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Reflecting on 10 Years
8 years ago
[might get ranty or weird.. more or less just spilling incoherent thoughts about how long i've been around here]
It's been a long time.. and after all this time, i'm not sure if it's entirely for the better.
i've realized that the only reason most people had ever talked to me was because i had been friends with some popular people on the site, and when those friendships dissolved, i was promptly kicked to the ground, buried and ignored. i've also come to realize that there were false rumors spread about me, and instead of people checking with me, they just believed the bs that came at them and stopped speaking with me. this has made me less and less inclined to create and interact on this site. so is it even worth it to stay on this site, or even continue doing art at all?
i don't know. i'm highly externally motivated, so being ignored after having spent a good deal of time with people interacting with me actively, even if they were just pretending, is really hard.
about 3 years ago i started spiraling out of my mind. i was over worked, underpaid, and in an abusive situation. i was done, i snapped. i wanted to die. and only 1 person tried to help me. bless you the other few people who tried on messengers or fa who tried to talk to me when all i wanted to do was hide under a rock, and i feel bad if i ignored you or was mean to you.. but only 1 person pushed hard enough and forced me open enough to try to get back up again.
i understand that it's hard to be around someone who is hurting and depressed and wants to die. they are no fun to talk to, and exhausting to support. i don't really blame people for walking away because of things i said or did directly. and i don't blame them for being tentative in speaking with me again. but, the last year or so, while i've been trying to get better, i've been in desperate need of encouragement, fun, friends, streaming partners, and work. the lack of all of those just makes me irritated and strained, because i'm having a hard time resetting.
i used to do decent business. i was quick-ish, people seemed to think i was fairly priced, people would come to streams and talk with me. and to think that just because i spiraled into a dark hole and lost motivation for everything for a time, that i have to start completely over from 0 makes me furious to a degree. to know that i've been here this long, put in so much effort as to have had a minor following, but now i must start back on the bottom rung of a ladder when i'd worked myself up to a good point.
i mean i get it, relevance on an art site is the only way to keep going, and that it's business everywhere. and i get that it's rage over something that has to be done. i just feel a great deal of injustice about it, like "why can't i just start over where i left off?" well.. because people hate me now, that's why.
i know i can't change the minds of people who believed false rumors, and i know i probably can't get back friends who walked away while i was rough, but then sometimes i also don't know if i want to, if people were so fair-weather as to walk away when someone was going through a hard time..
i know i've been a pain, and i have grown more apathetic in some ways in my attempt to stay as sane as possible. but there are a lot of people not around anymore that i miss a lot because i considered them more than friends.. strider, fossil, val, house, astrid, daigo, behemotho, and a bunch others, though i know i also have a problem with trying to speak up first, mostly because i feel like people wouldn't want me to speak to them ever again.
but those of you that have stuck it out, and those of you who are relatively new to me and decided to stick around, you guys are pretty awesome.
But, i guess if i want to get back to where i was i'm going to have to start over again, shipping out free stuff and dropping all of my prices to 10$ or less and go back to working for 2$ an hour or less. not an entertaining prospect, but i suppose one i'll have to do, since i can't actually work at a 'real' job because of anxiety and other problems. but i'll need some way to have money, since no one wants me to just housewife for them ^^;;
sorry this wasn't a hyper inspirational journal. and i didn't mean for this whole thing to be negative sounding.. but 10 years is a lot to think about. and i guess just the last few years the bad has outweighed the good. for the future i do want to get better at personal interactions and be able to do art full time like i used to do, just hopefully with less stress. more interactive streams would be fun too. kinda want to get back to the ych thing and learn how to do adopts and stuff, they're fun. i guess if it doesn't work out i probably won't be here for another 10 years, but i guess we'll see.
