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Being trans.
7 years ago
I just wanted to say a couple things. Of course, I'm repeating a lot of what I've said in the last couple months, or maybe year if you know me well enough.
So, things have been interesting lately. Especially with coming out as transgender. I mean, it's a teensy bit like coming out as gay but it's a whole lot of more extra. I mostly came out after having a depressed fit and out of the blue asked a friend if I could ever be happy with how I looked. In the end I had to look at the perspective in which if I had the chance to look and act like a woman, would I be happier? The thing is that after this moment, I realize I could have come out earlier. The signs were all there, but I was always afraid to consider it. In the end I realized that I was hurting myself from staying in such a denial. I'm out though. I don't know why it's like this. At times I feel like, huh, but what if I just want to be normal? But I'll fall back to the same thing. My normal has never been the majority's normal, but that's ok. After having learned some new things I've come to terms of knowing that of course I can't make the world or others see me as how I wish, but I can at least be nicer to myself and just say fuck it, this is me. I had always had the feeling that I was outside of the world, a step back from the people around me and only watching them, longing to be part of it by being something real. I had faked the things I liked, the way I'd act, the way I'd speak to make myself invisible to those who could hurt me. I only hurt myself by locking myself down.
So, here I am now. Two months since coming out. I really should see some kind of professional to help guide me to know what I should do next. I honestly don't even know if it's ok to say I'm transgender by just saying it myself or if I have to go to some doctor to tell me, "yep, you're trans, here's your note". I don't know. In all honesty, I'd prefer to be seen as a woman, referred by female pronouns, and have the full and clear appearance of a woman. Of course, that is a long time from now. Yet at this age of 27 I don't know how well the plan would work for me. The actual treatments and body work is still a very long way from where I am on my journey as I'm just starting to experiment with the simple things. Even the simple things have been an adventure itself. From removing the long restraint of the way I prefer to walk and talk to learning how to do the things I truly want to do and that truly make me feel happy. Even though many people say that no object should be restricted to gender, I want to do things that would make me appear more feminine. Like getting earrings, learning how to use makeup, wear the clothing, fix my hair, do anything it takes to pass without treatment. It's been difficult and I've rarely done enough IRL other than buy some 3 articles, paint my nails and acting with less restraint.
Then there are /those/ days. The days I feel desperate, the days that are the same as before I came to the realization. Where I feel hopeless and doubting. The times in which I feel like I should give up on this and continue life as how I had before. Of course, it'd be easier for me, less people against me, less trouble, more normality; yet I remember that I'm only going to feel miserable from this life, no matter how successful it could become. In the end this is some kind of journey I've been having so far. It's not about just wanting to be a woman, crossdressing, or changing your body. It's about wanting to be me with no regrets and full joy. And it's been crazy, but interesting.
And it's also been difficult. Mostly trying to talk to someone about it, all because I feel like I have such a hard time having the right words to describe how I feel, or how my experience is like in this. It's either that someone doesn't completely understand, that I haven't done enough to prove it, or that I've waited for too long to be able to do anything anymore. It's difficult to talk to someone about it sometimes. And of course, I'm in support groups, I talk to people online, and I mention how I feel in both negative and positive moments. But at times I feel like I'm either super certain that I am a transgender woman and other times I feel like I could be faking it all for attention. But nobody in their right mind would be happy to be mistaken for the other gender often and deliberately try to subtly make themselves androgynous to make that happen more often. But then again, I'm not offended to be referred as male, I just get happier to be referred as female. Do I just not suffer from that kind of problem? Am I really feeling dysphoria? Is dysphoria just feeling bad about my broad shoulders, or can it also be the feeling of missing out and getting left behind when I see someone else advance in their journey? In the end, I may be something on a spectrum, or maybe I just haven't gone far enough to be on a complete binary. But like I said, I just want to be me.
So, things have been interesting lately. Especially with coming out as transgender. I mean, it's a teensy bit like coming out as gay but it's a whole lot of more extra. I mostly came out after having a depressed fit and out of the blue asked a friend if I could ever be happy with how I looked. In the end I had to look at the perspective in which if I had the chance to look and act like a woman, would I be happier? The thing is that after this moment, I realize I could have come out earlier. The signs were all there, but I was always afraid to consider it. In the end I realized that I was hurting myself from staying in such a denial. I'm out though. I don't know why it's like this. At times I feel like, huh, but what if I just want to be normal? But I'll fall back to the same thing. My normal has never been the majority's normal, but that's ok. After having learned some new things I've come to terms of knowing that of course I can't make the world or others see me as how I wish, but I can at least be nicer to myself and just say fuck it, this is me. I had always had the feeling that I was outside of the world, a step back from the people around me and only watching them, longing to be part of it by being something real. I had faked the things I liked, the way I'd act, the way I'd speak to make myself invisible to those who could hurt me. I only hurt myself by locking myself down.
