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So what's been UP lately
8 years ago
It has been....a very long and interesting summer. Interesting being a polite term for "pretty damn awful."
Post-graduation depression hit me very hard, and any family I tried to talk to about it didn't seem to understand. I myself, didn't really understand why, after meeting my goal, I was having such a hard time doing well, *ANYTHING* right. I've been struggling with that since May. And I'll say straight up, I've been off my anti-depression meds since about the same time, so that hasn't helped.
The reason for this being that I don't currently have health insurance or the means to get to a doctor to get my prescription re-upped. And I wanted to wean myself off the stuff so I didn't stop cold-turkey. It's not particularly hard stuff that I'm on, but still. That was my logic.
It's amplified a lot of the demons, lemme tell you. You don't realize how much your medication is really helping you until you aren't on it anymore. All the bs: returning to Maine, working on selling my childhood home, dealing with the internal drama of the CT fam. And physical symptoms: fatigue, mood swings. Lots of unpredictable ups and downs that I almost forgot how to deal with.
Not being on my meds isn't an excuse for my actions and absence, just a reason. Focusing, Motivation, Discipline basically became 1000x harder. And I just felt...so guilty. All the time. About everything pretty much, chiefly radio silence here, worried i'd sabotaged myself and my skills and the relationships I'd made here. I'd be lying if I said I didn't contemplate self harm, but nothing came of it, thank goodness.
Just so disappointed in myself for all the setbacks to the work I had planned for the summer. Comics, regular streams, etc. And I just couldn't stop beating myself up. Bless my mate for helping me as much as she could, and always being a bright, pleasant light in my life.
I'd basically just acted so incredibly cruel to myself until...very recently. Stumbled across some sage wisdom, and I guess reached a point where enough was enough. https://sta.sh/017r5zgz5pkg "Ask the Judge for Mercy. Have Mercy on yourself." And that made me think a lot. And it's hard. But I'm trying. I have to if I want to feel better.
So now my queue is cleared, I'm working on a concept art job for an upcoming short film. I'm beefing up my demo reel. What I'm thinking is focusing on that for a bit, offering some YCH's maybe before opening back up in....around a month. Yes, let's say that.
Is there anything in particular you'd like to see from me?
Post-graduation depression hit me very hard, and any family I tried to talk to about it didn't seem to understand. I myself, didn't really understand why, after meeting my goal, I was having such a hard time doing well, *ANYTHING* right. I've been struggling with that since May. And I'll say straight up, I've been off my anti-depression meds since about the same time, so that hasn't helped.
The reason for this being that I don't currently have health insurance or the means to get to a doctor to get my prescription re-upped. And I wanted to wean myself off the stuff so I didn't stop cold-turkey. It's not particularly hard stuff that I'm on, but still. That was my logic.
It's amplified a lot of the demons, lemme tell you. You don't realize how much your medication is really helping you until you aren't on it anymore. All the bs: returning to Maine, working on selling my childhood home, dealing with the internal drama of the CT fam. And physical symptoms: fatigue, mood swings. Lots of unpredictable ups and downs that I almost forgot how to deal with.
Not being on my meds isn't an excuse for my actions and absence, just a reason. Focusing, Motivation, Discipline basically became 1000x harder. And I just felt...so guilty. All the time. About everything pretty much, chiefly radio silence here, worried i'd sabotaged myself and my skills and the relationships I'd made here. I'd be lying if I said I didn't contemplate self harm, but nothing came of it, thank goodness.
Just so disappointed in myself for all the setbacks to the work I had planned for the summer. Comics, regular streams, etc. And I just couldn't stop beating myself up. Bless my mate for helping me as much as she could, and always being a bright, pleasant light in my life.
I'd basically just acted so incredibly cruel to myself until...very recently. Stumbled across some sage wisdom, and I guess reached a point where enough was enough. https://sta.sh/017r5zgz5pkg "Ask the Judge for Mercy. Have Mercy on yourself." And that made me think a lot. And it's hard. But I'm trying. I have to if I want to feel better.
So now my queue is cleared, I'm working on a concept art job for an upcoming short film. I'm beefing up my demo reel. What I'm thinking is focusing on that for a bit, offering some YCH's maybe before opening back up in....around a month. Yes, let's say that.
Is there anything in particular you'd like to see from me?
As always, it's nice to see you about and posting again, was excited when I saw your recent post and went oh man i bet Anapnea would like that, then I saw it was by you hahah
I've made some purchases for my office: a scanner, a light table, and some of that excitement is coming back!
I think just posting to get some feelings out there really took some weight off my chest.
FaeSeiren is right, just focus on whats in front of you, one day, one step at a time. Glad to hear that your having progress on the art job front, I'd be curious to know (insofar as it is appropriate) what it is!
That sounds really rough, depression is no joke, I know how it can feel. I'm sorry to hear you're off your medication - I don't think I could cope without mine (and even with it, i've had a horribly rough few years trying to find the right kind and right dose).
I'm so glad you're OK and no harm came to you, those thoughts can be horrible too, let alone the stresses of life.
I know words don't always help very much, but my thoughts are with you and I believe in you; one small step at a time. The way I look at it, the only way is up!
Biggest problem with that is shotty transportation. I gotta see what hospitals I can get to with the bus system. But that's a problem for Future Max. Still takin' it day by day for the most part.
New short film, eh? Sounds interesting. I look forward to seeing it.
I was so nervous I thought I'd ruined everything here, but turns out that's just the ol' hind brain being a paranoid jerk. <3 <3
I'll be sure to link to the Facebook page for the film when it's a bit closer to done, or if my friend posts my work to it~
I too am always startled by the affect - even forgetting to take my medication does to me (if i forget over the course of a few days, etc). I'm sorry this happened but I'm glad you have Pidge to love and support you and that your getting through it!
Much love both your ways!
I should message you though, I commissioned a truly great piece for Danforth that I think you'd like to see, and I've started scripting a short 4 page comic about his encounter with the eldritch monster based off that piece~
And my vampire World of Darkness character went through a lot of development recently that I think you'd really like.
And music recs! I've got an excellent playlist going for him too. One of my best.
I keep seein you and/or bae on Overwatch! You should hit me up for games sometime!! I'll gladly drag the queue up for you ;D
I'm playing here and there but mostly been Coffee, I'm currently on it now just taking a breather to check my dusty FA haha
But anywho always feel free to message me anywhere really! here of FB c:
And never forget, there is no shame in crying when you need it.
But that's led me to find (to my surprise, I'll admit) a much better "family" in my mate and friends from both my upstate NY cities. Casting out a line has resulted in a dozen good people dragging me back to the surface. Building up the courage to seek help though, holy shit what a monumental effort.
Glad I did, though. Glad I did. I'm really taking your words to heart, because it's something I've been told before. That it's a pretty necessary part of becoming a professional to learn and make mistakes. And even though I've been doing the odd job here and there and been pretty successful, it's okay for it to be hard to bring my business and myself to the next step.
If it's hard to do something, it's because I've reached a growth edge and got to break on through to the other side. (the one good thing i took away from counciling back in Maine) It'll bring a new set of challenges, but the things I struggled with before will be easier. A bite at a time anyway.
I honestly haven't had a good cry in a while. Gotten close!! But boy is it hard. Maybe I'll make a point of it this week to put on Black Beauty or something and just sob it out.