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The Growth Drive - What happened and why did it take so long
8 years ago
General
Now before I go in depth, I want to make it perfectly clear that I'm not using this as an excuse, I know the blame falls squarely on myself, but on that same note I feel like I still owe people an explanation all the same.
The main issue can be factored into 3 things.
Real life problems.
General procrastination.
Anxiety issues.
So I'll go in order. Around the time I started the growth drive, was around the time that my step father had passed away also. I was in the middle of organizing his funeral and trying to help my step mother cope with living by herself, and given that time, I had a surge of energy, I mean I had to, how else was I going to get things on track. As a result, I was feeling super motivated artistically, or maybe drawing fat charizards was just a means of me coping, either way I thought "why the hell not" and so I announced the growth drive.
Truthfully, I wasn't really expecting as much of a result as I got, but to those who contributed, to this day, you have no idea how grateful I am for helping me raise the funds so quickly.
In hindsight opening up for a project like this when you're in an emotionally unstable state is never a good thing to do. But you know, bit late for that now. At any rate it was after I was able to get the monitor and keyboard from the funds, is when I also started to crash and burn, but not before at least completing the first part of the project and a few bits inbetween.
So during that period of time, I was at an emotional low, or rather, I was emotionally numb to everything, I wasn't getting any joy out of much of anything, and I really couldn't be bothered doing much of anything in general, I hadn't spoken to many of my friends during that time, I didn't want to, and even with stuff with my housemates at the time, I was feeling a slight disconnect between me and them, but I think i've chalked that up to just generally feeling depressed.
And then comes the healing process. My step mother flies off to the U.S for about 3 months to spend time with her daughter, during that time, I literally have nothing that's bringing me down, I'm not being hassled by her to keep her company so she doesn't feel alone, or trying to counsel her into not committing suicide, while trying to convince the same thing to yourself. As much as I love my step mother, she is the biggest burden that I have in my life, so to not have to worry about her, was literally like the world being taken off my shoulders, And during that time I actually started working on part 2 of the growth drive.
When I posted this particular image
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18814289/
I was actually done with the sketch, and later I had even done the line and flat colors for it, before I could really sit down to finish it, my former housemate, had decided that he wanted to go and live with his girlfriend, which left the question for me and my other housemate. "What were we going to do?" And she too wanted to move out and live by herself, so it was sink or swim for me at that point to, both housemates had made their intentions clear, so I had to figure out what I was going to do, and I needed to also move, actually I decided to kill two birds with one stone, and move back in with my step mother, to look after her, as she was showing signs of dementia. I'm not going to go into how stressful and upsetting it is, looking after someone with dementia, but yeah... but even then its not like its not my fault either for delays either, which leads me to the next point.
Procrastination.
Also during the time of me doing the growth drive the Guild Wars 2's Expansion had come out and I was heavily addicted, I don't have an excuse for that, I just wanted to play my vidya too, it helped me deal with a lot of crap, and I had made a lot of new friends through playing it, heck I'm in a relationship because of that game. But that just lead to the work being put on the back burner longer and longer. And then surprise surprise it's been a year since the first update, which flows back to my last point.
Anxiety.
You leave something that you promise something alone for long enough, and you're going to get someone passive aggressively harassing you, it really doesn't motivate you any, You get that sort of tone from people, that even though they don't want to say anything to you, you know what they are trying to get at. And I know that furries talk amongst each other, and word gets to people who are unrelated, and they start treating you differently.
But I mean I try not to let harassment get the better of me, but it really does knock you down, and even got to a point where I was almost starting to no longer find that appeal that I once did when I made Vulcan and put him in all these expansive predicaments.
And then you also have the whole fear that, even if you did complete it, it'll never live up to the hype you set for it... But I mean I bit the bullet on that one and I finally got around to doing it in the end.
So that's the gist of it.
All I can say is, I mean I still know that at the end of the day, personal problems or not, I should never of let it take this long, all I can hope for now is that you guys enjoy the long awaited 'finale' and hopefully continue to support me in the future. Thank-you all for understanding and being really cool!
The main issue can be factored into 3 things.
Real life problems.
General procrastination.
Anxiety issues.
So I'll go in order. Around the time I started the growth drive, was around the time that my step father had passed away also. I was in the middle of organizing his funeral and trying to help my step mother cope with living by herself, and given that time, I had a surge of energy, I mean I had to, how else was I going to get things on track. As a result, I was feeling super motivated artistically, or maybe drawing fat charizards was just a means of me coping, either way I thought "why the hell not" and so I announced the growth drive.
