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Hm...
8 years ago
Oh, hello!
I think I hate my life. (I need immersion and I can't get it because I'm poor)
(I'm fucking dying to go somewhere new and cool, to be a different person in a different place, where a different story and different setting are going on, but I fucking can't because I'm POOR and none of my friends are willing to spend money on me and fortunate and rich people couldn't give a fuck about me so I'm just going to fucking languish and rot and go fucking insane and die from monotony and dissatisfaction.)
(No one is willing to help me, and it's not as easy for me as getting a job.)
Just fucking kill me, put me out of my misery already. I should've have to experience this. There are entire worlds out there that I will never, ever get to explore, and people who could never appreciate them properly go there two or three times a year just because they're fucking RICH.
I realized that the deep sadness and longing I feel every summer is my fucking longing to IMMERSE MYSELF and EXPLORE. Two things I can';t fucking do. I'm trapped in this goddamn (sorry God) house all the time, all the FUCKING TIME! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!!!!!! I don't have a car, I don't have a job, I don't have rich friends or friends who care about me enough to take me places!! I am completely unable to help myself, and no one is willing to help me!! So what can I fucking do?!
I realized I long to go to Japan not just because of my love and all that for it, but because it's an entirely new and different world I have yet to explore or experience for myself. 3 of my 6 friends have been there, one is going to fucking Australia right now, and I've left the house 4 TIMES in two or three fucking weeks. I've seen the same thing every day for so many fucking days in a row, it's driving me CRAZY. I CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER MONOTONOUS SUMMER!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING CAN NOT DO IT. THIS HAS TO FUCKING STOP!!!!! If there are people born lucky and people who are just plain fucking fortunate, there has to be some wya I can go somewhere fucking cool without fucking KILLING MYSELF FIRST, omg I just wanna SCREAM right now. No one cares, no one knows, no one wants to know, and no one is able to help if they actually want to. I could stuff my fucking corpse with all the "I wish you could" and "I hope you can" and "Things will get better" that I've heard. I'm not gonna fucking die physically, but if I don't get the hell out of here Lord knows what will happen to me. I HAVE to get out of here. I HAVE TO.
I'm so mad I can't even fucking see straight now, great.
(I'm fucking dying to go somewhere new and cool, to be a different person in a different place, where a different story and different setting are going on, but I fucking can't because I'm POOR and none of my friends are willing to spend money on me and fortunate and rich people couldn't give a fuck about me so I'm just going to fucking languish and rot and go fucking insane and die from monotony and dissatisfaction.)
(No one is willing to help me, and it's not as easy for me as getting a job.)
Just fucking kill me, put me out of my misery already. I should've have to experience this. There are entire worlds out there that I will never, ever get to explore, and people who could never appreciate them properly go there two or three times a year just because they're fucking RICH.
I realized that the deep sadness and longing I feel every summer is my fucking longing to IMMERSE MYSELF and EXPLORE. Two things I can';t fucking do. I'm trapped in this goddamn (sorry God) house all the time, all the FUCKING TIME! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!!!!!! I don't have a car, I don't have a job, I don't have rich friends or friends who care about me enough to take me places!! I am completely unable to help myself, and no one is willing to help me!! So what can I fucking do?!
I realized I long to go to Japan not just because of my love and all that for it, but because it's an entirely new and different world I have yet to explore or experience for myself. 3 of my 6 friends have been there, one is going to fucking Australia right now, and I've left the house 4 TIMES in two or three fucking weeks. I've seen the same thing every day for so many fucking days in a row, it's driving me CRAZY. I CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER MONOTONOUS SUMMER!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING CAN NOT DO IT. THIS HAS TO FUCKING STOP!!!!! If there are people born lucky and people who are just plain fucking fortunate, there has to be some wya I can go somewhere fucking cool without fucking KILLING MYSELF FIRST, omg I just wanna SCREAM right now. No one cares, no one knows, no one wants to know, and no one is able to help if they actually want to. I could stuff my fucking corpse with all the "I wish you could" and "I hope you can" and "Things will get better" that I've heard. I'm not gonna fucking die physically, but if I don't get the hell out of here Lord knows what will happen to me. I HAVE to get out of here. I HAVE TO.
I'm so mad I can't even fucking see straight now, great.
You have to change your perspective on life...view life for its beauty...things may be tough especially when you see other people having the time of their life...
I grew up poor and am today very poor...my friends were all well off and they all go travel and experience things that I could only dream of...i get upset too because sometimes they don't realize how lucky they have it...but that is their life..not mine...and no amount of hating them or being angry at the world will magically change it...
if you don't want to be stuck doing mundane tasks in the summer than you have to be the one to push yourself out there and do things...you'll have to get creative especially if you do not have money...but there are many things present you can experience....the world is vast and I can only wonder what would happen if you randomly took a walk or a hike...go travel the world close by which doesn't require money or a passport...one day you'll get to go see the world but if you're financially unable don't let it bring you down...let it inspire you...push you...to accomplish your goals and desires.
That sucks xnx I understand that. I actually spoke about this in 3 places over an hour or two, so I was much angrier and basically just screaming by the time I got here. (I was calm on facebook, sad and frantic on my journal, and completely freaking out by the time I got here).
My biggest problem is lack of transportation. I've already ridden my bike and walked around my neighborhood area, so I've seen most there is to see. What I haven't seen is the dangerous areas. I live in the desert, so going too far off the path can put in some pretty bad situations with jumping cacti and venomous creatures. But thank you uwu I appreciate your comment, and a friend of mine surprised me and was able to comfort me and talk me through it. Once I get a car, most of my problems (which most often stem from monotony) will be solved.
and sorry for the shitty english
You could talk to me some time if you wanted ^^ I'm also a fan of manga and anime, though I'm refraining from watching anime this summer X3 Or at least trying to. And I'd commission you if I had money ^^
Yes, the most people say I am lazy and don´t understand it, even therapists when the demotivation stays for longer time.
I´ll write you a note.
It really is frustrating. And okay ^^