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Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters Review
8 years ago
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It’s Blow Shit Up Day. What better way to celebrate that than by blowing shit up? Easy!
By talking about a mediocre blowy-shitty-uppy game.
RATING: 5/10
So we’re onto the fifth installment of the franchise. As Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean, Die Hard, the Star Wars films, and Game of Thrones will tell you, the fifth entry is always the best one. Clearly.
The plot’s simple. Ratchet and Clank are on vacation in Pokitaru. A little girl wants to photograph Ratchet destroying robots. Then robots kidnap her. Now Ratchet and Clank gotta destroy more robots. But the little girl is also a robot. So they destroy her too. More shit happens. Then the game ends. Woo.
Some people have complained that they hate Ratchet in this game, and the intro cutscene shows. Ratchet is stomping on Clank’s sand model he’s building, he’s being lazy and kind of an ass again—he’s behaving the way he did in the first game. That being said, I’m fine with Ratchet’s character. He’s saved the galaxy four times now; he deserves to have some time off, as does Clank. It was actually interesting to see the two dynamics clashing with each other again. Clank is fine with being on vacation, but his brain is still in “hero” mode. Meanwhile Ratchet is perfectly fine letting someone else save the galaxy. Considering my current endeavors and all the crap I’ve been swamped with lately, I do not blame Ratchet at all, and his impatient and grouchy temper in the beginning of the game is understandable. And on top of that, he does get nicer as the game progresses. Despite everything, this game got Ratchet and Clank down correctly, even if some of their dialogue is very…I guess “kiddie” is the right word. Good for the makers of a PSP-turned-PS2 game for keep these characters intact!
EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS GAME IS SHIT!
How the fuck is anyone supposed to move around in the game without straining their eyes or getting frustrated? I know this is technically a PSP game, but goddamn. At least give the players of the PS2 port and option to change the camera angles and settings. The game does not seem to have the ability to turn the camera when you want it to. The game only does when the game wants to—and that’s annoying if you’re trying to figure out if there are enemies behind you or in the distance. Being a PSP game, the camera space is limited to this rectangular, close-up box around Ratchet. You can’t see anything beyond that unless you walk over to that location. It’s tolerable after you get used to it though, so it’s not a major complaint.
The game has a variety of weapons, like always. You got your discount shotgun, your discount flamethrower, your discount shield, discount blaster, discount rocket launcher—that’s all it is: just discount weapons from all the previous games. That being said, all these weapons function properly and do the job at least, so that’s fine.
The game’s not really difficult though. Or long. The game doesn’t get legitimately challenging until the final stage really. Up until then it’s just a standard game with normal difficulty. Some enemies are a bit tougher than others, but since you can upgrade your weapons and you also have armor you can collect, that lowers the toughness a bit. That being said, the final stage where you fight a buttload of Ratchet clones was somewhat interesting. And since they are clones of Ratchet, it would explain why they’re so resilient. But like I said, game’s very short—think I beat it in under five hours.
There’s only eight levels, ten if you include the mini Dream-stage level and the mini Clank-body-invasion level. And I will admit I did like the Clank level. I hated the Dream-stage level. When you combine the shitty camera angles with how distorted the stage is and the sheer amount of platforming you gotta do, that really hinders the level’s enjoyment. Although I did like one aspect of the level. In this stage, you’ll see a mirror and an enemy will fly straight toward you. If you break the mirror, the image of the enemy multiplies. I thought that was a very neat touch. I don’t have a favorite stage besides the Clank one, and I only liked the Clank one because it stood out the most for the right reasons. Everything else was just a bland planet. The music for each planet is very bland; it’s basically background music you barely even notice. The developers didn’t even bother giving the boss Luna her own theme. It’s the same as the original, light-hearted tune for the planet you fight her on. There’s also two mini-boss segments in this stage where you gotta run or dodge Luna’s attacks, and the game doesn’t let you skip any of it.
