than who we were. I learned what Poly truly is, and I worked toward it. Through sustained love, our relationship has similarly matured with time. Somehow - we have endured strife that would’ve ended weaker marriages. And, though who we are to each other has shifted over our history, we've maintained some very basic constants: we are in love, and we let the other have other partners.
I was gonna end that last paragraph with: “and neither of us can keep it in their pants,” because it's funny. But it also effectively serves to minimize my point. Which isn't sex. It is about forming complex relationships with others while maintaining trust and love with your primary. It took me a few tries to get it right, but, while recently rekindling an old flame, I did eventually. Things are looking up.
Throughout most of our marriage, up until a couple weeks ago, I had always harbored a feeling of disparity. I felt bad, a lot of the time, because I watched my (still, btw) gorgeous, young wife have no trouble getting whoever she wanted, while I, a fairly typical older white guy with nothing particularly interesting going on, other than being tall and awkward... kinda just sat there and watched. Since forever. Sitting on my insecurities. Growing bitter - so slowly I didn’t notice. The seeds of resentment built. And, I maintained this resentment by always reminding myself my situation was unfair.
This was kept - and nurtured. Just guess how this may have affected my interactions with all those around me, especially those closest to me. Those I wanted to be closest to. If you guessed toxic, you are correct. And I felt justified af. That sure helped me hang onto that tightness in my chest like a cradled child. Guess how this may have affected my relationships - not just that with my mate. I carried this tightness with me throughout the day. At my job. Getting a job. Chilling with friends. Even with my children.
Slowly, slowly the connections of intimacy and tenderness and general closeness began failing. No work was being done to keep these connections alive. I was experiencing my marriage failing in slow motion, and now I am able to watch the film in real time. I can see the arc of things now.
My wife met her boyfriend at a party in 2014, but their relationship began a couple months ago. I took the news poorly - in no small part due to the damaging circumstances of its revelation (I'll not explain further). This was followed by a quick succession of dramatic news and ultimatums that left me reeling.
I had forgotten I was poly, I felt my situation was unfair. My wife’s happiness did not outweigh my own. I was Jealous, and I couldn’t handle it.
Then something weird happened - an awakening inside of me. My brother had called me out after a bitter interaction - and I was able to finally able identify my bad attitude for what it was. I really was at war with the world. Then I asked my wife what I was doing wrong, and she told me: More happy memories. There have not been enough recently. And though my intent was always pure, she was right, no question. I began an intense period of self reflection lasting some days, asking myself questions and searching deeply for honest expression.
My conclusions were simple:
- I am free
- My wife is free
- We love each other
- Communication is essential
- Negativity is death - look fear in the eye
- Love and positivity are the keys that unlock all doors
Nearly daily I take stock of what I am actually feeling, and why, to maintain my attitude, and keep its coat healthy and shining...
I’m paraphrasing here. What I say seems trite... but - I guess I got it now. Most of my jealousy and negativity about the state of my own relationship with my mate has basically burned away.
When I am alone now, the tightness and emotions sometimes return, but briefly, and I am in control. What I feel now, mostly, is called, apparently, compersion.
From en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory:
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy, and the term is regularly used by members of the polyamory community in the context of polyamorous relationships. It is used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship.
It’s not perfect, yet. Negativity creeps in over long absences. But I am always in control. And I now celebrate my wife’s growth and happiness wherever that happens, and whomever with. Having a lover now makes this all so much easier, but with or without her, my mate is my Primary - my Baseline. Knowing she is happy makes me happy.
The aspects in my relationship with my wife that remain contentious are really no different than those any monogamous couple will face. The fact that we are poly does add layers to some of these problems, but they will still be solved.
In our discussions, topics have come up that neither of us felt the other wanted to hear - but needed to be said anyway. We have had talks about:
- Limits
- Boundaries
- Expectations
- Communication
- What’s Negotiable and Non-Negotiable
- Abuse/Manipulation
- Support vs. Independence
- Divorce/Separation
- Mistakes
- Forgiveness
- Guilt
- Trust
- Recovery
- Interaction of Fursonas
- etc.
...
Many of my insecurities remain - but the fear that stoked them is being blasted away quickly.
Some things of which I am absolutely certain: Being poly
- let me marry my wife, and has allowed me to develop a secondary functional, loving relationship.
- has kept us together.
- continues to strengthen our bonds <3
This is a v big deal
...
I’m open!
I am happy to answer any questions you may have in the comments below :3
Thanks so much for reading
I feel a lot of the same concerns, bitterness, worry, over some of my mate's other interests, and I take strides to comfort myself with them, but I similarly worry that I'm being too controlling or demanding. I don't know how your timeline works out with your feelings, but I'm at that stage of marriage, that you were at 8 years ago, so she can live with me, instead of having to spend 6 months apart every year. I feel like having my mate, wife, living with me on a day to day basis, will relieve many of my fears, insecurities, and concerns that come with thinking of her other interests. We talk, a lot, we bring up our feelings, our comfort, regarding everything, really. But reading stories from other people, it's hard to tell what problems arose due to differing circumstances.. how to compare where they were with where we are, and it's relatively impossible to do.
