I am so glad you are alive.

We're glad to have you!

Hey, I'm glad you're alive and chosen to continue to be. I get how bad depression can be, I've been there and still fall back down there from time to time, it makes you feel worthless and like no one cares even though in reality they do. You have a lot of people that care about you in you life both online and off judging from your last journal and the mention of your family in this one.

That being said though, it's NOT okay to pull this kind of stuff on people. I don't really know if it was intentional or not, and I'm not going to be the one to judge on the sincerity of something I have no authority judging, but regardless I hope you see how absolutely horrible and manipulative journals like that (and this to an extent) are. Essentially you're telling your audience, friends, and anyone else who happens to come across it that "I guess you don't care about me/if anything happens to me you're at fault for it for not giving me attention" Whatever the intent was, you're putting excessive stress, pressure, and anxiety on them for something that is ultimately no one's responsibility but yours and that's extremely cruel.

Imagine if one of your internet friends did what you did. Imagine how anxious and scared you'd be if you couldn't get a hold of them and imagine waiting 12-24 hours before you hear anything from them again. I'm sure I must sound extremely rude and bitchy, I don't want to be that person, but stuff like this is downright shitty any way you want to look at it.


Take what you will from this but I'm only being blunt to help you. I believe all life is precious and I want you to be happy. But you're an adult and you need to act like one. If you need help, if you truly feel like nothing matters and you want to end it, get help. Call a suicide hotline, call a friend, draw vent art, heck make a journal about how you're feeling bad and just need someone to stay and talk to you while you process your emotions. But something like this is going to hurt more than it helps for both you and anyone else who participates.

I'm already all but totally numbed from going through this with my mom just before the con and only being able to finally speak with her Sunday night while still there. Mind fuck to say the least. So much good around while so much bad going on and it mixing altogether. Shits exhausting.

I'm not gonna lecture you with all this "oh you're a selfish person bla bla bla" crap that too many like to throw out there. When those horrid darkest points make their final move, all that which we normally care for and we know cares for us, ceases to be able to help for a moment, and it's THAT moment that is the hardest to fight and hardest to hear or see any good from, as it completely shrouds you and your very mind and being. Looking outward in, its soo fucking easy to say "you just gotta pull yourself up from your bootstraps" and all that crap, but people seem to forget how close to the edge one is by that point and how easy it is to just tip over it if something or some things doesn't change. And that's after exhausting a multitude of possible help. THe fucking hotlines, dragging friends into it and having em stick around or just talk with you, calling 911 and or staying in a crises center for a few days, being medicated out the ass. Yea, well until they find that magical fix for turning the suicide switch completely off, there's only so much that can be done some times, and some people just can't accept that or get it through their head.

Course I emphasize all too well, the shit runs deep in my family, and I've battled with it for the past 20 years. Ultimately it's indeed up to the person having to deal with it. Funny people say that but then not seemingly realize part of that might very well be the unpleasant result of them doing what you're hoping they don't. I don't want people to do it but I fucking understand 100% why. Some more than others. Mom's been doing everything right, everything you're suppose to do in this world, but can't seem to catch a break. She's in her late 50s, has great ability in her career type but they're all outsourcing or only hiring young bitches.

She lives in Socal where it's so astronomically expensive to live, not to mention she's got a useless son (my half brother) who's 18 has 2 kids now and doesn't do shit except whine and play video games, and an aging ill mother who really does need to be in a home cause caring for her has been killing my mom for years anyway, and the remaining family out there seems too content with passing her off onto mom. The being laid off and only being able to find temp work for a couple months at a time, barely enough money to make means and survive, all this hopelessness despite doing everything you're suppoe to do and people fucking have the audacity to question how she could get there.

So yea anyway I'm gonna stop rambling. I'm glad you found the peace you need to carry you through till the next dark patch. That's all most can do either way. *Hugs the wolf and just woofs softly*

Know that you have value and we love you!
❤️🐾🐺

*hugs you very tightly* hey hon, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.