Dear everyone

It's been hard to write about this, and I've gone through many drafts and I've finally had the courage to say this...

I have A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH ME. I am mentally NOT ok. and I haven't been ok for a long, long time.

Some of you may have noticed it, some of you didn't want to take notice, or some didn't see it at all, to which, is all fine. Past events in my life have triggered me into not speaking much, or not wanting to talk much at all. I was a cry baby for some time, then more and more events happened in my life to the point where I snapped and shut myself down. I caused my brain to think the worst, and to act the worst, which resulted in weight gain, nail biting, and shaking. I couldn't mentally and physically control myself, so the only way I was "okay" was locking myself in my room, I felt safe like that. It wasn't until my sophomore year in high school when I really took a turn for the worst, again...

I began to think I was better off dead, that I wasn't able to tell anyone my feelings, because I was usually a burden to a lot of people before hand, what makes it any different now? To put it shortly, I really wanted to kill myself, and I hate saying that. I knew this wasn't me, I knew I wasn't like this, and so I finally told my mom and at first, she didn't understand, and didn't do much/didn't know what to do ( I don't blame her for this, I just suddenly said something so serious). And then I finally snapped yet again and bluntly told her..."if you don't call to get a therapist I'm going to die tonight"

I was so emotionally drained, scarred, scared, and didn't know what to do anymore, and once she heard that she called and we went the next day... I talked and cried my eyes out that whole hour, because I was finally able to say the things I wanted to say that I never thought I could ever say. I'll never forget those two days.

Today, I've been currently diagnosed with: Depression, ADD, regular anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, and I'm going to be tested for PTSD late March. I take 3 different medications, still go too my therapist every 2 weeks, and a regulator for my meds.

I AM NOT NORMAL. But please, treat me normal, this is so hard to talk about, because I don't want a sympathy card.I just really needed to get this off my chest to not only my friends but my family. I am working on my social skills, I am losing weight because I'm not turning to soda and food for comfort, I'm turning my life around a pebble at a time.

---

This is what I'm going to say to my family, and what I'm saying to you. I haven't been ok for a very long time, nor will I be. I am getting better very slowly. I'm getting myself a therapy dog.

Thanks for reading, and to my ex and ex friend who might be reading this,
F U C K Y O U.
I've wanted to say that for sometime, this might sound out of the blue, but it isn't. I'd love to say the shit you pulled on me on here but I'll leave it at this, since I don't want to ruin your reputation.