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Lost a Friend
8 years ago
General
So I don't use this much and I know a ton of people don't look at it. That's okay. It benefits me that most people don't know me here. Really does. So apologies in advance for the sad thoughts.
On Saturday, I was out at a LARP (nerd) with some friends. It was the big end of the campaign event with 60+ people involved and an epic story with such a finisher that I actually tried to skip but people paid for me to be there just so I wouldn't miss out. With us was our friend who's name will be withheld and called K.
K was older than me by about 13 years. He lived a fast paced life earlyon and didn't have much luck but damn his outlook, energy, and passion. When first met, he was kind of standard 'manly man conservative' didn't care for the gays, making gay jokes and dissing trans and the usual. But what struck me was that he changed. He was approached by a few of us as LGBTQ ourselves and instead of being angry dismissive or a dick? He made every effort to change. He was the only man I have ever seen change in such a grand way who wasn't young.
He joined an organization and my house therin as a primary founder, moreso than I. I'm busy working 7 days a week busting my ass to get a minute of peace and then I have no money to show for it as a typical millenial aught to. But I was here and there making efforts where I could. But he was always present. Whenever a friend was doing something he'd find a way to be a part of it. He took his time to help my other friends out of bad places when he, himself, was not in an ideal situation. What a guy, huh?
On Saturday, we were all LARPing. He came as an NPC to help end the game right fighting and having fun, always going out and above and beyond. He was smiling and happy. Halfway through the fight I can't remember seeing him again. I can't remember him every leaving early due to fatigue, always pushing beyond. He left with another friend (closer) and we found at 9pm, he had died.
No signs. No power to stop it. He died. His heart gave out somehow and he just stopped being.
This is so painful to me and it shouldn't be. I've known him as a community member for 10 years. He was fun to be around and went above an beyond. He loved me and being around me as a friend who you could count on. But I never thought of him much beyond. I wasn't hugely talkative or outreaching. There are so many more people who knew him more than me outside of the games and parties.
But now I feel such sadness that I'm trying to ignore for betterment of others. I'm trying to help others and keep myself on track with my new job. Even though I can't say I'm closer than anyone to him, hell I may be one of the further relationship points, I keep getting sudden pangs of sadness and extreme overpowering emotion that takes every ounce of effort to recallibrate to my norm.
I never cry over the dead. They're gone. Those that remain deserve our time and love and care. Don't mourn the dead but mourn the living for they are in pain. Why, then, do I feel like this? It doesn't make sense and all I want to do is be weak and cry and weep and snotty and lay down in my blanket held by anyone.
But I don't. I carry on. I have a new job I need to learn and make perfect.
May the spirits on our Earth take K into the world and embrace him. May they provide his life to another and may they grant all of us strength and courage going on. I plead the Spirits take his enthusiasm, his energy, and his openness to learn from something he didn't know, to correct his wrongs into the world and let others follow his image.
This weekend is his main LARP. I work there. I'll put on my smile and his favorite character I made and his best memory of me as I remember him. I'll be the pillar of joy and stability for the community for now. And when I am able, I will weep. I will cry. I will lay down.
Thank you for reading if you did. I understand I don't post much, I don't engage the communities. But as the world turns, turn to each other and express your love. Smile and live in your own passed memories that those who are gone will be remembered and honored.
~z
On Saturday, I was out at a LARP (nerd) with some friends. It was the big end of the campaign event with 60+ people involved and an epic story with such a finisher that I actually tried to skip but people paid for me to be there just so I wouldn't miss out. With us was our friend who's name will be withheld and called K.
K was older than me by about 13 years. He lived a fast paced life earlyon and didn't have much luck but damn his outlook, energy, and passion. When first met, he was kind of standard 'manly man conservative' didn't care for the gays, making gay jokes and dissing trans and the usual. But what struck me was that he changed. He was approached by a few of us as LGBTQ ourselves and instead of being angry dismissive or a dick? He made every effort to change. He was the only man I have ever seen change in such a grand way who wasn't young.
He joined an organization and my house therin as a primary founder, moreso than I. I'm busy working 7 days a week busting my ass to get a minute of peace and then I have no money to show for it as a typical millenial aught to. But I was here and there making efforts where I could. But he was always present. Whenever a friend was doing something he'd find a way to be a part of it. He took his time to help my other friends out of bad places when he, himself, was not in an ideal situation. What a guy, huh?
On Saturday, we were all LARPing. He came as an NPC to help end the game right fighting and having fun, always going out and above and beyond. He was smiling and happy. Halfway through the fight I can't remember seeing him again. I can't remember him every leaving early due to fatigue, always pushing beyond. He left with another friend (closer) and we found at 9pm, he had died.
No signs. No power to stop it. He died. His heart gave out somehow and he just stopped being.
This is so painful to me and it shouldn't be. I've known him as a community member for 10 years. He was fun to be around and went above an beyond. He loved me and being around me as a friend who you could count on. But I never thought of him much beyond. I wasn't hugely talkative or outreaching. There are so many more people who knew him more than me outside of the games and parties.
But now I feel such sadness that I'm trying to ignore for betterment of others. I'm trying to help others and keep myself on track with my new job. Even though I can't say I'm closer than anyone to him, hell I may be one of the further relationship points, I keep getting sudden pangs of sadness and extreme overpowering emotion that takes every ounce of effort to recallibrate to my norm.
I never cry over the dead. They're gone. Those that remain deserve our time and love and care. Don't mourn the dead but mourn the living for they are in pain. Why, then, do I feel like this? It doesn't make sense and all I want to do is be weak and cry and weep and snotty and lay down in my blanket held by anyone.
But I don't. I carry on. I have a new job I need to learn and make perfect.
May the spirits on our Earth take K into the world and embrace him. May they provide his life to another and may they grant all of us strength and courage going on. I plead the Spirits take his enthusiasm, his energy, and his openness to learn from something he didn't know, to correct his wrongs into the world and let others follow his image.
This weekend is his main LARP. I work there. I'll put on my smile and his favorite character I made and his best memory of me as I remember him. I'll be the pillar of joy and stability for the community for now. And when I am able, I will weep. I will cry. I will lay down.
Thank you for reading if you did. I understand I don't post much, I don't engage the communities. But as the world turns, turn to each other and express your love. Smile and live in your own passed memories that those who are gone will be remembered and honored.
~z
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmqdXG_Fv-c