The universe in this game seems very empty. There are hardly any NPCs in the game except for discount Skid McMarx, discount Gadgetron scientist, and the two main villains. That’s it. Besides those two, I can’t remember a single other NPC in this entire game who isn’t some evil robot. As for the villains, one of them is a somewhat cool-looking alien named Emperor Otto who rules over the Technomites, the villains in the game. Otto basically wants to rule the universe by kidnapping the smartest individuals ever known with his army of Ratchet clones and planting their knowledge into his own brain, thereby making him the most intelligent being in the cosmos. A villain who wants to make an army of Ratchet clones is a cool idea. But the villain’s motivation was kinda meh. Then again a lot of the villains in the series got “meh” motivation or very simple, easy-to-follow motivations, so it’s not too much of an issue. Everything leading up to the final boss fight was cool. The boss fight itself was tedious as shit, because Otto has an absurd amount of health.
Something I also noticed about the game? There’s a delay when you perform some attacks and jumps. Sometimes even if you hit the X button, you won’t jump. Or you will jump, but there will be a minor delay. And yes, a half-second delay is a big deal when you’re trying to double jump over an attack, but only jump once, and then get hit, and then you die and gotta start a boss fight all over again. This really shouldn’t be that much of a big deal, but when you throw in this little annoyance alongside the shitty camera controls? That makes a boss fight much more difficult than it really needs to be.
*sighs*
I don’t wanna talk about this game anymore. So I’m not gonna. Let’s just get to the conclusion. Fuck it.
No, don’t buy this game. Don’t even rent it. There’s no point. The worst rating you can give anything is a 1/10 or a 5/10. Yes, a 5/10 is arguably the worst rating you can give something. It’s right in the middle. That’s not where you wanna be, because that heavily implies you’re boring, forgettable, unoriginal, or all three. This game isn’t shitty enough to make fun of. It’s not entertainingly bad. It’s not great. It’s not good. It exists. This is the No Man’s Sky of the Ratchet & Clank series. There’s nothing this game has to offer that you can’t experience in other games that are more enjoyable.
You say I complain that this game is too short? Well, guess what? Star Fox 64, Star Fox: Assault, and even Star Fox Zero all have short campaigns that can be beaten in about five hours or less. And all three of these games have much better gameplay, replay value, and are much more entertaining.
You say I complain about the game’s shitty camera angles? Well, Sonic Adventure 2 and Orc Attack: Flatulent Rebellion have shitty camera angles. And both of those games are more manageable to control and more entertaining than this. Yes, people. A game about farting orcs is more entertaining.
You say I complain about the game’s absurdly difficult boss battles? Okay, fine. Here’s a lovely game on the GameCube called Viewtiful Joe. It’s very, very challenging from start to finish, and some of the bosses are extremely difficult to beat. But they are not frustrating; there’s a big difference between the two words. Frustrating is when something is difficult for all the wrong reasons. Challenging is when something is difficult because it was designed to be difficult. But it’s not unbeatable. Fighting Fire Leo and Hulk Davidson is challenging. Fighting Shao Kahn in the Mortal Kombat reboot is frustrating. You have to cheat. You can’t beat this motherfucker unless you cheat.
THAT’S NOT A GOOD FUCKING BOSS, NETHERREALM STUDIOS!
Even if you’ve never played Ratchet & Clank, I wouldn’t recommend this. Just go buy one of the other four games I’ve already reviewed. Even Ratchet: Deadlocked was much more fun than this! Repetitive, sure, but if you play that game on Exterminator difficult? It is very challenging and absolute loads of fun. Arguably one of the best experiences I’ve had replaying this series was from that game. Wanna experience a cool challenge? Play Ratchet: Deadlocked. Fight the Eviscerator using nothing but the Scorpion Flail. Crank the difficulty up to Exterminator.
You will not be disappointed.
Fun fact: while playing this game yesterday, I kept dying around the same area on the last level of the game. Eventually I paused it, somehow got tired, and passed out for over an hour. Then I woke up later and was like “Oh shit, I forgot. I’m still playing this damn game.” Clank himself nearly falls asleep during a cutscene in this game.
CLANK.
Make what you will of that.
By talking about a mediocre blowy-shitty-uppy game.
RATING: 5/10
So we’re onto the fifth installment of the franchise. As Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean, Die Hard, the Star Wars films, and Game of Thrones will tell you, the fifth entry is always the best one. Clearly.
