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Sorry
7 years ago
Sorry that I've not been around. I've literally had a few things go on.
I need to get this out there more for me then anything.
I'm not looking for anything then to explain my side.
August I watched one of my friends slowly die of cancer. He meant a lot to me. I told people that this was happening.
And I stood back in a lot of things but stilled helped people when I could. But then he died September 2nd 2017.
I was told his funeral and stuff was on this day only to find out it wasn't on that day but had already happened.
So that killed me because I felt like I'd failed in being a good friend.
His wife followed two weeks later. And I was also friends with her, and they meant a lot to me.
I wasn't told where her funeral or anything was going to be. So I couldn't say good byes or make my peace.
My grandma followed about 10 days later.
don died sept 2nd
trish sept 25thish
grandma oct 15th.
I had friends everywhere who always said if i needed them to go to them. Some i went too, and they didnt care. Others i went to and i got told off because i dont know how to ask for help. And a few i literally ruined cause my emotions got the better of me and i snapped because i couldn't take it.
Others literally just stopped talking to me even when i tried to apologize.
I had 2 friends on fb check in on me a lot.
and then i had 4-6 on my discord making sure i was alright through this process as they'd never seen me so bad off before.
and a spattering on other platforms and they were usually people that understood a few things as they had similar things or mutually knew what i was going through on some degree.
I admit there were times i vented on my discord as its mostly filled with friends i game with more than anything related to streaming and so on.
I vented about a few peoples actions because i got so upset and in a manic episode i needed to vent.
When i did so i didnt name names, i was referring to 5 people. it may seemed like a few but when you're going through that stuff there will always be multiple people who do the same thing. And the people i was venting too who were in chat were talking to me while i typed.
I literally wanted to hurt not only myself but everything around me. And my therapist in the past always told me to talk to someone and yeah it wasn't in a private message.
But i couldn't think straight i wanted to hurt myself, my cat, my home.
I suffer from borderline personality disorder. One of those things that has the worst name that has nothing to do with what it is.
Here are some fo the diagnostic criteria of what i have to help you understand what it is that i have.
And i got it from the https://www.borderlinepersonalitydi.....m/what-is-bpd/
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury <-- in this case i dont eat much.
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
I deal with most of these as I do have this disorder. At the time I didn't even have a therapist and was trying to get one since july of 2017. I got one in january of 2018. That's how long the process took.
But back to what i was saying. I literally was saying that i was in a state of mind that i just couldn't distract myself like i had done up until then. i wanted to hurt myself. i dont try and get into those mind frames a lot cause i distract myself so well.
I fake it till i make it a lot. slap on that happy smile and walk on like nothing is wrong. But when you feel like you want to hurt everyone and everything in your own home it scared me. I vented and i fucking vented. but i never named names. the people i vented too didnt know anyone i was talking about. only people who knew what was going on was the ones that had gotten me into that state of mind who happened to be there at the time watching me typing. I left a community because i was ashamed of myself for blowing up in a time of weakness and need. I felt ashamed that i had put a lot of time into some people and they showed me their true colours.
I needed help and when i tried it came out badly. not for just me but for many people.
to some of the people i apologized and others i couldn't cause they made it hard. I lost some friends i had for many years because it felt like every time i was talking to them i was apologizing and for someone with my mental health issue on top of depression and anxiety it just wasn't something i could deal with as id beat myself over and over over something i tried to fix and it left me feeling like they didnt care.
I felt like i was on the wall of shame group chat for something i couldn't really control as i was hurting and in this constant cycle of never ending pain and no one to talk about it without being judged and then finally when i couldn't take it i blew up and it blew up in my face.
I am only just getting over some of the hurt that i received from my friends in different communities that I've known for a long time. not only did i lose 3 people that meant a lot to me. I lost at least 10 good people.
so lucky number 13.
I only started talking about it now because i was still too emotional to put it into words. I feel bad for what i did. but at the same time i didn't have anyone to talk to about anything really. after the blow up where i vented instead of hurting my self or anyone i just dove into games deep and hard and faked being happy. I realize that now i was in a lot of one sided friendships and that hurts.
