FA+
Shop
Fuck I don't know
7 years ago
No idea how to feel about life at the moment. Some things are more shit, others are less shit. Overall I think I'm in a better situation and should probably move on as far as the job side of thing goes.
I was at Coxcon for the third year in a row this year. The night before leaving to head back home I realised I was no closer to achieving any of my real goals than the first year I went. That gave me a burst of willpower to finally get something done for the glory, satisfaction, achievement, and having progressed towards my real ultimate goal of becoming self-employed so I don't have to suck corporate dick and get paid half as much as my contribution is worth, just so I can exist and either have no spare time or no energy to enjoy the benefits. Part of what I have to do is stop myself from putting everyone else's needs before my own, but it's a tough balancing act when you can feel the increasing tension in interpersonal relationships every time you tell someone you don't have time.
So I'm in this weird ass situation where I really want to get something done, but work leaves me so drained I have no willpower or mental focus. I've made slow progress, but I increasingly make less across time spans, a problem which started for me a few years ago. I can't switch to a less stressful or exhausting job because I'll immediately become irrelevant to the software development industry and never be able to get my foot in the door there again. I can't take up a game development job I might have otherwise loved because the pay is garbage. When I look at everything I create in my own time or at work I can only feel proud of it in the sense of "it's less shit than X thing I did" and seeing stupid mistakes (including in my programming work), while everyone else seems to be better at everything than me after years of stretching my ambition further and further until I can't even finish anything.
Take my art for example (and I do a lot of practice outside of what I upload to FA): I still don't know what the hell I'm doing with shading, I could improve so much on posing, variety, and perspective, and everything I draw on a tablet looks like something a little kid could make. Though with the way things seem to be, a 4 year old kid could probably art better than me lol.
This journal sounds a lot more ranty and negative than I actually feel or intended, I feel okay overall except for random inexplicable headaches on Sundays, and I feel a lot less stressed than last year. So don't worry about me! I guess I'm just doing the thing I usually do with journals here and using it as a space to do a brain dump of my quite obviously pessimistic mind. I can say for sure I do feel better for it, whereas in Q4 last year I probably wouldn't have recognized positive thoughts.
I was at Coxcon for the third year in a row this year. The night before leaving to head back home I realised I was no closer to achieving any of my real goals than the first year I went. That gave me a burst of willpower to finally get something done for the glory, satisfaction, achievement, and having progressed towards my real ultimate goal of becoming self-employed so I don't have to suck corporate dick and get paid half as much as my contribution is worth, just so I can exist and either have no spare time or no energy to enjoy the benefits. Part of what I have to do is stop myself from putting everyone else's needs before my own, but it's a tough balancing act when you can feel the increasing tension in interpersonal relationships every time you tell someone you don't have time.
So I'm in this weird ass situation where I really want to get something done, but work leaves me so drained I have no willpower or mental focus. I've made slow progress, but I increasingly make less across time spans, a problem which started for me a few years ago. I can't switch to a less stressful or exhausting job because I'll immediately become irrelevant to the software development industry and never be able to get my foot in the door there again. I can't take up a game development job I might have otherwise loved because the pay is garbage. When I look at everything I create in my own time or at work I can only feel proud of it in the sense of "it's less shit than X thing I did" and seeing stupid mistakes (including in my programming work), while everyone else seems to be better at everything than me after years of stretching my ambition further and further until I can't even finish anything.
Take my art for example (and I do a lot of practice outside of what I upload to FA): I still don't know what the hell I'm doing with shading, I could improve so much on posing, variety, and perspective, and everything I draw on a tablet looks like something a little kid could make. Though with the way things seem to be, a 4 year old kid could probably art better than me lol.
This journal sounds a lot more ranty and negative than I actually feel or intended, I feel okay overall except for random inexplicable headaches on Sundays, and I feel a lot less stressed than last year. So don't worry about me! I guess I'm just doing the thing I usually do with journals here and using it as a space to do a brain dump of my quite obviously pessimistic mind. I can say for sure I do feel better for it, whereas in Q4 last year I probably wouldn't have recognized positive thoughts.
I think it would bring about a change of pace maybe.
There's a lot of ways it could backfire even if allowed though, and I wouldn't trust joining e.g.; a mod team to not just steal anything I made and claim it was their own work.
You might have thought about it already but I'll reflect the question onto you: have you considered trying something like that? I know your workplace isn't great so you might not want the extra stress, but at least you might be doing something you like more or at least hate less.