Hey guys~

I feel like I'm overdue to talk about what happened in the past 6 months exactly and why was I on hiatus for so long.

As with many furry artists, it started with depression. General enxiety, self-hate, feeling down all the time. But i sucked it up; I did not want to be one of those artists who give in to depression. I went on and forced myself to keep going. For years.
Around my birthday last year it got to an all time low point. I was having nightmares every night and even awake, I couldn't sleep for long times, or when I did it was horrible. My anxiety was so high it was almost like a constant panic attack that just doesn't stop, constantly feeling my own heart beat and being paranoid of everything. I tried to ignore these feelings and keep working. But eventually, thoughts started to flood my mind and it became hard to focus on anything. At first it was just distracting, swear words or pictures I wish I had forgotten coming back to me. But with time they got worse, it was more and more personal. About my father, my friends I don't see anymore, my dead family members, and eventually the thought of suicide started to appear. and I want to be clear - it was not an intent, but a very alarming disruptive thought that just kept creeping back into my brain, not matter how hard I tried to concentrate on working instead. In fact, the more I pushed myself the worse it got.

And I didn't tell anyone, I kept silent because any time I thought about it I was instantly flooded with thoughts: "no, you do not deserve it, you brought this on yourself, don't drag others in". And looking back now, that was a horrible and irrational worry, and it kept me from getting better for much longer than it would have been neccessary.

It didn't matter if I worked 12 hours a day, I could barely get anything done. I found myself walking outside of my room and I didn't remember when I got up from my work, I was generally slow and did too many mistakes that needed constant fixing. I was unconfident in my art and in myself. I was even considering quitting art.

And my health started to further degrade. Edema, dizziness, I was getting scared something serious might happen.

So I thought I will take a few days off. Then the days became weeks, the weeks months. days or weeks skipped by and they were just a blur after, like if i just dozed off and didn't understand where time went.

It was difficult to get a hold of myself again.
I had to remember why I started art, what I want to do with my life and where I am heading. That is why I allowed myself to do so many personal works in March/April.

It took many attempts and many weeks, but I managed to fix my sleeping shcedule and start living like a human again. I took up some online art classes, and started to better scedule my time, and better diet, take more walks and take better care of myself.
For most of the time, I was lurking in a chat room full of other artists, taking feedback on my art and where to take it, that helped a lot with gaining back confidence in it.

And one important decision I made that helped me get through all this is that I have to stop pushing so hard all the time. Take time off regularly, get hobbies, start reading again, take the weekends off, and keep to it. I forbid myself to put 3 extra hours into a day just because I feel like I can. Because in the end, if I can keep my sanity and energy I can get much more work done in that less remaining time I spend on work.

The nightmares and the anxiety stopped early summer, but I was still very scared to come back and be around people again. What if like before I just fall back? How can I face my watchers?

I now have adjusted to my new schedule. I had but one anxiety attack in the entire last month and I could get commissions done again wtih a reasonable speed. And most importantly, the disruptive thoughts are gone. (Besides the one that's shouting I want cake, but he's been there in all my life anyway.)

And I started having a familiar feeling, one I once had in high school; a feeling of ambition and confidence. But this time it's not one of those fleeting whims I had before, where i felt inspired for a day or a week; made a journal and then burnt myself out in a few days again; it has been a constant, strong and deep feeling, one that didn't just die off on the first little obstacle.
I feel I found myself again, the person who keeps their promise and gets shit done, who had large dreams and worked for them with all his heart, and didnt screw around whining about waking up early or having to revise something, he just does it.

I resumed commission work earlier this month in full force. (I did work on the queue occasinally the whole time still, just not an incredibly lot. Meaning: I sometimes did some work guilt ridden that was so bad anyway I couldn't show it as progress.)

Now I will work 44 hours a week instead of 60+ I forced last year. I will also take Schoolism classes (the 15$/mo ones), learn 3D modelling and keep working out.

There was one more thing that Bobby Chiu said and stuck with me: start living like you succeeded.
I always said I will get back in shape or dress well when I finished this backlog. But I realized, dumping myself into depression and self-punishing to the point I feel inhuman isn't helping anyone. So I changed that mentality. Not from one day to the other, and it's still a work in progress, but getting there.

And that brings us to now.I finally started uploading again and being active. It feels really, really good to be back home! I missed you guys!


If you read all this wall of text, wow you are a good listener, thanks!

And thank you everyone else for still being around and putting up with me!

Lot's of art to be seen soon from Akitary!
And more collabs are on the way too!