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A short, yet busy journey of the heart and mind
8 years ago
Hello followers & friends,
It's been a long time since I wrote a journal (6 Months) and even longer on updates of things like art and contests/raffles. I wish I could say that things would return to as they where but the drive, will, money, and purpose has left me, and thus things would not return as they where till one or more things change for the better. Over the last year I been dealing with what I would call a mild form of depression that rips at my very soul and being, in which I have dedicated my efforts to find why this affliction has struck me now after a life of 27 years prior of happiness and joy. Even now as I write this, I am not 100% sure if I have the right answers to even the right questions, but I have learned a hell of a lot about myself and what makes me unhappy/happy. In the end I have spent a small fortune that was part of my mothers estate to fill a hole that was left by her passing, searching for the a person or persons that could bring a direction and renew purpose to my life. The biggest thing that brings me joy in life is believing in someone and reviving the kind in return. The biggest disappointment/frustration is seeing others saying/doing the same thing as me and getting far better results for just the same effort. Sadly I have encountered far more disappointment and frustration in that it has turned me from a happy-go-lucky guy into a bitter, vengeful man.
When I say that I am lonely, it is not the loneliness of not having someone to talk to or even be with, but the loneliness that of being unable to share the love, devotion, and passion with a person who would appreciate it. This is like being invited to a party filled with people you know, bringing a hand crafted pie that took many weeks to prefect, then setting it out next to all the other food, never to be touched or eaten for the whole duration of the party and asked to take it home with you afterwords. That is the "Loneliness" I feel every day for the last 2 years since my mothers passing. Sure there are people out there that would love to have me, and I have encountered them, but every one of them wanted the "Pie" and not the person who made it. Some say I should just unselfishly give my "Pies" away, hell just give everything you have to everyone that asks and be just be "Happy" for what you have. That is self-destructive thinking and setting me up for a LONG road of un-"Happiness" down the road as everything I worked for, everything that is given to me is slowly striped till I have nothing to give and then truly be lonely in the world. As I said, I am not lonely as in there is no one around me but lonely in the sense there is no who wants who I am.
Thankfully, I have had the opportunity to experience the very things that made me happy in the last 2 years, although fleeting. Visiting with new people, especially others I have found attractive and whom gave me the very things I needed in my life. Finding new hobbies that pushed me to my limits and back for great rewards that I can share with my friends and family. Traveling to places I have never been too, learning and seeing things for future travels. All these things I have found have given me hope that I can overcome this "Loneliness" in life, as there are people out there that fit into what I am looking for.
But in the end it all fades away, covered up by countless failures and catastrophic setbacks, blows to my very being and making it harder to continue. I grow tired of the spoken advice given, sometimes the same thing said by different people thinking it will magically fix everything. No, that is not what I need from people, what I really need is commitment to help and not just spout advice or words of encouragement. True help and advice is helping me network with people, meeting new faces, taking me out to places that could help in my search. That's what i need as to the "Make a online profile and ask pretty girls out" which has only turned into a near finical disaster and making me more bitter toward people. I need friends who know others who are single and can tell me about them, introduce me, and just help guide me through the mine field of girls looking to bleed me dry in both sanity and money.
Another part of "Loneliness" is the lack of a drive or empowerment to better my self in my work as a software developer. I currently work on a very small development team of 4 people; A Software architect, a senior developer, and one other junior developer that I been with for the last 3, almost 4 years. After my mothers sudden passing, I slowly stopped working on personal projects and hobbies as no one at work cared about them. Instead I have been listening to my co-workers talk about how great it is to have a family, kids, and in many cases use them as excuses for leaving early or from home. This has stirred up a huge amount of conflict and bitterness inside me, even to the point of silently wishing ill upon them and there families before catching myself. I feel like I am the odd kid out when they talk about family as mine is quite small (A father, an uncle, and rapidly aging grandmother) and having nothing to add to any conversations. I can see why they work so hard, and who they work for but for me it's different in that I am alone. If I get fired from my job, I can still live by burning the savings I have stashed away, no one to support but myself. Like wise if something where to happen to me, there would be no one there for me physically. Many drives from work make me ponder how long it would take someone to notice my absence if I got in car wreak, I calculated one week for co-workers and three weeks for everyone else if I ended up in the hospital. I only know a few people who would even come to see me, hospital or not and only two people actively seek out meeting with me, both of whom where there for me when my mother passed.
If there is two things that vex me in my search for the cure of "loneliness" it's these two; Finlay finding a person who you would like to have a relationship with only to find out they already are in a relationship not to long ago. Friends whom I would like a relationship with, talk about problems I could of helped with or solved but can't because there in a committed relationship and would be wrong for me to do so. I figured these would be less of an issue if I encountered more people whom I would like a relationship with, though sadly it's rare for me to encounter such people so I get hung up on the few I know...
In any event I am very much alive, though not sure if it's a good kind of alive. I had my 29th birthday 4 days ago on June 6th, making me wonder if there really is someone out there for me that happens to be single still. Ah well, I guess I can make due till the reaper calls my name, till then I will continue to work and seek out things that can hopefully cure me of this "Loneliness". If there are people in the Greater Atlanta area who seriously wish to help, please feel free to contact me here in private. For thous that talk to me on a regular biases, thank you and I wish we could all meet some time and help take my mind off being single.
