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My life (such as it is).
7 years ago
Sometimes I have to wonder about my life, about where I'm supposed to be heading. In every aspect of my life, I seem to defy categorization. Though I was born and lived in Texas for almost 19 years, never developed a drawl, don't like spicy foods, not into country music, don't have boots or cowboy hats.
My current accent is one that my body seems to have developed on it's own. Somewhat a mixture of British, Australian and...something else? I didn't decide to do it that way, it just is.
In the Navy 20 years. Never got drunk, didn't go to bars, didn't really cuss, etc. Never sounded or acted like a stereotypical sailor. How I made it through boot camp and 20 years is still a mystery to me.
Been living in Georgia for 11 years. Don't have the accent, don't act like a typical Georgian. No matter where I've been or what I've done (outside of the furry fandom, and even in it to a certain degree), I seem to be the "black sheep", the "outsider".
This year I'll be 50...and I've just recently realized I'm an asexual...and I'm still a virgin. Relationships don't seem to be something that I have any interest in. I've tried dating many times, but they haven even lasted longer than a year. Not THEIR fault, but more of mine.
It's like I couldn't generate any more interest in them. Sometimes being "unique" and not following the crowd" seems to have backfired on me. If I'm not like anyone else, it's hard to be like anyone else, to have anything in common with anyone.
I don't know if I should be more worried that I may not find (or care to find anyone) for me, or worried that I'm not MORE worried about that. That I may be by myself for the rest of my life and just complacently accept that that's how I'll be.
So many questions...and nowhere to find the answers.
My current accent is one that my body seems to have developed on it's own. Somewhat a mixture of British, Australian and...something else? I didn't decide to do it that way, it just is.
In the Navy 20 years. Never got drunk, didn't go to bars, didn't really cuss, etc. Never sounded or acted like a stereotypical sailor. How I made it through boot camp and 20 years is still a mystery to me.
Been living in Georgia for 11 years. Don't have the accent, don't act like a typical Georgian. No matter where I've been or what I've done (outside of the furry fandom, and even in it to a certain degree), I seem to be the "black sheep", the "outsider".
This year I'll be 50...and I've just recently realized I'm an asexual...and I'm still a virgin. Relationships don't seem to be something that I have any interest in. I've tried dating many times, but they haven even lasted longer than a year. Not THEIR fault, but more of mine.
It's like I couldn't generate any more interest in them. Sometimes being "unique" and not following the crowd" seems to have backfired on me. If I'm not like anyone else, it's hard to be like anyone else, to have anything in common with anyone.
I don't know if I should be more worried that I may not find (or care to find anyone) for me, or worried that I'm not MORE worried about that. That I may be by myself for the rest of my life and just complacently accept that that's how I'll be.
So many questions...and nowhere to find the answers.
I know a bit of where you're coming from both through my own life experiences and that of my long time friend and roommate's.
I'll be 45 this year and I have had a total of two relationships, both of which lasted about four months. There were a handful of one-time flings as well but these were spread out over the course of many years.
I have come to the conclusion that I am borderline asexual. I have only a couple things that interest me in terms of intimacy and even then I am usually far too shy to and awkward to initiate anything. I am much more comfortable RPing such things on mucks like Tapestries or FurryMuck. A lot of RPers have migrated to Second Life over the years but despite that its a visual environment it just doesn't capture me the way text does.
I have more or less accepted that I will likely be single for the rest of my days. I hope to always have a circle of close friends but none of them will ever be "friends with benefits". For a long time I was worried about growing old alone but that concern is slowly fading away.
My roommate was born and raised in Tennessee. He never took on the accent, doesn't like a lot of southern foods and is instead drawn to all things spicy. He is on the autistic spectrum and though I have never been diagnosed I wouldn't be surprised if I were as well.
Another former roommate that I still consider to be a close friend is also asexual and mildly autistic. He and I could talk about anything and everything for hours on end. I still miss his company and try to keep in touch with him since he moved to Georgia.
I too have many questions about why my mind works the way it does, and no answers. Sometimes I think that maybe my spirit wanted something "different" with this life. A vacation from the "normal" find someone and live happily ever after scenario. Maybe the answers will come when its all said and done.
*hugs tight* If you ever wanna talk just hit me up on Steam or drop me a note here.
just have some interest that inspires you.
and if you have spirit alie/friends, well you have to remember to be considerate of everything too,
but if you meet them in a dream or see their representative physical forms,
there's a sources of some ideas.
at the heart of everything is how the physical as well as social universe works,
and the puzzle solving, how to make it work better, how each of our small influences,
can push it, however slightly, in the kind of directions that make it to where everyone,
can find some gratification in living in it.
exploration is the natural source of gratification for all creatures.
sapience adds to that, the thurst and gratification of creating.
there's no gain in being who or what you're not,
but you can always keep curious.
that's the main thing.