Congrats on your revelations and your improvements, I really hope everything works out for you! I'm new to poly, I never considered myself poly, nor did I think it could ever work until I met my mate. She's felt poly for as long as she can remember, she told me outright when I expressed interest in her that monogamy wouldn't work, and I agreed to it relatively blindly. But, even in just these few years, we've grown so much, she's helped me over so many boundaries that I've put up, and altered my view on so many things, that poly seems more than natural to me. I still don't know if I'll personally connect deeply with anybody else, but I won't push away the feelings if they arise, I won't hide them from her, and I'll continue to encourage her perseverance in finding other partners.
The future feels so predictable sometimes, but is similarly so unknown. I'm scared and excited all at once, and I appreciate you sharing your knowledge!
Your mate sounds like an amazing person, you're lucky. The breaking down of barriers, growing beyond boundaries, that's a huge benefit of poly, and having a mate with a deep enough well of patience to handle a mate on this difficult journey is exceptional. I feel that.
I feel myself starting to thaw, and feel good about rewarding my mate's patience, love and tolerance with me, instead of being crippled by worry. I am also very excited about the future, now, more than ever!
This is such an unbelievably hard thing to overcome. Or at least, it feels that way to me right now. I've started making it a point, more and more, to praise and verbally express my gratefulness to my mate of all her hard work in her sacrifices and support of me. Sometimes all it takes is a gentle reminder that you can see they're working hard and striving to be a companion for you, even though it's a given in a relationship. It's good to express your fears and concern and worry, but if they only ever hear concern and worry, how would they know what they're doing right?
If you ever want to talk, you or your wife, feel free to contact me! I wouldn't exactly call myself "active" in any kind of poly community, but I seem to be meeting and running into more and more poly people, and I'm always interested in hearing their stories. I'm the kind of person that is afraid of the unknown, the future scares me often, so I try to ingest as much information and knowledge from people further down any given path of mine so that I can build confidence in being able to tackle problems when they arise, instead of letting them slip by and get out of hand. Poly is so huge and diverse and non-specific. We're all looking for different ways to experience it.
You and Catwolf seem to be amazing mates too. Being able to overcome some truly scary stuff is hard, and it shows a lot about your relationship. I really feel like I found a diamond, with my mate, and it's motivated me more and more to sort out my fear, my insecurity, and put them in piles of 'irrational' and 'rational.' Not all insecurity is bad, it's just important to tell the difference between being completely unreasonable, and when a few conversations and compromises can settle them.
So very happy for you, Enden! That was a good read. I'm glad you had a Moment where you were shocked into stepping back and looking at yourself, and then were able to identify stuff and grow from it. Learn, adapt, and find your happiness again.
This is amazing, and again, so very happy for you and for Catwolf =D
Being poly myself, and only just (realtively) recently getting a better grip on what exactly that means, and how to handle it ethically, I can wholeheartedly understand where you've come from, and where you are now, and exactly what sort of effort and energy would have gone into it.
Respect~
Just- holy shit, yes. Great read, good to hear!~ =D
Yay! Welcome! I always love it when I see other poly folks. :) Me, my wife, her girlfriend, and her girlfriend's husband have all been in a poly relationship for several years. Unfortunately due to our various public standings, we can't yet be open about it, so it's always wonderful to meet those who are, whether they are fully out and open or not. It can be a struggle at times, but no moreso than any monogamous relationship, I think. Always remember, everything you have felt has been felt by millions of poly partners over the ages. But understanding it is the key, and it appears you've made a very important step. :)
Congrats to you, Catwolf, and Vardiel! I wish you all the happiest of times ahead. :)
Thank you.
I could relate heavily to what you felt seeing your wife getting whoever she wanted while you sat there and watched and the feeling of disparity and building resentment. Even though things have changed in many ways, I still fight those feelings for a variety of reasons. It brings me no small measure of peace to know that I wasn’t the only one in such a situation feeling that way, let alone seeing that it can indeed be dealt with and not just lived with. I truly hope you, your wife, and maybe even others involved with you both will continue to post about it to help others by sharing your lessons.
Best to you and yours.
I'm honestly very proud of you both that you stayed together and worked out (and currently working on) many of the stress factors that being poly can put on even the strongest of relationships. Sounds to me like if you keep on doing what you're doing, maybe adjust to any changes that come along, you'll stay happy forever.
My most recent ex and I were poly, and what pretty much split us up wasn't the fact of being poly. But, more me. I messed things up pretty bad by just being myself, and I was in a similar situation as yourself. I became bitter, and forgot that I was poly on a continuous basis. Maybe I haven't done enough research. I dunno. [Figured I'd share my poly story.]
thanksl it... really helps a lot, for those who've just recently come onto terms with the true nature of themselves <3