The plot’s simple. Ratchet and Clank are on vacation in Pokitaru. A little girl wants to photograph Ratchet destroying robots. Then robots kidnap her. Now Ratchet and Clank gotta destroy more robots. But the little girl is also a robot. So they destroy her too. More shit happens. Then the game ends. Woo.
Some people have complained that they hate Ratchet in this game, and the intro cutscene shows. Ratchet is stomping on Clank’s sand model he’s building, he’s being lazy and kind of an ass again—he’s behaving the way he did in the first game. That being said, I’m fine with Ratchet’s character. He’s saved the galaxy four times now; he deserves to have some time off, as does Clank. It was actually interesting to see the two dynamics clashing with each other again. Clank is fine with being on vacation, but his brain is still in “hero” mode. Meanwhile Ratchet is perfectly fine letting someone else save the galaxy. Considering my current endeavors and all the crap I’ve been swamped with lately, I do not blame Ratchet at all, and his impatient and grouchy temper in the beginning of the game is understandable. And on top of that, he does get nicer as the game progresses. Despite everything, this game got Ratchet and Clank down correctly, even if some of their dialogue is very…I guess “kiddie” is the right word. Good for the makers of a PSP-turned-PS2 game for keep these characters intact!
EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS GAME IS SHIT!
How the fuck is anyone supposed to move around in the game without straining their eyes or getting frustrated? I know this is technically a PSP game, but goddamn. At least give the players of the PS2 port and option to change the camera angles and settings. The game does not seem to have the ability to turn the camera when you want it to. The game only does when the game wants to—and that’s annoying if you’re trying to figure out if there are enemies behind you or in the distance. Being a PSP game, the camera space is limited to this rectangular, close-up box around Ratchet. You can’t see anything beyond that unless you walk over to that location. It’s tolerable after you get used to it though, so it’s not a major complaint.
The game has a variety of weapons, like always. You got your discount shotgun, your discount flamethrower, your discount shield, discount blaster, discount rocket launcher—that’s all it is: just discount weapons from all the previous games. That being said, all these weapons function properly and do the job at least, so that’s fine.
The game’s not really difficult though. Or long. The game doesn’t get legitimately challenging until the final stage really. Up until then it’s just a standard game with normal difficulty. Some enemies are a bit tougher than others, but since you can upgrade your weapons and you also have armor you can collect, that lowers the toughness a bit. That being said, the final stage where you fight a buttload of Ratchet clones was somewhat interesting. And since they are clones of Ratchet, it would explain why they’re so resilient. But like I said, game’s very short—think I beat it in under five hours.
There’s only eight levels, ten if you include the mini Dream-stage level and the mini Clank-body-invasion level. And I will admit I did like the Clank level. I hated the Dream-stage level. When you combine the shitty camera angles with how distorted the stage is and the sheer amount of platforming you gotta do, that really hinders the level’s enjoyment. Although I did like one aspect of the level. In this stage, you’ll see a mirror and an enemy will fly straight toward you. If you break the mirror, the image of the enemy multiplies. I thought that was a very neat touch. I don’t have a favorite stage besides the Clank one, and I only liked the Clank one because it stood out the most for the right reasons. Everything else was just a bland planet. The music for each planet is very bland; it’s basically background music you barely even notice. The developers didn’t even bother giving the boss Luna her own theme. It’s the same as the original, light-hearted tune for the planet you fight her on. There’s also two mini-boss segments in this stage where you gotta run or dodge Luna’s attacks, and the game doesn’t let you skip any of it.
The universe in this game seems very empty. There are hardly any NPCs in the game except for discount Skid McMarx, discount Gadgetron scientist, and the two main villains. That’s it. Besides those two, I can’t remember a single other NPC in this entire game who isn’t some evil robot. As for the villains, one of them is a somewhat cool-looking alien named Emperor Otto who rules over the Technomites, the villains in the game. Otto basically wants to rule the universe by kidnapping the smartest individuals ever known with his army of Ratchet clones and planting their knowledge into his own brain, thereby making him the most intelligent being in the cosmos. A villain who wants to make an army of Ratchet clones is a cool idea. But the villain’s motivation was kinda meh. Then again a lot of the villains in the series got “meh” motivation or very simple, easy-to-follow motivations, so it’s not too much of an issue. Everything leading up to the final boss fight was cool. The boss fight itself was tedious as shit, because Otto has an absurd amount of health.
