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8 years ago
🐾💜🐾 My FuzzButts.!~🐾💜🐾 ✖╭━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━╮ ✖💜💜 
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✖╰━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━╯ ✖ Hey guys. Been awhile huh? Well, a few things have happened as of late so I'll take this time to catch you all up as well as express something that's been a burden on me for quite a long time now. IF YOU DON'T LIKE LONG JOURNALS, TL;DR IS: I HAVE GIVEN UP DRAWING AND WILL NO LONGER BE DOING SO.
-LIFE UPDATES-
- Update 1: I got a new puppy! His name is Dexter and he is adorable. He's a cockapoo. He's about 4 months old now. I got him back in January or so. I absolutely adore him, but at the same time, he drives me nuts. He's very healthy too, which is awesome being his brothers and sisters either passed away due to difficulties or they have serious health problems.
- Update 2: My ex moved out. He went peacefully and we're still very good friends. It's been really hard on me though. He lived with me for about a year and a half, but we were together for around 5 years. Most of the relationship was long distance due to him being in the Navy and I in High School at the time. I'm doing better now, but I'm quite lonely now even with my puppy. Since he's left, I've been very anti-social and very abnormally quiet around my friends whenever I did hang out with them. I'm still hurting over letting 5 years go, but the relationship was honestly far from healthy. He was honestly my first TRUE love. Not saying I haven't loved other people before, but he was my very first. I'm still recovering from seeing him go. Man.. never realized how empty a queen sized bed would feel without him here.
That's about it for life updates, so now let's get to the real conversation here.
-ART DISCUSSION-
I have lost all confidence and motivation to do anything creative anymore, so I have decided to give up drawing.
I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have tried very hard to pick myself up and stay motivated throughout it all, but I can't anymore. There are multiple things that have brought me to this point and here they are.
- Reason 1: I haven't received support from anyone for a long time. There are a few people who've been wonderful and have tried to keep me going and I truly appreciate them, but eventually, we all reach a point where tragically they aren't enough anymore. I've tried putting my art out there by going through groups and all kinds of things. I get wonderful responses at times and at other times, silence. Absolute. Silence. For anyone who's aspiring to be something or do anything, that silence will make you feel like an absolute failure and that you aren't worth people's time. For those who are going to say, "You should do art for you, not for the views and followers! That's why you're so unhappy!" Well, you know what, I bet you went through something like I am and if you haven't, you're very lucky and I envy you for that, but if you have, you know that it fucking hurts. IT. HURTS. Everyone wants to feel like their passion is worth the awe of peers and when you get nothing or no one supporting you, well, all you think about is giving up. All you feel is pain and misery. Longing to be noticed and just supported. When someone tells you they love your art and show others and those people compliment you too, you feel amazing and who doesn't want that?
- Reason 2: People don't want to pay what art is actually worth. Listen, I get it, we all can't afford a $200 dollar drawing, but let's have a real conversation here for a minute. Art is a craft. Art has effort put towards it. Art is time and effort. It is passion and love. So when someone tells you that you charge to much for a drawing, FUCK THEM! BUT! Eventually.. that starts to hurt business. Art is a business and we, the artist, are the entrepreneurs. Our art and the quality of it is worth just as much as anything anyone else works for. I live in a state where the minimum wage is $9.25 an hour. If I put over 5+ hours into a piece, I will want what my time and effort is worth. Now, I get it. Every state has different hourly wages which causes some artist to not know what to charge for a piece so they end up undercutting themselves. In the eyes of the consumer, art is a pleasure to own and have to show off, but that consumer won't want to pay the $46 dollars their drawing is worth if I put 5 hours into drawing it. Every artist is different, but most will tell you to charge what YOU believe your art is worth and I believe mine is worth the minimum wage of the state I live in. I have had numerous times where someone will want a piece from me, I tell them what the price will be, and they'd say okay only to reject what the price is once I have the piece almost finished. That is absolutely disheartening and eventually, you start undercutting yourself just to make ends meet which in return, hurts your heart and soul because then you start to truly question weather your art is worth anything.
- Reason 3: My style is garbage in my eyes now no matter how I change it. I've tried so many styles and different ways, but I am not happy with any of it. I've put hours into art pieces I've never uploaded because I'd have given up and just say, "I'm not cut out for this. I'm trash and I know it." then end up deleting the entire piece. I am a quitter. I am a quitter who fought for what she loved to only be shat on by not only herself, but many many other people. A lot of people will say, "Don't give a fuck what those people think." and they are right, I shouldn't care, BUT I DO. I just do. I hate to bring my life issues into this, but this is a big one. My life is good, but I have always cared too much about what others think of me. Especially the people who really don't matter, but do in my eyes and those are the people who shit all over me. From 8 years old to 18 I was told I was fat, ugly, unwanted, that everything I do is garbage, that no one wanted me, that I was suppose to be an abortion, etc etc. Lots of really fucked up shit and the worst part of it all, it came from people who I loved and still love dearly. My family. Because of them, I now struggle with the insecurities I have and one of those insecurities is looking for acceptance from everyone. If I'm not accepted, I see myself as worthless and what I am doing is not worth anyone's time so I give up while I'm "still ahead."
