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lot on my mind(questioning my personality and other things)
8 years ago
so as a heads up this is going to have some serious stuff it that's very heavy and might not be liked by most. read at your own description(or risk)
over the last few months, close to last 2 years i think? i've been going through a lot of emotional "drama" no matter where i go. online(xbox and other video game places) online dating sites(Ferzu in this case), telegram/kik, family issues, and now, legal issues. these past few months or years have been the worst for me. i feel like i'm being singled out no matter what i do or say. people just don't appreciate open mindedness(yes i am very open minded) these days and expect you to go with the flow. you get into a heated chat thread or say your own opinion and suddenly it's WWIII and your the enemy! everyone just stabs and stabs and stabs you until your name is slandered and everyone you like around you just ignores you and slanders you further.
i have been trying my hardest to just be myself. the kind, caring, loving, bit fat dragon known as Moeru-Ai(burning love in Japanese) but like me irl in the furry community he's been getting nothing but hatred and slander. i know what some are thinking, "they don't deserve your attention" and your right. i know that those who slander or try to mock me aren't worth my time. but you know what? the dragon of burning love loves everyone equeally and gives everyone a chance to like me in return. but no. instead i get slandered, deemed monster and other hurtful names(not going into detail but message me if you want to know)
so back to what's been going on. you might have read awhile ago that i was in a car accident(i slid on black ice and rear ended someone)? i'm still paying that off little by little. the accident wasn't my fault, even the officer who arrived at the scene said their was nothing i could do, yet i have to pay over $2,000USD for it!! so that's that
next *sigh* i'm going to get chewed out for this........ i might be going to jail next month in June(those who know about this KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT PLEASE???) after my court hearing. i'm not going into details, but it was bad. bad enough for serious jail time. nothing like murder or robbery but as bad if not worse(based on your personal morales). needless to say my emotions have been far from "stable" these past few years or months. to be completely honest with you all these recent events have been making me think of taking my own life. just ending it all. either stabbing myself, slicing my throat open, jumping off of the balcony, or just getting hit by a car. or you know, Clorox bleach.......
those who know me personally, you know i'm not a bad or terrible person. i make mistakes, big ones, yes. but nothing for serious jail time. mental institutes? yes, personally i think that would be best for me rn because of my mental state. i've never asked for any of these things to happen to me. i tried to controll them to the best i could but it wasn't enough. because of my kind hearted and caring nature i just cannot handle this stress rn, and in the furry fandom/community neither can my sona self Moeru. soon i feel like he'll die, and with him so will i. i spent years making him into a part of me and he's become that part of me that i care about the most. he's not just a fictional piece of fiction for my sexual desires. he's more than that. he represents who i am as human being deep down inside.
through out this whole ordeal i feel like most of my friends have abandoned me. both on telegram kik and irl. while in the NH telegram furs group word spread about what i've done, my "friends" who knew me pretty well(or so i thought) turned me in to the admins. soon i was kicked. funny thing is though? the main admin of the NH group, he was hitting on me before he banned. yup. talk about a big "FUCK YOU", talking about mates and stuff. next thing i know "your getting banned". this hurt, a lot. most furs in the group know i'm not some sick or twisted or bad terrible person. i just make stupid mistakes that's all. the absolute worst feeling? ISOLATION. i thought i found a home, thought i found a place where i could be my self. but i was wrong. terribly wrong. kicked, then friends started ignoring me and blocking me. i know what i did was bad, and if your in the telegram group and your reading this. i hope you fucking burn in hell. backstabbing your friends like you did to me makes you lower than dirt and for the few times in my life i actually "HATE" others!! truly hate them. because of them and their sense of justice or duty i was kicked from my home. being kicked from the group makes me feel like i can't live in my own hometown or state. and you know what? that's worse than going to jail, worse than others disowning or slandering your good name and your friends leaving you. feeling like you don't belong in your own home that you've lived in your whole life. for these reasons, i hate you guys in the NH fur group. no one, criminal, misguided soul, should feel isolated like this in their own home.
