Well damn dude... I don’t know what to say. Is there anything I could do that might help you out?

I dunno..m I would ask you the same thing but I need money... thays the biggest thing. I wanna be a youtuber really. Get fans, be famous on a small scale. Make enough doing YouTube to live on. Someday I will

Well unfortunately, I don’t exactly have much cash to spare. If it means anything, though, I wish you the best of luck at working this all out.

*offers a soft horse hug and a person to talk to if you need it*

I appreciate that... thanks

I'm so fucking sorry to hear your life is not going the best for you. Please, if you ever need to talk, I'm available on Discord whenever I can be.

What is your discord handle? People keep changing their usernames and it pisses me off cause I dont know who is who

So sorry for the late response, but it's Apollo Hadyn#0347

I was looking at the comment you wrote and then I decided to check out your page out of sheer boredom. I saw your journal and then decided to read it and then it hit home with me.

First of all, there's thousands and thousands of jobs out there. You're bound to get another job again. You can always go through a temp agency.
Two, there's supplements one can take, such as 5HTP, GABA, SAMe, and other stuff for depression and anxiety.
Three, you might be able to file bankruptcy or do a payment plan to pay off your debt. I have a 150,000 loan and I am doing it.

I know you might hate this but the only thing that has kept me alive is Jesus. I personally know He's real, because my great gramps used to perform exorcisms and I have my own testimonies that prove that He is very much alive. When I look at the Universe, everything is made so perfectly and wonderfully, that something out there had to make it and create it. The morality of what God is for is a lot different than Man's standards/values. I am going to church and doing tons of praying. I thought about ending my life last week. I had a plan and everything. I basically got on my knees and prayed. I don't have that emptiness anymore. I did also sage and oils and what not to clean my apartment. I watch testimonies everyday and read my Bible. I have to go to church and get prayed on by people. I basically relied on God for my life and so far, it's working.

Aside from my spirituality, I would recommend self help books if you're not into Jesus. There's good depression work books by Dr. Bourne. There's many self help books that you can rent from the library and that's free. One of them is called The Secret. I used to read books, such as A Child Called It. That was also a good one too. I would write down all the positive things they would do to get them going. I read all 3 of his books. Reading people who had it harder than you worked for me.

Also, I would recommend having something that grounds you. I will say that Jesus is the only way, but there's other things that can ground someone. I hate saying that, but I would rather have someone alive and grounded than dead. I used to read Buddhist books.

Try looking at the positives in life. I don't care if it's something stupid to you being thankful for walking and seeing. Keep your mind busy and listen to music.

I remember watching Oprah, even though I don't like her anymore, but she would say, "No one can be an exact you. There's no exact you out there. No one can dance in your shoes. You set the stage and we are all ready to watch." Only you are your own unique person. If you die, it will affect someone else in a negative way. We all impact people on a positive or negative way. We all help each-other grow, either way.

In other words, this too shall pass. You can and will get through this. Lean to as many people as possible for support. I hope to God that you get over your depression, because I know you feel like a cloud over you and you're in so much pain. I wish I could give you a hug in person.

Temp agencies are pretty awful and do not provide any long term job security.

On the note about suppliments I will read up on some science and studies before I decide to try it.

Not sure what I am gonna do but I will see.

I want to start off by saying that I dont have anything against you. But I am not one to sugarcoat, I don't judge people but I judge their beleifs. You may ask me; how that is any different from judging the person? Well you see your thoughts and beleifs are separate from yourself. You have to make this distinction if you want to be able to function in any sort of way. With that out of the way I posit this disclaimer. I am going to be very honest. Unadulterated honesty.

