All right, so I finally saw the new Exploding Robots film. A.K.A., Transformers. Instead of doing a typical review, here’s a quick rundown of the whole film series upon rewatching the first four films this week.

Transformers: 7/10. Great, fun film from start to finish. Too many subplots, some of the humor fell flat, but overall, I had a great time watching this. It’s as fun as TMNT: Out of the Shadows. Make what you will of that.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen: 2/10. Absolute shit. First eight minutes were fine, then the movie immediately plummets. And it stays there. It comes back up a couple times, but ultimately ends on a very low point. Humor was fucking incessant, it wasn’t funny, Leo did not die, and the Fallen is one of the worst villains of all fucking time.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: 6/10. Starts off kinda “meh.” First hour of the movie isn’t too great, but I stuck with it because I liked Sam’s overall arc. Mikaela, who I actually did like (even if she was played by Megan Fox) is replaced by a damsel in distress. An autobot I really like dies horribly and abruptly. The ending’s a bit too long, and the resolution is too short. That being said, the second half of the film made up for the first half—just enough for it to be enjoyable and fun. But not as enjoyable as the first movie.

Transformers: Age of Extinction: 3.5/10. Frustrating. Absolutely frustrating. This movie started off so damn well. It was darker, the stakes were higher, Cade Yaegar and Optimus Prime bonded very well compared to Sam and Optimus, and the annoying-ass comic relief character died so horribly that I actually felt bad when he got his ass fried. Stanley Tucci’s character, while over-the-top, was interesting. His arc was interesting. I loved the whole secret, super-evil CIA anti-Transformers plot. I absolutely adore Lockdown. And they finally got Frank Welker to voice “Megatron.”

THEN THE THIRD ACT FUCKED UP EVERYTHING.

The third act of this film has so many explosions, and so much fucking bullshit going on, that it’s boring. It’s oversaturated BULLSHIT. I tried rewatching this film last night, and as soon as the second act ended, I fell asleep. I’m not fucking joking. This goddamn movie put me to sleep and I had to finish it this morning. It’s too damn long. There’s too many goddamn explosions. This film—I’ll tell you what this film is. This film is like dinner. You have an appetizer, and it’s wonderful! Then you get the entrée. And it’s decent. It’s good. For dessert? You have cake. And then you sit up from your chair. Then someone chains your ass to the chair and forces you to eat more cake. And more cake. And more. And more. And more. Then you throw up. Then they make you eat more cake. You throw up again. Then they make you eat that throw up. Then some asshole comes in front of you with a firehose and blasts your ass with gallons upon gallons of soda and expects you to drink every goddamn drop.

I’m sorry. But that’s too much fucking cake for me.

Transformers: The Last Knight: 4/10. I can’t give this movie a 6/10, because then that would mean it’s slightly above average. I can’t give it a 5/10, because that would mean it was mediocre and forgettable. And holy fuck, that is not true. This movie……………

This movie impressed me. It……..impressed me. This movie managed to-to show me……that you can make a movie this bad……..and not hate it. I don’t hate this movie. I actually enjoyed it in many different parts. This movie was this year’s Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. I’m not even joking. There’s even a scene in this film that’s very similar to the “Martha” scene.

I AM NOT SHITTING YOU.

The problem with this film? Once again, the ending goes on and on and on—not as horrendous as Age of Extinction, but I definitely started to get bored during the climax. Or rather, the third climax. And there’s a mid-credits scene that was nothing but setup for a sixth film. Y’see, this movie had the exact opposite effect of Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. As bad as that movie was, it got me very interested in future DC movies! When this movie ended, I threw up my hands and said:

“NOPE. NO MORE. I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS. FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY.”

…..So there. I’m done. I am done.

I am done.

Will I give a more in-depth review of The Last Knight? Probably. Maybe. Who knows. I need to reiterate: I did not hate this film like nearly everyone else on the Internet. And there were some legitimately good things in the film, like the badass butler robot Cogman. And Anthony Hopkins clearly looked like he was having fun. I enjoyed many aspects of this movie because it was bad. But a bad movie is still a bad movie, whether or not you got enjoyment out of it.

*sighs*


Now then. Onto Beast Wars and Beast Machines.