phew. that was pretty deep stuff huh? well thanks for reading this(even if you didn't read it thanks for skimming through my page ^~^). i greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this. i know i'm not on FA as much, i know i haven't spoken to most of you in ages and i'm very sorry. i just needed to let you all know what's been going on in my life because your my friend(s) and i like to let you know how i'm doing from time to time. anyway have a good night, if you want to just shoot me a message and i'll respond as soon as i can ^~^
over the last few months, close to last 2 years i think? i've been going through a lot of emotional "drama" no matter where i go. online(xbox and other video game places) online dating sites(Ferzu in this case), telegram/kik, family issues, and now, legal issues. these past few months or years have been the worst for me. i feel like i'm being singled out no matter what i do or say. people just don't appreciate open mindedness(yes i am very open minded) these days and expect you to go with the flow. you get into a heated chat thread or say your own opinion and suddenly it's WWIII and your the enemy! everyone just stabs and stabs and stabs you until your name is slandered and everyone you like around you just ignores you and slanders you further.
i have been trying my hardest to just be myself. the kind, caring, loving, bit fat dragon known as Moeru-Ai(burning love in Japanese) but like me irl in the furry community he's been getting nothing but hatred and slander. i know what some are thinking, "they don't deserve your attention" and your right. i know that those who slander or try to mock me aren't worth my time. but you know what? the dragon of burning love loves everyone equeally and gives everyone a chance to like me in return. but no. instead i get slandered, deemed monster and other hurtful names(not going into detail but message me if you want to know)
so back to what's been going on. you might have read awhile ago that i was in a car accident(i slid on black ice and rear ended someone)? i'm still paying that off little by little. the accident wasn't my fault, even the officer who arrived at the scene said their was nothing i could do, yet i have to pay over $2,000USD for it!! so that's that
next *sigh* i'm going to get chewed out for this........ i might be going to jail next month in June(those who know about this KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT PLEASE???) after my court hearing. i'm not going into details, but it was bad. bad enough for serious jail time. nothing like murder or robbery but as bad if not worse(based on your personal morales). needless to say my emotions have been far from "stable" these past few years or months. to be completely honest with you all these recent events have been making me think of taking my own life. just ending it all. either stabbing myself, slicing my throat open, jumping off of the balcony, or just getting hit by a car. or you know, Clorox bleach.......
those who know me personally, you know i'm not a bad or terrible person. i make mistakes, big ones, yes. but nothing for serious jail time. mental institutes? yes, personally i think that would be best for me rn because of my mental state. i've never asked for any of these things to happen to me. i tried to controll them to the best i could but it wasn't enough. because of my kind hearted and caring nature i just cannot handle this stress rn, and in the furry fandom/community neither can my sona self Moeru. soon i feel like he'll die, and with him so will i. i spent years making him into a part of me and he's become that part of me that i care about the most. he's not just a fictional piece of fiction for my sexual desires. he's more than that. he represents who i am as human being deep down inside.
through out this whole ordeal i feel like most of my friends have abandoned me. both on telegram kik and irl. while in the NH telegram furs group word spread about what i've done, my "friends" who knew me pretty well(or so i thought) turned me in to the admins. soon i was kicked. funny thing is though? the main admin of the NH group, he was hitting on me before he banned. yup. talk about a big "FUCK YOU", talking about mates and stuff. next thing i know "your getting banned". this hurt, a lot. most furs in the group know i'm not some sick or twisted or bad terrible person. i just make stupid mistakes that's all. the absolute worst feeling? ISOLATION. i thought i found a home, thought i found a place where i could be my self. but i was wrong. terribly wrong. kicked, then friends started ignoring me and blocking me. i know what i did was bad, and if your in the telegram group and your reading this. i hope you fucking burn in hell. backstabbing your friends like you did to me makes you lower than dirt and for the few times in my life i actually "HATE" others!! truly hate them. because of them and their sense of justice or duty i was kicked from my home. being kicked from the group makes me feel like i can't live in my own hometown or state. and you know what? that's worse than going to jail, worse than others disowning or slandering your good name and your friends leaving you. feeling like you don't belong in your own home that you've lived in your whole life. for these reasons, i hate you guys in the NH fur group. no one, criminal, misguided soul, should feel isolated like this in their own home.
phew. that was pretty deep stuff huh? well thanks for reading this(even if you didn't read it thanks for skimming through my page ^~^). i greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this. i know i'm not on FA as much, i know i haven't spoken to most of you in ages and i'm very sorry. i just needed to let you all know what's been going on in my life because your my friend(s) and i like to let you know how i'm doing from time to time. anyway have a good night, if you want to just shoot me a message and i'll respond as soon as i can ^~^
