Every person has a breaking point. I feel like I reached mine. >~<

Hello all, first of all I want to apologize for not being around as much again. I kinda fell into a very serious depression a little while back and I'm still not out of it. Now, I haven't been followed by this many people when I've got this way in the past, so this time I've found out when you're depressed and people know it, you tend to get a lot "virtual hugs." >w< And can I just say every single one of those has meant the world to me, you have no idea. There's a reason why when I know someone has it, I don't try to "cure" it. I've been there myself, it can't be, the most you can do is just help them along, and I don't want anyone thinking they haven't. Believe me, it's meant so much I can't put it into words. :3

But part of that problem is my own making. I haven't wanted to talk about what put me here to anyone. I mean it's a combination of several dozen things, but there was one straw, one person that broke the camels back. And I didn't want to talk about it because I knew I'd get angry and name them. I'm still ungodly angry and maybe by the end of this you'll understand why, but a lot calmer about it now, and I think I can be decent about not giving this persons identity away. But I do have to talk about it.

The reason this hit me so hard is this person was a bit of an idol. There was a period transitioning from my old account to this one where I was super down like I am now. And this was one of the people who lifted me back up and reinvigorated me. So yes, in a funny way, you potentially have this person to thank for how Nick and friends came to be! :3 I had a lot of respect for them.

Well, lately they decided to start being very snappy to me when I was round them in streams or rooms etc. Nobody else was getting this, just me. I didn't let that problem sit, I eventually confronted them on discord about it because when you single a person out, that's person's gonna feel, what a shocker, singled out! I know, quite a concept, right? >~<

The answer I got I'm going to paraphrase. It was to the effect of "I hate X about you. And I'm not going to tell you exactly what X is. But it bothers me so much that if you come into places when I'm around, I'm going to ignore you, or tell you to shut up." They did apologize, and followed this up by saying I shouldn't have to change just for them. To their credit, those are the only decent bones I am going to throw them out of this whole thing.

You can probably imagine how the rest of that conversation went. I haven't got a reply since and I don't expect one. Needless to say, I'm not going to be following that person anymore, getting commissions from that person anymore, going into their streams etc.
And I'm incredibly sorry to anyone who chooses to multistream with them, but I'm not going to be coming into yours when you do either. I do not want to be around this person right now.

If me simply being around them is really going to bother them that much, problem solved.

So welcome to my life for the last week. This unyielding anger, followed by exasperating every other frustrating thing out there, followed by me coming off that anger into endless depression for the rest of the day. And every time I think I've gotten it out of my system and can get back to working, rinse and repeat.

Is this really the kind of effect I can have on people? I joke about it, being the party pooper etc, but now I'm really starting to wonder! Look, if I have ever done anything that's offended any of you, the first thing I want you to do is TELL ME WHAT IT IS. I might agree and try to avoid it, I might say I think you're fussing over nothing and not. You can think I'm an asshole for that, I might even agree with you. Whatever, at least when I know, I can work through that with you! That's more of a courtesy then I got this time. And no, I don't care what it actually was that bothered this person anymore. Too little too late.

I just... I just want this hateful feeling to stop now, and I can't get it to... >~<

I've made a decision over the last few days and left every discord and telegram group I was in, barring patreon ones. I'll probably be leaving them too. Might seem a bit stupid and impulsive, but I couldn't stay. I've fought a lot this year and stood by what I've said almost always, but I just can't do that right now. I can't sit there, wondering with everything I say if is going to kick off a hate parade. Far as I'm concerned, I need to step away from group socializing completely for a while.

This is not going to be me going away completely and one thing I have to make clear: this isn't a burnout. I'm still getting random ideas and wishing I had the energy to pick up that pen and stream. If I'd burnt out I wouldn't even be able to look at a blank canvas. So I'll still be working on stuff if I get into a good enough state for it. And I'll still be staying in touch with friends and commissioners. How often that's going to happen though? I can't say.

Thank you for reading all of this if you did. Not much more to say except I'm just sorry. I really wish I had something better to tell you guys in closing.

(PS: There's two other things I need to mention. First: I have the journal about the wolves fully written up. I cannot commit to that anymore in my current state, but it's gotten so many people interested that if you don't want to be left hanging, I can upload it after this one.

And second: If you know or think you know who I've been talking about above, I'm going to ask that you please keep it you yourself. I don't want this person being harassed so any comments like, "Is it X?" "Did X do this to you?" I'll be hiding those without hesitation. Please keep this respectful.)