Thank you all for your kind words and support over the previous journal, with the loss of my horse. It really means a lot. It's been a tough few days, being so far from the fam taking care of my remaining gelding. I've been told that he's adjusting well, and they've bought some chickens so he doesn't have to be lonely in the paddock.

Some thoughts, I've been having. I had a soul-searching kind of day and this wall of text is the result of that.

I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm about to move into a great apartment in a great neighborhood with the world's best girlfriend. I graduated college. I have a career in art, and can make money doing what I love. It's an amazing thing to be able to say that.

On the other hand, it doesn't feel like enough, and things keep getting in the way. Bills add up. I was just informed today of a sizeable amount of medical debt that's approaching, leftover from my father's final stay in the hospital that the insurance apparently won't cover. it's a scary amount (fuck american health care).

Big decisions never stop having to be made. I'm left wondering if it's just bad luck or this is what Adult Life™ really is. I have no way of knowing for certain, I get conflicting answers from anyone I ask. Two sides of my family encouraging me to do things like "go back to school," "go to grad school," "get a lawyer for your inheritance," "sell your house," but pulling me in opposite directions when the decision's down to the wire. They know my history, they know what shit like that does to me. Or they just forget, which hurts me deeply because *i* certainly can't forget all the shit I've put up with, but it's the more likely option, that they don't try to manipulate me out of pure malice.

I've reached several decisions, they haven't made me happy but they were things that had to be done. I'm NOT going to grad school, fuck my CT fam. I'm selling my childhood home. I'm moving away from a city I love and putting a sizeable distance between my best friends from college and childhood. Distance in relationships has never been an issue for me, luckily.

Things I care about keep dying around me, and it's incredibly disheartening. Always just when I reach one of these decisions and feel good about myself for doing so. I know I have no control over the world and what happens in that regard, but it still the coincidence feels like it's punishment for something I'm doing. Stupid of me. I don't even believe in religion.

So much shit has gone wrong in the logistics of this move to our new place already. It's been a headache and a half and honestly moments free from that have been spent asleep or engaging in various forms of escapism.

There are certain things I AM to blame for, and I won't hear a word against because I know that these are definitely true. This is more of a confession log at this point.

I took on too much work at the beginning of the summer, not knowing how burnt out I was after thesis. I made you all wait too long for what you've paid for. I hurt my reputation. I let depression dictate my every waking moment this entire summer so far. That's not fair to me or all of you.

And to this end, I've had to confront some things about myself that haven't been pretty. Mistakes have certainly been made, and despite being an Olympic Champion in feeling guilt for pretty much every aspect of my existence, I've always been shit at actually owning up to shit that I've actually done wrong.

I used to be able to stream four days a week and have like, a super quick turnaround time before I went back to school, what the fuck happened? I feel as though all the shit i went through while I got my degree stripped me of a lot of agency and self-confidence that I had built up during the year I took off, and i've been struggling to get that back. Upset that it didn't magically return once the degree was in my hands.

Perfectionism has gone to the extreme end of the spectrum again, and needs to be reined back in to where it was. Quality work, without the anxiety of "oh god nothing is good enough." You and I don't have the fucking time in our lives to entertain that.

I can't write it all off as shitty home environment, though that was part of it (having two roommates in the process of a messy breakup can make things tense).

I need to buff up my portfolio so I can start looking for Actual Work In My Field. I need to set a schedule of work hours again. And stop feeling angry at myself for having to put my personal projects on hold until life calms down. It will calm down from this post-graduation chaos, right?

Please, take this as an apology, and an assurance that I'm trying to better myself through a ton of heavy, anxious shit. I couldn't have gotten this far without the support of all of you -- thank you for caring about me, as well as the sexy stuff I put out there ;)
i love you all.