So, I'm fat. Like seriously, I'm overweight, big ol' chunky boy with a love of sweets and carbs. I'm pretty okay with my body too. Maybe it's not the greatest, it's never going to be the favorite of everyone, but plenty of people seem to find me pretty okay to look at.

My problem? I hurt. Every single day, almost constantly, *something* is hurting in or on my body and that is not the most sustainable sort of life, my friends. So yeah, I'm okay with my body, I don't care that I'm fat, but something's got to change in my lifestyle so that I can maybe feel a little bit better.

Part of it is natural health issues. I've always been a pretty sickly kid, I've had asthma since birth, I have a host of other health issues that aren't because of my weight. They just *exist*. Part of it is also that I'm older. I just turned 33 in December and maybe that's not super old, but it's old enough that my body is starting to be all "haha, fuck you."

And part of it is simple bad lifestyle choices. I've been trying to make better ones for the past couple of years. I've cut out soda entirely from my diet (and let me tell you, that was fucking hard), I've been trying to moderate my portion sizes when I eat. Small things, sure, but attainable things.

Today, I started exercising again. When I was a teenager, I used to do yoga every single day for over an hour. It was amazing, I was flexible and it gave me so much energy throughout the day. I ended up stopping due to time constraints and the exhaustion that comes with clinical depression. Every so often, I'd try starting again, but then I'd get sick, have to stop a few days and just not get back into it. I was too tired, I was this, I was that. Lots of excuses. And they were excuses, because exercising is hard and I didn't want to feel so tired or ache.

But man...something's really got to change for me. I need to work on myself. I've already started working on some of the worse health issues (got to love actually having some insurance) so now I need to work on the things I can do myself. I might fail sometimes. I might start and stop and whine and give up only to start again. But, y'know, trying to change a lifestyle isn't easy and it isn't linear. Small choices, small changes. They do add up after a while! I've also been cutting caffeine out of my diet, slowly but surely. That one is definitely harder, but...it's not as hard as it was to cut soda. Maybe because I'd already cut soda out of my diet it was easier to ease back.

I need to learn to be gentle with myself. Sure, I need to motivate myself and keep making those small changes, but I need to not tear myself apart when I do fall back or relapse. Some might think being cruel would be extra motivation, but it really isn't. All it does is make me more likely to not actually make those changes! I think to myself, I'm so stupid and ugly and fat anyway, why bother trying to change. Why bother trying to be healthy? I'm too old, I'm too fat, I'm too ill, I'm too whatever. So why bother. But man, that's no good.

So hey, if you're trying to make some changes too, be gentle with yourself. Yes, you'll make mistakes and maybe not do what you feel like is your best, but that's okay. You'll do better on another day. Just try to keep going!