I dont beleive in Jesus. I think there may have been a man or a series of men that the beloved character of The Bible is based on. But I dont think he is real. I dont beleive in god. I cannot prove or disprove the existence of any being that cannot be explained and tested scientifically. But I think it is highly improbable. I often wonder why the universe is placed just so perfectly to create life it is astounding. But I dont have evidence to prove or disprove a higher being. I am very open to real arguments with real substance. But nothing so far has swayed my atheistic stance. Side note on my unbeleif in the existence in an etherial sky daddy or anything like a higher power has nothing tto dowith my depression and has everything to do with the way my life has gone. I know what I need and I know that the last thing I need is to be preached to.

Positive thinking can actually make anxiety worse. Constantly trying to turn lemons into lemonade instead of seeing the lemons as lemons but not wasting the energy to carry their burden. You dont have to turn everything around.

You are very correct though. Thos too shall pass. I appreciate your comment and hope my response was tactful if not at least not a full on slap in the face and more of a light tap.

Ok. No problem. I was just throwing it out there from what has helped me not hurt myself.
I wish you the best of luck.

money debt or the guilty feeling that comes with it is NOT EVER worth killing yourself for. Your life barely just began and it might feel bad right now but who knows maybe luck is just around the corner you just cant see it yet. I have been in a similar existencial crisis/ depression like you find yourself in right now. Seeking therapy helped me so much and my life took a 180 degree turning. Only 3 years ago i was stuck in a flat without heating in a very cold winter i was sick, alone and i got beaten at work and got paid barely enough to have 50 bucks left for EVERYTHING except rent. I hit rockbottom although i never was really on the brim of suicide, a friend of mine was and killed herself, nothing i could do I felt so helpless. It changed me. Then i had the incredible luck to meet my therapist. and now im a freelancing artist, married and live in my own house. First rule is get yourself out there, talk about your feelings, exchange them with others. A therapist is just a very good listener with the education to help you help yourself. Its what did it for me at least.

I saw you said you want to be a youtuber. Do it. start doing your thing, upload regulary, when you have the content people will come, slowly but it will happen. And then you even have someone to come out to.

Imagine what your little brother would do without you or anyone else who really cares for you. I attended a few funerals of friends who died way too young. may it been suicide cancer or a heartattack. I dont wish that upon anyone to watch the parents who lost their child cry in ones arms.
Seek help, i know you heard that probably a lot of times. But actually take a moment and reflect what that means for you, make a plan.
tell someone asking them to help you if you have troubles with how much of a big task it can be. Tackled together things become manageable!
I can even provide a plan if you should want my help. My discord is on my page.

lots of love!
~Zola

I wouldn't want you to waste your time on a lost cause. I will be around until I am not. And fade from your mind like a dumb pun you think about later and laugh. Don't worry about what you are powerless to change but life for yourself. Its the only way to be truly happy. or at least to convince yourself you are happy.

unlikely, i never forget someone i care about. Although it might be true that i cant really do stuff should you decide to kill yourself.
Happiness is something you aquire through moving out of your comfort zone and is a well earned and free feeling. By free i mean it cant be caught or generated by force. Everyone can aquire it though no matter their situation.

Dont say your are worthless because thats simply not true, life is precious and it only happens once to you, the incredible gift to experience everything is valuable and sometimes fragile. Please consider seeking help because its the depression speaking out of you, in reality you just want an escape from your current situation and suicide might seem an option but its not! It is not the easy way out! Practically said...
you have a dept, what do you think it will happen with it when you pass? Your relatives have to pay for that.. and a funeral is expensive too you would not only leave a big hole in everyones hearts but leave all your problems behind unsolved. Do the right thing and care for yourself care about others, seek conversation. And certainly i am not willing to give you up that easily, because i lost friend from suicide and its my moral to at least make sure i have tried.
The fact that you wrote this journal in general is a sign for me that help is not unwanted, that you seek aid but just dont know where to begin so it just exploded here... the ''you'' somewhere under that mask of the illness wants to be happy and healthy. Listen to it and us!

I must apologise if i hurt you, I want to help but i am not someone who is allowed to judge neither do i know you or your life.