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Im so sorry
8 years ago
“I used to think I was tough, but then I realized I wasn’t. I was fragile and I wore thick fucking armor. And I hurt people so they couldn’t hurt me. And I thought that was what being tough was, but it isn’t.”
James Frey.
I've felt for e very long time the need to make this journal but ive just been so caught up and i dont even know how to word this so here goes
I honesty stopped enjoying drawing for a really long time, im sure over the last couple of years you have noticed me be less and less active.
but i just havent felt like myself in years
That being said! this journal isnt a bad one, im not saying sorry because im leaving or quiting art, its the opposite! i am re-creating myself though my art and social media platforms!
I just wanted a chance to explain why ive been so distant and inactive the last few years... im working towards getting more active!
I wanted to tell you guys why i stopped drawing as much, i just feel like ive kept this to myself for so long and you guys deserve to know what made me disappear.
When I was 16 I really started to try to focus on my art and improve, but I ended up in an extremely abusive relationship with a 21 year old man, I stayed with him for a year and a half or so.
During that time he was both physically and mentally abusive towards me, he would hit me, spit on me, call me worthless. i was so trapped and unhealthy, not to mention i was very young at the time too.
During our relationship I didn't focus on my art at all and only did it out of necessity because if I didn't do commissions he would get super upset and occasionally violent.
When he got home from work he would look through my art websites to make sure i did commissions that day, if i didnt he would get extremely angry with me and sometimes it would escalate to physical violence.
This man was probably double my size, im a very petite gal and i was also a teenager at the time sooooo, ha man that was cool/////
I was diagnosed with manic depression / bipolar disorder which explained a lot of what I feel, I started taking medication for it and trying to get better, I left him a few months after my diagnosis.
He would hide my medication from me so I couldn't take it since he didn't want me to be dependent on medication, he didnt believe mental illnesses where legitimate enough to warrant taking pills so he would lock them up if he was mad at me.
He was an extreme manipulator, needed to be in control of everything... I couldnt talk to my friends or even be friendly to my customers since he would usually assume i was planning on fucking them or that they were planning on fucking me, so i was never allowed to really have friends without him being angry or jealous with them.
This relationship fucked me up, i havent been the same since, i dont know who i am man.
I have permanent damage in my jaw from him beating on me, i have an extremely hard time standing up for myself, my confidence isnt what it used to be...
I started dating Timmy when i was 18, we've had a bit of a rocky road but everything is going really well now!
We broke up for a bit over the summer and being alone helped me get in touch with myself, i learned a lot and grew a lot!
When i started figuring myself out and feeling better i started seeing timmy again, we have talked about so many things, worked out so many issues! for the first time in a long time i am genuinely happy! Which is crazy considering in unemployed and broke as shit but hopefully once i get some more commissions that stress should be lessened!
I am so lucky to have the support of the people around me, i hope i can keep improving on myself and my art!
I know this jounral is long and ugly, but i hope i can win back the respect of the people who followed me for my art and have gotten barely anything in the last few years.
i am deeply sorry
I honesty stopped enjoying drawing for a really long time, im sure over the last couple of years you have noticed me be less and less active.
but i just havent felt like myself in years
That being said! this journal isnt a bad one, im not saying sorry because im leaving or quiting art, its the opposite! i am re-creating myself though my art and social media platforms!
I just wanted a chance to explain why ive been so distant and inactive the last few years... im working towards getting more active!
I wanted to tell you guys why i stopped drawing as much, i just feel like ive kept this to myself for so long and you guys deserve to know what made me disappear.
When I was 16 I really started to try to focus on my art and improve, but I ended up in an extremely abusive relationship with a 21 year old man, I stayed with him for a year and a half or so.
During that time he was both physically and mentally abusive towards me, he would hit me, spit on me, call me worthless. i was so trapped and unhealthy, not to mention i was very young at the time too.
During our relationship I didn't focus on my art at all and only did it out of necessity because if I didn't do commissions he would get super upset and occasionally violent.
When he got home from work he would look through my art websites to make sure i did commissions that day, if i didnt he would get extremely angry with me and sometimes it would escalate to physical violence.
This man was probably double my size, im a very petite gal and i was also a teenager at the time sooooo, ha man that was cool/////
I was diagnosed with manic depression / bipolar disorder which explained a lot of what I feel, I started taking medication for it and trying to get better, I left him a few months after my diagnosis.
He would hide my medication from me so I couldn't take it since he didn't want me to be dependent on medication, he didnt believe mental illnesses where legitimate enough to warrant taking pills so he would lock them up if he was mad at me.
He was an extreme manipulator, needed to be in control of everything... I couldnt talk to my friends or even be friendly to my customers since he would usually assume i was planning on fucking them or that they were planning on fucking me, so i was never allowed to really have friends without him being angry or jealous with them.
This relationship fucked me up, i havent been the same since, i dont know who i am man.
I have permanent damage in my jaw from him beating on me, i have an extremely hard time standing up for myself, my confidence isnt what it used to be...
I started dating Timmy when i was 18, we've had a bit of a rocky road but everything is going really well now!
We broke up for a bit over the summer and being alone helped me get in touch with myself, i learned a lot and grew a lot!
When i started figuring myself out and feeling better i started seeing timmy again, we have talked about so many things, worked out so many issues! for the first time in a long time i am genuinely happy! Which is crazy considering in unemployed and broke as shit but hopefully once i get some more commissions that stress should be lessened!
I am so lucky to have the support of the people around me, i hope i can keep improving on myself and my art!
I know this jounral is long and ugly, but i hope i can win back the respect of the people who followed me for my art and have gotten barely anything in the last few years.
i am deeply sorry
And making cohesive sentences.
But I wanted to say that I’ve been in a similar situation before,
And I’ve felt some of that pain.
And if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. ❤️