- Reason 4: I am so absolutely lonely. Many would think that this wouldn't effect someone's art, but it does. I AM LONELY. I have about 2 friends that actually give a fuck about me and everything that I do and they are wonderful. I adore them completely. Everyone else though.. They may talk to me, but they don't actually talk talk to me. Nor do they care to. I love everyone who's been apart of my life, but when you have friends you don't genuinely talk to you, it starts to feel like a very lonely street with bare minimum traffic. This also doesn't help that I lost my lover and now am single again. Not a bad thing, but certainly not pleasant in my eyes. When I draw, all I can think about is the crushing loneliness in the silence I now have. Sometimes, it's beneficial and I can get things done quickly, but other times, it's crushing. It is absolutely... crushing.
So now you know basically everything. I want to keep drawing, but I no longer wish to at the same time. Social media is a cruel cruel place and I guess at this point, it's certainly not a place for someone like me. This isn't a goodbye letter. This is just me accepting I'm a failure at art and will no longer be making anymore. I will still be around to talk and support my friends even if they do not support me. I don't blame anyone but myself for this. I am my harshest critic and well, this time the critic won. I love you all and thank you for the years of support that you gave. I'm just sorry it was a waste of your time.
If you have any questions, please feel free to comment or note me.
Thank you.
-LIFE UPDATES-
- Update 1: I got a new puppy! His name is Dexter and he is adorable. He's a cockapoo. He's about 4 months old now. I got him back in January or so. I absolutely adore him, but at the same time, he drives me nuts. He's very healthy too, which is awesome being his brothers and sisters either passed away due to difficulties or they have serious health problems.
- Update 2: My ex moved out. He went peacefully and we're still very good friends. It's been really hard on me though. He lived with me for about a year and a half, but we were together for around 5 years. Most of the relationship was long distance due to him being in the Navy and I in High School at the time. I'm doing better now, but I'm quite lonely now even with my puppy. Since he's left, I've been very anti-social and very abnormally quiet around my friends whenever I did hang out with them. I'm still hurting over letting 5 years go, but the relationship was honestly far from healthy. He was honestly my first TRUE love. Not saying I haven't loved other people before, but he was my very first. I'm still recovering from seeing him go. Man.. never realized how empty a queen sized bed would feel without him here.
That's about it for life updates, so now let's get to the real conversation here.
-ART DISCUSSION-
I have lost all confidence and motivation to do anything creative anymore, so I have decided to give up drawing.
I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have tried very hard to pick myself up and stay motivated throughout it all, but I can't anymore. There are multiple things that have brought me to this point and here they are.
- Reason 1: I haven't received support from anyone for a long time. There are a few people who've been wonderful and have tried to keep me going and I truly appreciate them, but eventually, we all reach a point where tragically they aren't enough anymore. I've tried putting my art out there by going through groups and all kinds of things. I get wonderful responses at times and at other times, silence. Absolute. Silence. For anyone who's aspiring to be something or do anything, that silence will make you feel like an absolute failure and that you aren't worth people's time. For those who are going to say, "You should do art for you, not for the views and followers! That's why you're so unhappy!" Well, you know what, I bet you went through something like I am and if you haven't, you're very lucky and I envy you for that, but if you have, you know that it fucking hurts. IT. HURTS. Everyone wants to feel like their passion is worth the awe of peers and when you get nothing or no one supporting you, well, all you think about is giving up. All you feel is pain and misery. Longing to be noticed and just supported. When someone tells you they love your art and show others and those people compliment you too, you feel amazing and who doesn't want that?
- Reason 2: People don't want to pay what art is actually worth. Listen, I get it, we all can't afford a $200 dollar drawing, but let's have a real conversation here for a minute. Art is a craft. Art has effort put towards it. Art is time and effort. It is passion and love. So when someone tells you that you charge to much for a drawing, FUCK THEM! BUT! Eventually.. that starts to hurt business. Art is a business and we, the artist, are the entrepreneurs. Our art and the quality of it is worth just as much as anything anyone else works for. I live in a state where the minimum wage is $9.25 an hour. If I put over 5+ hours into a piece, I will want what my time and effort is worth. Now, I get it. Every state has different hourly wages which causes some artist to not know what to charge for a piece so they end up undercutting themselves. In the eyes of the consumer, art is a pleasure to own and have to show off, but that consumer won't want to pay the $46 dollars their drawing is worth if I put 5 hours into drawing it. Every artist is different, but most will tell you to charge what YOU believe your art is worth and I believe mine is worth the minimum wage of the state I live in. I have had numerous times where someone will want a piece from me, I tell them what the price will be, and they'd say okay only to reject what the price is once I have the piece almost finished. That is absolutely disheartening and eventually, you start undercutting yourself just to make ends meet which in return, hurts your heart and soul because then you start to truly question weather your art is worth anything.