So, here I am now. Two months since coming out. I really should see some kind of professional to help guide me to know what I should do next. I honestly don't even know if it's ok to say I'm transgender by just saying it myself or if I have to go to some doctor to tell me, "yep, you're trans, here's your note". I don't know. In all honesty, I'd prefer to be seen as a woman, referred by female pronouns, and have the full and clear appearance of a woman. Of course, that is a long time from now. Yet at this age of 27 I don't know how well the plan would work for me. The actual treatments and body work is still a very long way from where I am on my journey as I'm just starting to experiment with the simple things. Even the simple things have been an adventure itself. From removing the long restraint of the way I prefer to walk and talk to learning how to do the things I truly want to do and that truly make me feel happy. Even though many people say that no object should be restricted to gender, I want to do things that would make me appear more feminine. Like getting earrings, learning how to use makeup, wear the clothing, fix my hair, do anything it takes to pass without treatment. It's been difficult and I've rarely done enough IRL other than buy some 3 articles, paint my nails and acting with less restraint.
Then there are /those/ days. The days I feel desperate, the days that are the same as before I came to the realization. Where I feel hopeless and doubting. The times in which I feel like I should give up on this and continue life as how I had before. Of course, it'd be easier for me, less people against me, less trouble, more normality; yet I remember that I'm only going to feel miserable from this life, no matter how successful it could become. In the end this is some kind of journey I've been having so far. It's not about just wanting to be a woman, crossdressing, or changing your body. It's about wanting to be me with no regrets and full joy. And it's been crazy, but interesting.
And it's also been difficult. Mostly trying to talk to someone about it, all because I feel like I have such a hard time having the right words to describe how I feel, or how my experience is like in this. It's either that someone doesn't completely understand, that I haven't done enough to prove it, or that I've waited for too long to be able to do anything anymore. It's difficult to talk to someone about it sometimes. And of course, I'm in support groups, I talk to people online, and I mention how I feel in both negative and positive moments. But at times I feel like I'm either super certain that I am a transgender woman and other times I feel like I could be faking it all for attention. But nobody in their right mind would be happy to be mistaken for the other gender often and deliberately try to subtly make themselves androgynous to make that happen more often. But then again, I'm not offended to be referred as male, I just get happier to be referred as female. Do I just not suffer from that kind of problem? Am I really feeling dysphoria? Is dysphoria just feeling bad about my broad shoulders, or can it also be the feeling of missing out and getting left behind when I see someone else advance in their journey? In the end, I may be something on a spectrum, or maybe I just haven't gone far enough to be on a complete binary. But like I said, I just want to be me.
This describes how I've felt pretty much all my life. I'm not trans, so I won't pretend that I know what you've been going through recently (I barely know anyone), but I do know this feeling and it sucks. Stay strong in your decisions and I do hope you will find the happiness that all people deserve.
It sucks. The whole kit and kaboodle sucks. However, there is a lot of joy and relief to be felt in seizing on those desires to try to be what you need to be. Whether that is full passing as a cis woman or something less defined, it can take work to get comfortable but it's an amazing feeling.
I'm glad you mentioned you joined some support groups, because I made the mistake of keeping my thoughts and feelings about it to myself for years and I feel like it stunted my ability to grow into the person I want to be. But I am finally able to be open about it with people close to me and a little open about it in some public avenues (:
It's still a fight some days to not regress, but it is so, so worth it.
Now this is going to sound really cheesy but there's a line in a song that became my personal anthem that goes:
I'm afraid that I am me
And I had no say in this
I dare to be self-aware when ignorance is bliss
Being happy to be me was more important than being true to what was easy, or what society expected of me. And, eventually I realized it was more important to me than being able to pass as a cis woman in day-to-day life. But being me meant a whole lot, even if it wasn't perfect.
I hope that you can find a goal and state that lets you be you. And if you ever need someone to chat with about stuff feel free to send me a message
I'm still trying to figure out how to do some things, and as well getting passed those moments of hopelessness when they come. What I am happy about is that I am very certain that I do identify as a woman and I am indeed transgender. The only thing is breaking that anxiety that comes with getting started with it all. I understand it's a whole process and I've only been going through this journey for two months, but I just really hope I can reach my goals in a foreseeable future.
Thank you, and best of luck and accomplishment in your journey as well!