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Fear really is the mind killer...
7 years ago
I have very specific ideas about what to do when I'm mad at something/someone. Should I ever play getting over it and actually win, there'll be something I won't hesitate to demand of Mr. Foddy. ^^ There's a troll I ran afoul of recently who, since he didn't take the warning to piss off and kept antagonizing me and the people I'm friends with, I'm going to metaphorically crucify the fucker soon...
And then there's Ethan/h3h3. Now I'm not a fan, but I wish no permanent ill on the guy! I don't watch many of his videos but he seems okay, I'm glad he won his court case against that moron a while back, and if you're a fan good on you! But right now, I want to tie h3h3 to a chair and beat his face a few times with a wet fish. I do not know why my mind put those particular elements together, but for the past few days that's all that's been in my head whenever I think of the guy and him using the term "Uploadphobia" in an interview.
Is it a common term? No, he's pretty much the only person I know who's used it, but in one clean swoop he gave a face and a name to my demon. It's real. It was petty, it was irrational, and I had it. Bad. >////<
It was this absolutely mind-numbing fear where every time I went to upload something, shutdown. I mean I know I have really bad anti-social periods of time, that certainly didn't help things, but anytime I actually sat down to put stuff up, here's an example of what went through my head...
"Should I upload this? Is it done? Is it safe enough to put up on deviantart? Will I get trolled? Does it even make sense? Should I break it up or upload big? Do you think the commissioner will be happy with it? This one was a commission I got, that's even harder, should I upload it? Would the artist be okay? Would the artist get mad at me cause I didn't have permission? Is he okay with me putting it up on sites like Deviantart? Will the artist not like the descriptions I give it? Oh shit I waited and now I have a lot of art, should I flood? No flooding's bad, but wait, this artist just flooded and it was awesome, maybe it ain't so bad after all? Or maybe it is and I'm overreacting again? Should I let them know in a journal to expect it? Should I keep it simple or explain in detail? No I don't want to bother them with a journal about something so mundane. Shit I have a lot I need to upload it's so old, should I only upload from a specific point..."
Go away, have a drink, cool off, come back, rinse and repeat. You know how I know it was irrational? Cause the moment I did actually start posting, absolutely all of that washed away in an instant. And I felt like such a fucking klutz for giving into the nerves, and I'm so sorry for it and thankful you guys didn't rip me to shreds, even though I probably deserve it.
What I uploaded the last few days was about four months worth of stuff, mine and the awesome commissions I've gotten from others, and I hope I never have to flood a site with that much at once again. I held 1 or 2 things back deliberately cause I'm just not ready to show yet, and I only posted what I know for sure I had permission to. So if I missed anything from anyone but you were okay with me re uploading, please let me know and I'll fix that pronto. Same goes for vice versa, if I did accidentally upload something I shouldn't have, just say the word and I'll take it down.
From here on, I'll do my best to kick the nerves and keep up with what I get or create. Thank you all for understanding, and thank you all for putting up with me and my illogical crap. ^^
And then there's Ethan/h3h3. Now I'm not a fan, but I wish no permanent ill on the guy! I don't watch many of his videos but he seems okay, I'm glad he won his court case against that moron a while back, and if you're a fan good on you! But right now, I want to tie h3h3 to a chair and beat his face a few times with a wet fish. I do not know why my mind put those particular elements together, but for the past few days that's all that's been in my head whenever I think of the guy and him using the term "Uploadphobia" in an interview.
Is it a common term? No, he's pretty much the only person I know who's used it, but in one clean swoop he gave a face and a name to my demon. It's real. It was petty, it was irrational, and I had it. Bad. >////<
It was this absolutely mind-numbing fear where every time I went to upload something, shutdown. I mean I know I have really bad anti-social periods of time, that certainly didn't help things, but anytime I actually sat down to put stuff up, here's an example of what went through my head...
"Should I upload this? Is it done? Is it safe enough to put up on deviantart? Will I get trolled? Does it even make sense? Should I break it up or upload big? Do you think the commissioner will be happy with it? This one was a commission I got, that's even harder, should I upload it? Would the artist be okay? Would the artist get mad at me cause I didn't have permission? Is he okay with me putting it up on sites like Deviantart? Will the artist not like the descriptions I give it? Oh shit I waited and now I have a lot of art, should I flood? No flooding's bad, but wait, this artist just flooded and it was awesome, maybe it ain't so bad after all? Or maybe it is and I'm overreacting again? Should I let them know in a journal to expect it? Should I keep it simple or explain in detail? No I don't want to bother them with a journal about something so mundane. Shit I have a lot I need to upload it's so old, should I only upload from a specific point..."
Go away, have a drink, cool off, come back, rinse and repeat. You know how I know it was irrational? Cause the moment I did actually start posting, absolutely all of that washed away in an instant. And I felt like such a fucking klutz for giving into the nerves, and I'm so sorry for it and thankful you guys didn't rip me to shreds, even though I probably deserve it.
What I uploaded the last few days was about four months worth of stuff, mine and the awesome commissions I've gotten from others, and I hope I never have to flood a site with that much at once again. I held 1 or 2 things back deliberately cause I'm just not ready to show yet, and I only posted what I know for sure I had permission to. So if I missed anything from anyone but you were okay with me re uploading, please let me know and I'll fix that pronto. Same goes for vice versa, if I did accidentally upload something I shouldn't have, just say the word and I'll take it down.
From here on, I'll do my best to kick the nerves and keep up with what I get or create. Thank you all for understanding, and thank you all for putting up with me and my illogical crap. ^^
Also, you believe in you, Nick! <3
Also I do believe in me! I think I just believe in all of you more!
Do you know the body posture trick? It's not just that your feelings (like anxiety) are manifest in your body language, but there's a feedback loop as well. Consciously taking a confident posture can trick your body into feeling confident. Stand up. Reach your arms over your head. Make yourself big. Growl. (Yes really).
For what it's worth I don't mind floods. I wonder also if you can set yourself a schedule to post, so there's a time everyday where you just upload whatever is in the queue. It's not a choice, but just a chore.
At the end of the day you need to find your satisfaction and confidence from within yourself. You're a great artist, with a creative imagination, a niche that you enjoy and people love, and (gosh durn it) people like you!Keep it up!
I know the body language thing alright. I tried to counter it a few times with that but it didn't have a lasting effect, sadly. As for schedules, I'm terrible at them sadly, you can ask anyone, I almost never make deadlines. Not without triple the stress anyway.
Thanks for the advice though. For now I'll just try to take things as they come and not let things sit for months like a hoarding dragon. ^w^
Well I've been called persuasive~
But this smol bun is usually more yandere than yelling. ^_^;;
Um... the thing about schedules and having set times and blocked times is that they're very different than deadlines. It's time set aside, and it's regular, so you miss one there's no stress. Also cause it's time set aside, you might as well do the thing, cause... you got nothing else to do at that time it says so right there! Is not for everyone, but I've seen it help lots of folks lots...
Anyhoo~ wishing yoo the best! *hugs*
And spend more time being with the people you want to be with. If you're streaming and some asshat starts up, just ban them. No one needs drama when on the Internet, especially if you're online to have fun.
I'm really glad you posted this, Scarf-kitty. I'm going to remember this advice next time I'm stressing over whether or not to just go ahead and upload.^w^
Sorry to hear you're dealing with a troll, btw. I can't presume to tell you what course of action is best for dealing with an A-hole in your life, since you know your business better than anyone. Just be careful not to get consumed and drawn-in to doing something you regret. That's exactly what those jerks want. *hugs* Lots of luck and temperance to you!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFnFr-DOPf8