Truthfully, I wasn't really expecting as much of a result as I got, but to those who contributed, to this day, you have no idea how grateful I am for helping me raise the funds so quickly.
In hindsight opening up for a project like this when you're in an emotionally unstable state is never a good thing to do. But you know, bit late for that now. At any rate it was after I was able to get the monitor and keyboard from the funds, is when I also started to crash and burn, but not before at least completing the first part of the project and a few bits inbetween.
So during that period of time, I was at an emotional low, or rather, I was emotionally numb to everything, I wasn't getting any joy out of much of anything, and I really couldn't be bothered doing much of anything in general, I hadn't spoken to many of my friends during that time, I didn't want to, and even with stuff with my housemates at the time, I was feeling a slight disconnect between me and them, but I think i've chalked that up to just generally feeling depressed.
And then comes the healing process. My step mother flies off to the U.S for about 3 months to spend time with her daughter, during that time, I literally have nothing that's bringing me down, I'm not being hassled by her to keep her company so she doesn't feel alone, or trying to counsel her into not committing suicide, while trying to convince the same thing to yourself. As much as I love my step mother, she is the biggest burden that I have in my life, so to not have to worry about her, was literally like the world being taken off my shoulders, And during that time I actually started working on part 2 of the growth drive.
When I posted this particular image
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18814289/
I was actually done with the sketch, and later I had even done the line and flat colors for it, before I could really sit down to finish it, my former housemate, had decided that he wanted to go and live with his girlfriend, which left the question for me and my other housemate. "What were we going to do?" And she too wanted to move out and live by herself, so it was sink or swim for me at that point to, both housemates had made their intentions clear, so I had to figure out what I was going to do, and I needed to also move, actually I decided to kill two birds with one stone, and move back in with my step mother, to look after her, as she was showing signs of dementia. I'm not going to go into how stressful and upsetting it is, looking after someone with dementia, but yeah... but even then its not like its not my fault either for delays either, which leads me to the next point.
Procrastination.
Also during the time of me doing the growth drive the Guild Wars 2's Expansion had come out and I was heavily addicted, I don't have an excuse for that, I just wanted to play my vidya too, it helped me deal with a lot of crap, and I had made a lot of new friends through playing it, heck I'm in a relationship because of that game. But that just lead to the work being put on the back burner longer and longer. And then surprise surprise it's been a year since the first update, which flows back to my last point.
Anxiety.
You leave something that you promise something alone for long enough, and you're going to get someone passive aggressively harassing you, it really doesn't motivate you any, You get that sort of tone from people, that even though they don't want to say anything to you, you know what they are trying to get at. And I know that furries talk amongst each other, and word gets to people who are unrelated, and they start treating you differently.
But I mean I try not to let harassment get the better of me, but it really does knock you down, and even got to a point where I was almost starting to no longer find that appeal that I once did when I made Vulcan and put him in all these expansive predicaments.
And then you also have the whole fear that, even if you did complete it, it'll never live up to the hype you set for it... But I mean I bit the bullet on that one and I finally got around to doing it in the end.
So that's the gist of it.
All I can say is, I mean I still know that at the end of the day, personal problems or not, I should never of let it take this long, all I can hope for now is that you guys enjoy the long awaited 'finale' and hopefully continue to support me in the future. Thank-you all for understanding and being really cool!
Anyway, seeing as you're more active all around now I guess things are going better for you. I hope things stay that way and I hope you are able to draw more thicc zards :p
Here's to hopin' you keep doing well, regardless of how you choose to do things and regardless of whatever pace you go at. Focus on keeping yourself well, both mentally and emotionally. Best wishes. ^^
If anything, focusing on those problems should be a priority rather than letting them get worse.
Everyone should understand this and show you some tolerance and sympathy as a result.
If there was artwork you were supposed to make, you should put it on hold, and all good people would agree with me on that.
Different people behave differently. I've had to deal with some levels of depression myself, so I know how that sucks and how much it drains at your motivation to do things.
I don't hold anything against you, it just proves you're a person. Just do what you can, and the people that appreciates you for who you are will still be there.
Ironically, I was never angry. Had I been a supporter for you as well while in the donation drive, I probably still wouldn't have been upset. I was more concerned for the people who were possibly harassing you... And, I want to extend my sincerest apologies for the harassment. I was not a part of it, but I feel my lack of saying something has helped extend this issue.
I hope life gets better and people understand your predicaments.