Thanks and have a blessed weekend
Drakesblood
It's been a long time since I wrote a journal (6 Months) and even longer on updates of things like art and contests/raffles. I wish I could say that things would return to as they where but the drive, will, money, and purpose has left me, and thus things would not return as they where till one or more things change for the better. Over the last year I been dealing with what I would call a mild form of depression that rips at my very soul and being, in which I have dedicated my efforts to find why this affliction has struck me now after a life of 27 years prior of happiness and joy. Even now as I write this, I am not 100% sure if I have the right answers to even the right questions, but I have learned a hell of a lot about myself and what makes me unhappy/happy. In the end I have spent a small fortune that was part of my mothers estate to fill a hole that was left by her passing, searching for the a person or persons that could bring a direction and renew purpose to my life. The biggest thing that brings me joy in life is believing in someone and reviving the kind in return. The biggest disappointment/frustration is seeing others saying/doing the same thing as me and getting far better results for just the same effort. Sadly I have encountered far more disappointment and frustration in that it has turned me from a happy-go-lucky guy into a bitter, vengeful man.
When I say that I am lonely, it is not the loneliness of not having someone to talk to or even be with, but the loneliness that of being unable to share the love, devotion, and passion with a person who would appreciate it. This is like being invited to a party filled with people you know, bringing a hand crafted pie that took many weeks to prefect, then setting it out next to all the other food, never to be touched or eaten for the whole duration of the party and asked to take it home with you afterwords. That is the "Loneliness" I feel every day for the last 2 years since my mothers passing. Sure there are people out there that would love to have me, and I have encountered them, but every one of them wanted the "Pie" and not the person who made it. Some say I should just unselfishly give my "Pies" away, hell just give everything you have to everyone that asks and be just be "Happy" for what you have. That is self-destructive thinking and setting me up for a LONG road of un-"Happiness" down the road as everything I worked for, everything that is given to me is slowly striped till I have nothing to give and then truly be lonely in the world. As I said, I am not lonely as in there is no one around me but lonely in the sense there is no who wants who I am.
Thankfully, I have had the opportunity to experience the very things that made me happy in the last 2 years, although fleeting. Visiting with new people, especially others I have found attractive and whom gave me the very things I needed in my life. Finding new hobbies that pushed me to my limits and back for great rewards that I can share with my friends and family. Traveling to places I have never been too, learning and seeing things for future travels. All these things I have found have given me hope that I can overcome this "Loneliness" in life, as there are people out there that fit into what I am looking for.
But in the end it all fades away, covered up by countless failures and catastrophic setbacks, blows to my very being and making it harder to continue. I grow tired of the spoken advice given, sometimes the same thing said by different people thinking it will magically fix everything. No, that is not what I need from people, what I really need is commitment to help and not just spout advice or words of encouragement. True help and advice is helping me network with people, meeting new faces, taking me out to places that could help in my search. That's what i need as to the "Make a online profile and ask pretty girls out" which has only turned into a near finical disaster and making me more bitter toward people. I need friends who know others who are single and can tell me about them, introduce me, and just help guide me through the mine field of girls looking to bleed me dry in both sanity and money.
Another part of "Loneliness" is the lack of a drive or empowerment to better my self in my work as a software developer. I currently work on a very small development team of 4 people; A Software architect, a senior developer, and one other junior developer that I been with for the last 3, almost 4 years. After my mothers sudden passing, I slowly stopped working on personal projects and hobbies as no one at work cared about them. Instead I have been listening to my co-workers talk about how great it is to have a family, kids, and in many cases use them as excuses for leaving early or from home. This has stirred up a huge amount of conflict and bitterness inside me, even to the point of silently wishing ill upon them and there families before catching myself. I feel like I am the odd kid out when they talk about family as mine is quite small (A father, an uncle, and rapidly aging grandmother) and having nothing to add to any conversations. I can see why they work so hard, and who they work for but for me it's different in that I am alone. If I get fired from my job, I can still live by burning the savings I have stashed away, no one to support but myself. Like wise if something where to happen to me, there would be no one there for me physically. Many drives from work make me ponder how long it would take someone to notice my absence if I got in car wreak, I calculated one week for co-workers and three weeks for everyone else if I ended up in the hospital. I only know a few people who would even come to see me, hospital or not and only two people actively seek out meeting with me, both of whom where there for me when my mother passed.
If there is two things that vex me in my search for the cure of "loneliness" it's these two; Finlay finding a person who you would like to have a relationship with only to find out they already are in a relationship not to long ago. Friends whom I would like a relationship with, talk about problems I could of helped with or solved but can't because there in a committed relationship and would be wrong for me to do so. I figured these would be less of an issue if I encountered more people whom I would like a relationship with, though sadly it's rare for me to encounter such people so I get hung up on the few I know...
In any event I am very much alive, though not sure if it's a good kind of alive. I had my 29th birthday 4 days ago on June 6th, making me wonder if there really is someone out there for me that happens to be single still. Ah well, I guess I can make due till the reaper calls my name, till then I will continue to work and seek out things that can hopefully cure me of this "Loneliness". If there are people in the Greater Atlanta area who seriously wish to help, please feel free to contact me here in private. For thous that talk to me on a regular biases, thank you and I wish we could all meet some time and help take my mind off being single.
Thanks and have a blessed weekend
Drakesblood
