TLDR, I'm crying for help... I'm fucked in the head.


So like.. Where to even start...I honestly don't know
The past few years have been really hard on me.. To the point where I just want to move away, start again somewhere new.. or kill myself.
Yes, I said kill myself. I want to end it all
And no this isn't attention seeking or me being "emo" I really need to put this out there..
I hate where I am.. I feel paranoid all the time when I'm out. I feel that all eyes are watching me, judging me, hating me for who I am, what I've done, the people I've lost, the people I've loved...everything.
People who say they "care" are just saying words to calm me.. no one really cares. No one really wants to hear me whine and complain about my life, no one wants to be an ear, no one wants to see me crumbling and falling to their arms when I need more than a hug.
What they say is just words.. and I'm the firm believer in "actions speak louder than words".
Multiple people have shown time and time again, that you just cannot rely on them. The only person I have is my partner.. and I just feel that it isn't enough.
I want to be loved and cared for.. maybe it's because I have Borderline Personality Disorder that I feel this way and constantly crave validation.
No, this isn't a way to blame my mental issues.. this is genuinely how I feel..
People have said that I'm emotionally manipulative, rude, harsh, blunt, a bitch.. all manner of things that I feel I can't control.
I never notice that I've ever been emotionally manipulative or self victimising. I never notice that I have been rude or harsh to people.. I just feel that's how I am..
I've tried to change, to no avail, and it seems that no matter what I do, no matter how many apologies I give, no matter on how many egg shells I try NOT to step on, it just gets me no where.
Everyone leaves me in the end.. not even my pets care about me.. no matter how much love I give them.

Honestly, would it be better if I was gone? Dead forever.. my spirit enjoying a better life, somewhere else far from here?
I honestly feel like no one would care. No one would give a shit if I was gone.. not even my family.
I feel like no one would miss me. I'm not someone to remember.
No one talks to me any more, I'm afraid to do anything or go anywhere to events I would enjoy because, I'm worried I'll bump in to people and show them aggression and not be able to control myself. (I've done this in the past)
No one even invites me out to games nights, movie nights or anything like that.. I'm so easily forgettable.

I don't know how to change without paying a shit ton of money to people who may fix it.. or may not.
I don't even have the funds.
I barely have the funds to live.
I can't get a job because of the anxiety it causes me and the paranoia I would give myself because everyone is judging me.

The three people I cared about most in this world has torn me from the inside out and I've lost them.. just like I do everyone else.
They all don't want a bar of me.. a second chance..
I don't feel loved or cared for..
I hate my pathetic existence
I don't understand why I'm still here.. I'm scared to kill myself, yet I want to.. I think about it all the time.

People blame me for pushing them away when I don't get "my" way. It's honestly not that..
It's more that I just feel I'm too much of a hassle for them.. and they'll end up leaving me in the end.
I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and I give so much love.. only because I want the same in return.
Not because things didn't go my way..
People have impressions of me from what other people told them, made their minds up about me before even getting to hear my side..

I'm isolated in my own hell and I can't seem to crawl my way out.
I don't know what to do any more and this is definitely a cry for help.
Many people probably wont read this and that's fine if you don't.. but I want to make it known out there that I've always cared, I've always loved the people who are in my social circle.. the people that have left me.. the people that I've caused to run away.
All I want is a bit of company.. attention, validation
Don't do it because I ask of you. Do it because you want to out of the goodness of your own heart.

This is truly a cry for help... I usually never post any thing like this..
I honestly... don't know what to do any more...