- Reason 3: My style is garbage in my eyes now no matter how I change it. I've tried so many styles and different ways, but I am not happy with any of it. I've put hours into art pieces I've never uploaded because I'd have given up and just say, "I'm not cut out for this. I'm trash and I know it." then end up deleting the entire piece. I am a quitter. I am a quitter who fought for what she loved to only be shat on by not only herself, but many many other people. A lot of people will say, "Don't give a fuck what those people think." and they are right, I shouldn't care, BUT I DO. I just do. I hate to bring my life issues into this, but this is a big one. My life is good, but I have always cared too much about what others think of me. Especially the people who really don't matter, but do in my eyes and those are the people who shit all over me. From 8 years old to 18 I was told I was fat, ugly, unwanted, that everything I do is garbage, that no one wanted me, that I was suppose to be an abortion, etc etc. Lots of really fucked up shit and the worst part of it all, it came from people who I loved and still love dearly. My family. Because of them, I now struggle with the insecurities I have and one of those insecurities is looking for acceptance from everyone. If I'm not accepted, I see myself as worthless and what I am doing is not worth anyone's time so I give up while I'm "still ahead."
- Reason 4: I am so absolutely lonely. Many would think that this wouldn't effect someone's art, but it does. I AM LONELY. I have about 2 friends that actually give a fuck about me and everything that I do and they are wonderful. I adore them completely. Everyone else though.. They may talk to me, but they don't actually talk talk to me. Nor do they care to. I love everyone who's been apart of my life, but when you have friends you don't genuinely talk to you, it starts to feel like a very lonely street with bare minimum traffic. This also doesn't help that I lost my lover and now am single again. Not a bad thing, but certainly not pleasant in my eyes. When I draw, all I can think about is the crushing loneliness in the silence I now have. Sometimes, it's beneficial and I can get things done quickly, but other times, it's crushing. It is absolutely... crushing.
So now you know basically everything. I want to keep drawing, but I no longer wish to at the same time. Social media is a cruel cruel place and I guess at this point, it's certainly not a place for someone like me. This isn't a goodbye letter. This is just me accepting I'm a failure at art and will no longer be making anymore. I will still be around to talk and support my friends even if they do not support me. I don't blame anyone but myself for this. I am my harshest critic and well, this time the critic won. I love you all and thank you for the years of support that you gave. I'm just sorry it was a waste of your time.
If you have any questions, please feel free to comment or note me.
Thank you.
A lot of people do argue over prices and on here and da, making commissions a living pain in the ass. many other people just flock to their own "god tier" artists like Slugbox or Tsaoshin and try handing every cent or comment to them and making them seem "absolute senpai" or something rather than taking time to find people who will actually start a conversation or be a lot nicer. (Not saying everyone does that, but the majority of good artists really don't care about anyone with certain qualities and only the most well known). It's pretty saddening.
I've been on da and fa for a year now, and I know my art is really bad. I've wanted to improve at what I do, but much like you, I get extremely discouraged and hurt by what others say. Sometimes I get complete silence, others send me nasty "critiques". Many of my followers and friends are both artists who barely have a face on these sites, and it's because like me, they don't get recognized for anything because apparently everyone wants to flock to their own "favorites" and not branch out to other people.
And about the part of caring too much for others, I'm on that same boat. My family is heavy religious. Like bad. They told me friends I have online are nothing but jokes and robbers and that they aren't Christian, so they're corrupted af. They shoved it into every aspect, and it got really hard to play as their little family shadow. It made me hate my family for calling me a giant failure for supporting a lot of things, such as trans people.
I couldn't imagine having to be called a "failed abortion" or other thing such as that. Or to have lost a lover, since I've never even had anyone remotely say they had feelings for me. I truly am sorry you had to go through this, and I wish I could've done something before you dropped art. I just hope things can go better here on out for you and that theres a light at the end of the tunnel.
If you want to talk anywhere else, you have me on like everything xD
I'm sorry you've been going through everything I have and I hope you don't give up like I have. I believe in you. I know someday I'll pick my pen up again, but I don't think I'll be publishing it anymore if I did do so.
Feel free to message me anytime, anywhere.
Well, it's whatever you wish to do, draw or no drawing, I'll be here for ya