But what can you do? I know some of you are going to tell me i'm crazy or that i'm a bad person. But i needed to get this off my chest as i needed to do this for myself.
i dont care about being on the wall of shame which was a thing in some communities i was in. I dont care what people think of me in those communities any more. I'm going to be trying to constantly better myself while surrounding myself with better people.
I shouldn't be guilted into feeling like i have to apologize every time i talk to someone. I shouldn't feel like if i finally ask for help to those who said i could go to them for anything like i'll be thrown to the curb.
I only ever wanted understanding and equality in a friendship. I may not ask for help sometimes and when i do i know it can be overwhelming but please tell me so i can slow it down. but if i come to you it is a sign i find you able to go through my barriers and are a trusted person.
This was long overdue and needed to be said for me.
I lost 3 people. And my family wasn't being kosher to myself my sister or my mom when grandma died so there was the added drama of that as well.
it hasn't been the best of times for me mentally and i know that and i'm trying to fix it.
and thats why i'm happy to finally have a therapist, that i'm finally getting into a dialectical behavior class again to help manage my bpd again.
With having bpd its an on going thing. there isn't a fix all pill. No its constant hard work and constant self analyzing myself to better myself.
so i hope this makes a little sense to those who saw me just poof from everything. or get kicked from game groups.
Or on the wall o shame.
or when i asked to for you to look for something for me.
And thank you to those who did what they could to make sure i was alright.
I hate feeling like i'm constantly abandoned when ive lost someone.
And i realized this to be a thing because i lost my friends mom who meant a lot to me and that i started to feel abandoned because she left this plane.
it made me understand a lot. and i get to talk with my therapist tomorrow about it.
So i am sorry for the drama you had to see if you were indirectly involved by parties who knew me.
I'm sorry for the few blow ups i had due to this. and i'm sorry.
I hope you can understand and let me move on with a lighter heart.
just.. please i dont need any more things coming from this situation. I needed to do this for me. I'm not attacking or anything just explaining myself.
I need to get this out there more for me then anything.
I'm not looking for anything then to explain my side.
August I watched one of my friends slowly die of cancer. He meant a lot to me. I told people that this was happening.
And I stood back in a lot of things but stilled helped people when I could. But then he died September 2nd 2017.
I was told his funeral and stuff was on this day only to find out it wasn't on that day but had already happened.
So that killed me because I felt like I'd failed in being a good friend.
His wife followed two weeks later. And I was also friends with her, and they meant a lot to me.
I wasn't told where her funeral or anything was going to be. So I couldn't say good byes or make my peace.
My grandma followed about 10 days later.
don died sept 2nd
trish sept 25thish
grandma oct 15th.
I had friends everywhere who always said if i needed them to go to them. Some i went too, and they didnt care. Others i went to and i got told off because i dont know how to ask for help. And a few i literally ruined cause my emotions got the better of me and i snapped because i couldn't take it.
Others literally just stopped talking to me even when i tried to apologize.
I had 2 friends on fb check in on me a lot.
and then i had 4-6 on my discord making sure i was alright through this process as they'd never seen me so bad off before.
and a spattering on other platforms and they were usually people that understood a few things as they had similar things or mutually knew what i was going through on some degree.
I admit there were times i vented on my discord as its mostly filled with friends i game with more than anything related to streaming and so on.
I vented about a few peoples actions because i got so upset and in a manic episode i needed to vent.
When i did so i didnt name names, i was referring to 5 people. it may seemed like a few but when you're going through that stuff there will always be multiple people who do the same thing. And the people i was venting too who were in chat were talking to me while i typed.
I literally wanted to hurt not only myself but everything around me. And my therapist in the past always told me to talk to someone and yeah it wasn't in a private message.
But i couldn't think straight i wanted to hurt myself, my cat, my home.
I suffer from borderline personality disorder. One of those things that has the worst name that has nothing to do with what it is.
Here are some fo the diagnostic criteria of what i have to help you understand what it is that i have.
