I'm truly frightened by the idea of losing others in my life.. I've lost so many since i sunk into depression and i have somehow managed to find people in my life who do actually care.. that were able to look past my problems and take me in as a friend.. as someone they could /would spend time with and some even considered me "Family".. They introduced me to others and gave me the time of day nobody else would. However.. I've managed to lose some..nay.. a lot..im not a perfect person and i know there is so much about me that people still hate.. but i don't want to be hated.. i want to improve upon myself.. i want to be a better person and make those around me happy rather than push them away. I want to keep those i have and somehow.. regain those I've lost.

I've been.. very.. very silent here on FA.. and i don't blame those whom have thought i was dead for doing so.. i don't blame those that have stopped watching me for doing so.. i don't blame those who have unadded me for doing so either.. The only one i blame.. the only one i can blame.. is myself. Please.. if anyone out there willing to listen and read this.. any of it at all.. can help me in any way please.. i beg of you to do so.. help me better myself. I've always struggled to do that on my own and i don't want to lose any more people i treasure in this life.. Analyze me.. break down my faults.. tell me.. show me.. teach me to just.. be normal or whatever in the bloody world i need to be to make others happy and just.. not deter people from not wanting to be around me.. I KNOW im a fuck up in many more ways than one.. i KNOW i have my flaws.. that i push buttons when i shouldn't. i know i don't have the best sense of humor and that ive said far too many things that gave off the wrong impressions on others.. I don't want for that to be a thing... but its so very incredibly difficult to change myself.. to become something im not.. As pathetic as it is, ive always needed help... and im here asking anyone/everyone willing to help me to do so, TO do so..

And to all of those whom i HAVE aggravated... upset.. bothered.. just plain pissed off.. I cannot express how sorry i am.. how much i wish i could take it all back.. to fix all that ive done. i am a good but i don't actually want to anger any of you.. I've cared about each and every single one of you from the very beginning with every bit of my heart.. Please.. Please don't leave me in the dark.. I've been suffocating in it for far too long.. (Im not innocent in this.. I NEED to change and fix myself.. to better who i am and how i act.. and that's while im begging for help.. Please..)