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A new start; Hope and despair
7 years ago
Hello fellow watchers,
Been awhile since I posted much or did much of anything here, but a lot of things have happened since my last post and well today. First off, I moved from Georgia to Michigan. This resulted in me resigning from my position as a software developer making moderate pay to not having a job and a HUGE stack of expenses. Thankfully I took all the money I have earned for the last 4 years and put it to work in the stock market, ignoring the trap that was cryptocurrency. The move was rather short as it took only three days more or less, and everything fits in a tiny two bed-room trailer home (Brand new, so woo hoo!) that I am renting for a figurative steal.
After many false starts, up and downs with different interviews and jobs, I finally landed a job. This job was a dream come true, a blessing, a miracle that I still can't quite shake off. I found another software development job that gave me a 50% raise to my last job, vacation and time off that made my head spin, and a environment that I always dreamed about. With this new income I figured I can really do something, something I have never done before but before that... I need to make sure I live through the next 90 days of developer hell.
One of the main reasons I nearly tossed away everything I had in Georgia was because I needed friends. Not just people to talk too, but people to DO things with. Since moving up I have gotten in better shape, I smile more, and you better believe it I am having fun with a group of my closest friends. At this point anyone on the outside could see that I have made it, I am the definition of successful. Though with everything I have there is a shadow that grows with every tick of the day. June was my 30th birthday, and it made it very clear everything I have worked for and get in the future is all for nought.
This is the despair, the shadow that may never consume me but can make me wish it did. This shadow is not really a failure that haunts me, but a ghastly specter that whispers a chilling phrase every moment you are alone. It's words weigh heavy like a lead coat, it's words speak a truths that make you doubt your resolve, it's words bring a chill so cold that even the warmest smile and word feels numb. This words come with a ticking not of being mortal, for I don't fear death but of a ticking that means more to me then life it self. For it is about life that it ticks, a life I may never have if it stops ticking, yet live past when it stops. To some this shadow is nothing but a wispy thought, but to me this is 20 of life built for a single purpose; Being part of a loving family with my own kids.
Deep down you know what you want in life, the very thing that gets you out of bed, pushes your through the crap in life, and doing anything less then what you want makes you feel cheated. Even when I am at the top, I still am at the bottom hoping that one day I find that special someone...
Take care and be safe,
Drakesblood
Been awhile since I posted much or did much of anything here, but a lot of things have happened since my last post and well today. First off, I moved from Georgia to Michigan. This resulted in me resigning from my position as a software developer making moderate pay to not having a job and a HUGE stack of expenses. Thankfully I took all the money I have earned for the last 4 years and put it to work in the stock market, ignoring the trap that was cryptocurrency. The move was rather short as it took only three days more or less, and everything fits in a tiny two bed-room trailer home (Brand new, so woo hoo!) that I am renting for a figurative steal.
After many false starts, up and downs with different interviews and jobs, I finally landed a job. This job was a dream come true, a blessing, a miracle that I still can't quite shake off. I found another software development job that gave me a 50% raise to my last job, vacation and time off that made my head spin, and a environment that I always dreamed about. With this new income I figured I can really do something, something I have never done before but before that... I need to make sure I live through the next 90 days of developer hell.
One of the main reasons I nearly tossed away everything I had in Georgia was because I needed friends. Not just people to talk too, but people to DO things with. Since moving up I have gotten in better shape, I smile more, and you better believe it I am having fun with a group of my closest friends. At this point anyone on the outside could see that I have made it, I am the definition of successful. Though with everything I have there is a shadow that grows with every tick of the day. June was my 30th birthday, and it made it very clear everything I have worked for and get in the future is all for nought.
This is the despair, the shadow that may never consume me but can make me wish it did. This shadow is not really a failure that haunts me, but a ghastly specter that whispers a chilling phrase every moment you are alone. It's words weigh heavy like a lead coat, it's words speak a truths that make you doubt your resolve, it's words bring a chill so cold that even the warmest smile and word feels numb. This words come with a ticking not of being mortal, for I don't fear death but of a ticking that means more to me then life it self. For it is about life that it ticks, a life I may never have if it stops ticking, yet live past when it stops. To some this shadow is nothing but a wispy thought, but to me this is 20 of life built for a single purpose; Being part of a loving family with my own kids.
Deep down you know what you want in life, the very thing that gets you out of bed, pushes your through the crap in life, and doing anything less then what you want makes you feel cheated. Even when I am at the top, I still am at the bottom hoping that one day I find that special someone...
Take care and be safe,
Drakesblood
It takes attempts, practice, and maturing through experience to reach what you determine as your end goal. We are in the thousands of millions, but it's extremely difficult to land such a blind dart shot on the first attempt.
Don't be afraid to live things the way they're meant to be lived. Life is too short just to keep waiting, as you said. Or, even more fearsome: have the opportunity arrive, and then realizing you are not capable of properly grasping it due to a lack of experience. Convivence is not easy, specially not the first times.
I think you're doing the things the absolutely most hardest way possible, in that sense. Though, if you REALLY want to do things your way... be aware that it'll probably take a long time.
It's probably just a balance, in the end. ^^