It's been a long time.. and after all this time, i'm not sure if it's entirely for the better.
i've realized that the only reason most people had ever talked to me was because i had been friends with some popular people on the site, and when those friendships dissolved, i was promptly kicked to the ground, buried and ignored. i've also come to realize that there were false rumors spread about me, and instead of people checking with me, they just believed the bs that came at them and stopped speaking with me. this has made me less and less inclined to create and interact on this site. so is it even worth it to stay on this site, or even continue doing art at all?
i don't know. i'm highly externally motivated, so being ignored after having spent a good deal of time with people interacting with me actively, even if they were just pretending, is really hard.
about 3 years ago i started spiraling out of my mind. i was over worked, underpaid, and in an abusive situation. i was done, i snapped. i wanted to die. and only 1 person tried to help me. bless you the other few people who tried on messengers or fa who tried to talk to me when all i wanted to do was hide under a rock, and i feel bad if i ignored you or was mean to you.. but only 1 person pushed hard enough and forced me open enough to try to get back up again.
i understand that it's hard to be around someone who is hurting and depressed and wants to die. they are no fun to talk to, and exhausting to support. i don't really blame people for walking away because of things i said or did directly. and i don't blame them for being tentative in speaking with me again. but, the last year or so, while i've been trying to get better, i've been in desperate need of encouragement, fun, friends, streaming partners, and work. the lack of all of those just makes me irritated and strained, because i'm having a hard time resetting.
i used to do decent business. i was quick-ish, people seemed to think i was fairly priced, people would come to streams and talk with me. and to think that just because i spiraled into a dark hole and lost motivation for everything for a time, that i have to start completely over from 0 makes me furious to a degree. to know that i've been here this long, put in so much effort as to have had a minor following, but now i must start back on the bottom rung of a ladder when i'd worked myself up to a good point.
i mean i get it, relevance on an art site is the only way to keep going, and that it's business everywhere. and i get that it's rage over something that has to be done. i just feel a great deal of injustice about it, like "why can't i just start over where i left off?" well.. because people hate me now, that's why.
i know i can't change the minds of people who believed false rumors, and i know i probably can't get back friends who walked away while i was rough, but then sometimes i also don't know if i want to, if people were so fair-weather as to walk away when someone was going through a hard time..
i know i've been a pain, and i have grown more apathetic in some ways in my attempt to stay as sane as possible. but there are a lot of people not around anymore that i miss a lot because i considered them more than friends.. strider, fossil, val, house, astrid, daigo, behemotho, and a bunch others, though i know i also have a problem with trying to speak up first, mostly because i feel like people wouldn't want me to speak to them ever again.
but those of you that have stuck it out, and those of you who are relatively new to me and decided to stick around, you guys are pretty awesome.
But, i guess if i want to get back to where i was i'm going to have to start over again, shipping out free stuff and dropping all of my prices to 10$ or less and go back to working for 2$ an hour or less. not an entertaining prospect, but i suppose one i'll have to do, since i can't actually work at a 'real' job because of anxiety and other problems. but i'll need some way to have money, since no one wants me to just housewife for them ^^;;
sorry this wasn't a hyper inspirational journal. and i didn't mean for this whole thing to be negative sounding.. but 10 years is a lot to think about. and i guess just the last few years the bad has outweighed the good. for the future i do want to get better at personal interactions and be able to do art full time like i used to do, just hopefully with less stress. more interactive streams would be fun too. kinda want to get back to the ych thing and learn how to do adopts and stuff, they're fun. i guess if it doesn't work out i probably won't be here for another 10 years, but i guess we'll see.
Some awesome people
As for finding you through some popular artist.....you couldn't be Any further from the Truth! I foud you by simply free roaming looking for something to inspire me. That is how I found you, and have been quite grateful every since!
As for Fossil....I've heard he had some trouble and has dropped off the internet sites altogether. At least that's the way I hear it. Of all those you mentioned, He is one I watch and found through You.
As for friends and followers.....Followers are Only there as long as you're Doing something for Them. Once you Stop offering Free Art or Incredibly Cheap art, They start fadding. Once someone else comes along offering the same thing, they leave. That's the Hard Truth about Followers.
Some are Very Friendly to get what they want....That's the Game.
Friends However.....True Friends, will stand by you No Matter What you say or How you treat them, for They Know You and understand when you're having trouble or are not being Yourself and they Never Ask of you, unless they're truly in need. I personally Do Not call or refer to people as Friends, unless I Truly Mean it.
You are a Friend to me, and Always will be!
As I said before, You Are a Great Person! You Do Not need to start at the bottom, NO! You need to pick Right back up where you left off, and be Patient. Let people find and rediscover you my friend.