And i got it from the https://www.borderlinepersonalitydi.....m/what-is-bpd/
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury <-- in this case i dont eat much.
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
I deal with most of these as I do have this disorder. At the time I didn't even have a therapist and was trying to get one since july of 2017. I got one in january of 2018. That's how long the process took.
But back to what i was saying. I literally was saying that i was in a state of mind that i just couldn't distract myself like i had done up until then. i wanted to hurt myself. i dont try and get into those mind frames a lot cause i distract myself so well.
I fake it till i make it a lot. slap on that happy smile and walk on like nothing is wrong. But when you feel like you want to hurt everyone and everything in your own home it scared me. I vented and i fucking vented. but i never named names. the people i vented too didnt know anyone i was talking about. only people who knew what was going on was the ones that had gotten me into that state of mind who happened to be there at the time watching me typing. I left a community because i was ashamed of myself for blowing up in a time of weakness and need. I felt ashamed that i had put a lot of time into some people and they showed me their true colours.
I needed help and when i tried it came out badly. not for just me but for many people.
to some of the people i apologized and others i couldn't cause they made it hard. I lost some friends i had for many years because it felt like every time i was talking to them i was apologizing and for someone with my mental health issue on top of depression and anxiety it just wasn't something i could deal with as id beat myself over and over over something i tried to fix and it left me feeling like they didnt care.
I felt like i was on the wall of shame group chat for something i couldn't really control as i was hurting and in this constant cycle of never ending pain and no one to talk about it without being judged and then finally when i couldn't take it i blew up and it blew up in my face.
I am only just getting over some of the hurt that i received from my friends in different communities that I've known for a long time. not only did i lose 3 people that meant a lot to me. I lost at least 10 good people.
so lucky number 13.
I only started talking about it now because i was still too emotional to put it into words. I feel bad for what i did. but at the same time i didn't have anyone to talk to about anything really. after the blow up where i vented instead of hurting my self or anyone i just dove into games deep and hard and faked being happy. I realize that now i was in a lot of one sided friendships and that hurts.
But what can you do? I know some of you are going to tell me i'm crazy or that i'm a bad person. But i needed to get this off my chest as i needed to do this for myself.
i dont care about being on the wall of shame which was a thing in some communities i was in. I dont care what people think of me in those communities any more. I'm going to be trying to constantly better myself while surrounding myself with better people.
I shouldn't be guilted into feeling like i have to apologize every time i talk to someone. I shouldn't feel like if i finally ask for help to those who said i could go to them for anything like i'll be thrown to the curb.
I only ever wanted understanding and equality in a friendship. I may not ask for help sometimes and when i do i know it can be overwhelming but please tell me so i can slow it down. but if i come to you it is a sign i find you able to go through my barriers and are a trusted person.
This was long overdue and needed to be said for me.
I lost 3 people. And my family wasn't being kosher to myself my sister or my mom when grandma died so there was the added drama of that as well.
it hasn't been the best of times for me mentally and i know that and i'm trying to fix it.
and thats why i'm happy to finally have a therapist, that i'm finally getting into a dialectical behavior class again to help manage my bpd again.
With having bpd its an on going thing. there isn't a fix all pill. No its constant hard work and constant self analyzing myself to better myself.
so i hope this makes a little sense to those who saw me just poof from everything. or get kicked from game groups.
Or on the wall o shame.
or when i asked to for you to look for something for me.
And thank you to those who did what they could to make sure i was alright.
I hate feeling like i'm constantly abandoned when ive lost someone.
And i realized this to be a thing because i lost my friends mom who meant a lot to me and that i started to feel abandoned because she left this plane.
it made me understand a lot. and i get to talk with my therapist tomorrow about it.
So i am sorry for the drama you had to see if you were indirectly involved by parties who knew me.
I'm sorry for the few blow ups i had due to this. and i'm sorry.
I hope you can understand and let me move on with a lighter heart.
just.. please i dont need any more things coming from this situation. I needed to do this for me. I'm not attacking or anything just explaining myself.