Something I also noticed about the game? There’s a delay when you perform some attacks and jumps. Sometimes even if you hit the X button, you won’t jump. Or you will jump, but there will be a minor delay. And yes, a half-second delay is a big deal when you’re trying to double jump over an attack, but only jump once, and then get hit, and then you die and gotta start a boss fight all over again. This really shouldn’t be that much of a big deal, but when you throw in this little annoyance alongside the shitty camera controls? That makes a boss fight much more difficult than it really needs to be.
*sighs*
I don’t wanna talk about this game anymore. So I’m not gonna. Let’s just get to the conclusion. Fuck it.
No, don’t buy this game. Don’t even rent it. There’s no point. The worst rating you can give anything is a 1/10 or a 5/10. Yes, a 5/10 is arguably the worst rating you can give something. It’s right in the middle. That’s not where you wanna be, because that heavily implies you’re boring, forgettable, unoriginal, or all three. This game isn’t shitty enough to make fun of. It’s not entertainingly bad. It’s not great. It’s not good. It exists. This is the No Man’s Sky of the Ratchet & Clank series. There’s nothing this game has to offer that you can’t experience in other games that are more enjoyable.
You say I complain that this game is too short? Well, guess what? Star Fox 64, Star Fox: Assault, and even Star Fox Zero all have short campaigns that can be beaten in about five hours or less. And all three of these games have much better gameplay, replay value, and are much more entertaining.
You say I complain about the game’s shitty camera angles? Well, Sonic Adventure 2 and Orc Attack: Flatulent Rebellion have shitty camera angles. And both of those games are more manageable to control and more entertaining than this. Yes, people. A game about farting orcs is more entertaining.
You say I complain about the game’s absurdly difficult boss battles? Okay, fine. Here’s a lovely game on the GameCube called Viewtiful Joe. It’s very, very challenging from start to finish, and some of the bosses are extremely difficult to beat. But they are not frustrating; there’s a big difference between the two words. Frustrating is when something is difficult for all the wrong reasons. Challenging is when something is difficult because it was designed to be difficult. But it’s not unbeatable. Fighting Fire Leo and Hulk Davidson is challenging. Fighting Shao Kahn in the Mortal Kombat reboot is frustrating. You have to cheat. You can’t beat this motherfucker unless you cheat.
THAT’S NOT A GOOD FUCKING BOSS, NETHERREALM STUDIOS!
Even if you’ve never played Ratchet & Clank, I wouldn’t recommend this. Just go buy one of the other four games I’ve already reviewed. Even Ratchet: Deadlocked was much more fun than this! Repetitive, sure, but if you play that game on Exterminator difficult? It is very challenging and absolute loads of fun. Arguably one of the best experiences I’ve had replaying this series was from that game. Wanna experience a cool challenge? Play Ratchet: Deadlocked. Fight the Eviscerator using nothing but the Scorpion Flail. Crank the difficulty up to Exterminator.
You will not be disappointed.
Fun fact: while playing this game yesterday, I kept dying around the same area on the last level of the game. Eventually I paused it, somehow got tired, and passed out for over an hour. Then I woke up later and was like “Oh shit, I forgot. I’m still playing this damn game.” Clank himself nearly falls asleep during a cutscene in this game.
CLANK.
Make what you will of that.
I ended the series with A Crack in Time, and I don't plan on buying anymore R&C games from this point forward except for Into the Nexus. Maybe.
As for not playing All 4 One, do yourself a favor and don't. That "4" is because it can be played with up to for players in a co-op story mode. Don't want to play co-op story? Too bad, if you play single player, you are FORCED to play co-op style as Ratchet and Clank is the other player (CPU controlled if I remember right) Put plainly, it's not a R&C game. Even Size Matters got the basic R&C formula down.
Deadlocked is repetitive, but at the very least, the game's (optional) difficulty settings makes it challenging, and therefore entertaining to some degree. Plus I personally enjoy that game's soundtrack quite a bit. It's only two aspects, but those two aspects make the game slightly above average.