I suppose this is a coming out and a reaching out journal.
If you don't believe anything I say or the things I believe then I don't blame you, you are entitled to what you believe. Whether I seem crazy or not, I know what I've experienced and what I believe.

I've never really liked using the terms, because the labels aren't exactly best at describing or all inclusive. The labels are also associated with so many negative connotations, I never wanted to claim them. Much like being "furry" growing up i never knew what it was or the community behind it, I just knew i had a liking and a passion for furry art. The curiosity and interest in furry stemmed from my experiences as Therian, and because of that I haven't always felt like a part of this community. Eventually I did come to like anthros in the same way I came to like anime. It was an interesting artform. But similarly to anime, furry was a short lived passion. Something that I like to dabble in from time to time.

-Trigger warnings for mental illness and suicide-
I awoke as a Therian, and later Otherkin, when I was about 13. Which seems to be a common time for people, because it's a common time of self realization and becoming yourself as a human. But I wasn't just awoken by myself. I had spirits following me, some malicious, some good, some neutral. They told me what I was, explained to me why i felt the things i did, the things i saw, and the things I felt. The malicious were always the loudest, followed most closely. I became very, isolated, lonely, depressed, and suicidal. I was told that I was different, special, and I shouldn't be a human. That I didn't belong in this world and I shouldn't be alive. That I should kill myself. This was way before I had any access to internet, before the internet was a common thing. I had no way of knowing that people could have similar experiences, so I was confident that I was different than other people. Often times I just considered myself crazy and mentally ill. But at that point i didn't care. Having the spirits around made me feel less lonely, and them telling me i was different and special made me feel better. So i ended up believing them.
And then I met her. My dear friend, one i could call Soulmate. We confided that we felt same things, we were haunted by similar things. We grew very close for the next few years. We worked so hard to figure out why we were alive, what we were here for so we could leave and go somewhere more peaceful. And we were sure that we shouldn't be alive and shouldn't be human. And then she got in a car accident and she died. And I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, or to be alone. When I was with her I felt like I was home for the first time in my life, that I could be myself and not have to worry.
I attempted to take my life shortly after hers but I was unsuccessful. I decided that, if I was a human now, then there had to be a reason, so I was determined to find out why. I forcibly killed my otherself and my memories of my past life, so i could find a purpose in this life. The spirits left after that, mostly. The loud and malicious ones left. I heard no more voices, and saw few unnatural occurrences, that were easy to brush off. I began my new life of trying to be a normal person, and learn that I had more things in common with humans than I was different from them. That I was in fact a human even though i despised them. And to get on with my life rather than whining about it and giving up on it. But my memories of the spirits, of my shiftings, of her, never went away. I suppressed everything I could, but memories would still come back. I was mildly successful at being a normal person. I finished school, moved out, went to college, graduated, got jobs. But Ive always been unfulfilled. Ive never felt truly understood or at peace. Ive never felt at home since.

Its been about a year now since I reawakened. I stopped thinking of my experiences as mental illness alone or that I was schizophrenic in my youth. I learned about Paganism through learning about Wicca. I came to terms with the fact that the malicious voices I heard and the demonic things I saw could in fact be explained through spirits, or beings made of energy not from this plane of existence. I accepted the fact that I was otherkin, a spirit from another plane inhabiting a human body: Something I used to believe before I decided to kill that part of myself and embrace humanity. I accepted that I believed in reincarnation and rebirth. That many of the feelings and thoughts I had came from past lives. I began to ponder if I chose to live a human life to learn things I couldn't otherwise. That I had a purpose in being here and living.

This is the first time I have ever shared this story publicly. Up until now I have shared bits and pieces with 2 or 3 people Ive trusted. And only within the last couple of years could I do that. The reason I'm sharing this now is in hopes that people with similar experiences will find it. Maybe they will find solace in knowing that they aren't alone. Or maybe reach out to me with their stories, so I feel less alone.
In honesty, i'm writing this because i'm selfish and I want to find someone like her again: people similar enough to me that we can bond. Maybe i'm doomed to feel this way for the rest of this life, because I lost my soulmate at the beginning of it. But I hope that there is a possibility that you can have more than one soulmate, or at least, more than one person you can bond so deeply with. This is the only way I feel like i could express my feelings. The furry community is a fairly accepting place. Even if no one responds to me, I think I will have at least started feeling better by not keeping it inside anymore. Coming out is cathartic. perhaps publicly announcing what I feel and what I am, will help me fully realize it.

I am...so profoundly lonely. I want to feel what it's like have a pack again, even though I know I shouldn't dwell on past memories. I still want that sense of belonging, of someone seeing me for what I am and what I've gone through and know what it's like, to not judge me, but see me.

If you read this. Thank you for your time. If you want to message me you can. You can comment or send a note or message me on telegram: CanisSolus, username: Ashyre.
If you don't want to talk to me or If you don't like the topics I discussed then that is okay too. I have no hard feelings. Thank you for taking the time to read this and maybe empathize or pity me. I wish you well.