I will never mention any names. I will also probably vent about people that are watching me at some point.. I dunno. I hope.. that I can ask that whoever is watching me if you see something about you.. don't take it personally. don't get upset or mad.. You can talk to me about it just.. understand that what I am venting doesn't have to make sense. I will be venting about how events and such make me FEEL not.. what I THINK or.. that I am sure they did these things on purpose of even KNOWINGLY did it..

SO disclaimer aside..

The past few weeks have been.. jesus.. such a roller coaster. I am happy.. but.. at the same time I have my moments where I can't.. always keep my chin up you know? I.. am extremely thankful for what friends I do have. Granted.. I have some closer than others. I had.. not really a HUGE issue with one.. but.. we were trying to figure something out..

There wasn't any yelling.. screaming.. I didn't blow up in anger.. or hurt anyone or scream at anyone about it. However.. when we were taking some time to figure things out.. and.. weren't really talking cause.. sometimes things are awkward and.. it sucks.. but.. I sat in a group chat wanting to.. well.. not wanting to per say but.. I guess.. secretly hoping someone.. or people would just.. pop in and just start talking.. either to me or to each other just to.. distract me from the shitty situation I was unwillingly thrust into..

However.. no one showed. I figured at first it was cause it was really early in the morning.. but.. then.. when a whole day passed.. and nothing.. that.. my gut said.. "they knew about the stuff, and are avoiding me for whatever reason". Which was.. later confirmed.. I however didn't.. talk to anyone. It just.. sucked cause.. if I ever have issues.. or.. get upset at anyone.. or.. anything.. I just.. am afraid that I am going to end up alone.. kinda just.. curled up in a corner..

I did what I could to keep my.. problems private.. two people knew, and only one of them were told by me. I may vent to one person if I have issues with someone.. or.. am in a situation where.. I don't want to be in it to be honest.. I don't vent to people unless I am sure I can trust them not to tell others. I trust my gut about people and.. I can honestly say it's never led me astray.

The thing that I wanted.. was.. and I can UNDERSTAND that people were cautious and not wanting to.. really like.. risk going near me cause who knows.. maybe I am a fur that will make everyone look like shit and just.. never shut up about it and boo hoo me and boo hoo this. However.. I don't like to do that. I just.. wanted to talk to people.. maybe game with someone.. and just.. FORGET about it.. distract my mind so that I don't have to.. feel every second of every minute pass by you know..?

It's bad enough that I'm in a bad situation with someone I really care about.. and my heart is pained with every beat and it feels like a little man is carving his way through my chest with a dull spoon the size of an ant.. but to be left in a corner where everyone tries to act like your the hobo begging for change..

ANYWAYS. All I want is to just.. have my private stuff be just that. PRIVATE. I Want to have people come talk to me or talk to each other around me so I can forget my problems if only for a little while. Sure I will possibly vent to one person rarely to just.. TALK about it. But after that I tend to just.. want to change the subject and forget it for as long as I can. That concludes this vent ^^; apologies for the length.

Again, please don't take offense to this anyone. I'm not mad, upset, pissed, or anything. I am also not shaming anyone. SO PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT THAT WAY. I will not stand for shaming people that I am venting about in my journals unless they actually deserve it. So.. I ask that you please be considerate if you post an opinion in the comments. Thank you. <3