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Possible future, feelings and stuff unrelated to any of it.
7 years ago
Perhaps some even more insaneriddiculous stuff to be written here, or read. Sometimes it will be written in my poor English. Sometimes in Russian. And all the time it will be written all for myself. My thoughts, my fears. To my and, perhaps, yours, entertainment.
Summer is here. The weather goes from warm to cold. There's sun, and rain. Sometimes it's calm, sometimes there's a wind strong enough to blow you away (not far however). And some of my old wounds have opened again. Of course, i dont mean that i have a wound on my body, that had opened and bleeding right now. No, i'm talking about something, that goes in my mind. Memories of some crazy stuff, that happened about 3 months ago. There was a person, who i considered as my friend. And for 2 or 3 years, we enjoyed our friendship stuff. However, things got fucked up on the sideways, and something went awfully wrong. Was it me, who was burried into the deepest levels of my job, or was it that person, who started to distance itself from me. First it was just chatting problems - we couldn't chat so often, because of daily problems. Person had some problems in it's family, i've got my job routine. Anyway, it turned out, that this person actually began to say, that i'm paranoid, and that upsets this person (yea, i will not give it a discription, was it a girl, was it some guy who i thought to be my friend, you're left to guess). And this is where i say:"The fuck?" What kind of bullshit is it? What paranoia? Is it me, who's trying his best, to not get the whole company upset or worse, by hopping in the chat with my shitty mood, to the jokes that pisses me off, or to people (which that person had brought aboard with itself at some point, some "friend" of their) that i hate? Ow, that's good. Cool! Yea, i guess folks, i do have the paranoia indeed! I think, i was expected to act like nothing happens, that i'm ok, when, obviously, i wasn't. But hey - that's A LIE. And i have one rule, that is, however that sounds, is one and only rule in my life, that i will not disobey - I won't lie to my closest friends. Never. Whatever the truth is, i will not lie. If i feel bad and, if i want them to know it, they'll know it for sure. But sometimes, you just have to keep your problems jsut with yourself, away from other people. Because it's your problems, and your's only.
But, unfortunately, the Person had different opinion. We argued, we shared some bitter words (letters), and, as a result, we stopped talking to each other for 3 months. After that i learned what's the word "Depression" means. It sucks people. How do you live with it sometimes? Sucks to have this shit... Anyway - few days ago, i've felt that i HAVE to speak to that person again. Even when my friends did their best, to help me forget this Person, i've came to conclusion, that i just have to say everything i kept up to that moment. And, what do you know, i did! I'm so goddamn pround of myself! Well, i was, at least at that moment. The Person revealed itself as a total shit-for-a-friend. It just wanted me to feel sympathy towards it. It needed my sympathy, to feel "Needed". To make this clear - it just played with me. And when it found new target, it thrown me away. Yup, sounds like a cheap whore story. But that's how i feel. I was emotionally used, then - thrown away. Yesterday, i suddenly realised, that this person deserves nothing, but regret. I feel sorry for that miserable creature right now actually. Perhaps, that Person wasn't a bad buddy to chat with. But, who cares now? Now this Person is out there, trapped in it's own world of dreams. But the truth is - it just keeps lying to itself, and everyone around it. And that Person truly belives, that it's needed to "help" people around. To you, folks, to understand - that Person is studying in psychology or some sort of it. But the thing is - it's totally sucks at it. But still, it tries. And fails again for numerous reasons. The reasons to personal, to tell about them. I'll just say, that this Person never needed a "Friend", as i realised, it needed a patient. Someone sick and weak, to nurse it. Not to help, i must say, just to play with it...
In the end, i'm left alone. And i still care for that Person, 'cause, well, it did gave me a good time of chatting with it. That was really good. And sometimes, when i've felt bad, that Person always cheered me up. Perhaps, i regret, that i've let myself to go this far. Perhaps, a simple "Sorry, that was my bad.", could correct this shitty situation? Perhaps, exept i tried it. I did apologise, but the Person just answered with "I see", or "Ok", and left. Next day the Person deleted almost every contact, that i could use. So, i guess, there's nothing to be sorry about, right? Everything that happened, happened for some good reason, and it couldn't get any other way. Because, well, i'm still alive, right?
But, unfortunately, the Person had different opinion. We argued, we shared some bitter words (letters), and, as a result, we stopped talking to each other for 3 months. After that i learned what's the word "Depression" means. It sucks people. How do you live with it sometimes? Sucks to have this shit... Anyway - few days ago, i've felt that i HAVE to speak to that person again. Even when my friends did their best, to help me forget this Person, i've came to conclusion, that i just have to say everything i kept up to that moment. And, what do you know, i did! I'm so goddamn pround of myself! Well, i was, at least at that moment. The Person revealed itself as a total shit-for-a-friend. It just wanted me to feel sympathy towards it. It needed my sympathy, to feel "Needed". To make this clear - it just played with me. And when it found new target, it thrown me away. Yup, sounds like a cheap whore story. But that's how i feel. I was emotionally used, then - thrown away. Yesterday, i suddenly realised, that this person deserves nothing, but regret. I feel sorry for that miserable creature right now actually. Perhaps, that Person wasn't a bad buddy to chat with. But, who cares now? Now this Person is out there, trapped in it's own world of dreams. But the truth is - it just keeps lying to itself, and everyone around it. And that Person truly belives, that it's needed to "help" people around. To you, folks, to understand - that Person is studying in psychology or some sort of it. But the thing is - it's totally sucks at it. But still, it tries. And fails again for numerous reasons. The reasons to personal, to tell about them. I'll just say, that this Person never needed a "Friend", as i realised, it needed a patient. Someone sick and weak, to nurse it. Not to help, i must say, just to play with it...
In the end, i'm left alone. And i still care for that Person, 'cause, well, it did gave me a good time of chatting with it. That was really good. And sometimes, when i've felt bad, that Person always cheered me up. Perhaps, i regret, that i've let myself to go this far. Perhaps, a simple "Sorry, that was my bad.", could correct this shitty situation? Perhaps, exept i tried it. I did apologise, but the Person just answered with "I see", or "Ok", and left. Next day the Person deleted almost every contact, that i could use. So, i guess, there's nothing to be sorry about, right? Everything that happened, happened for some good reason, and it couldn't get any other way. Because, well, i'm still alive, right?
