So, incredibly, a lot has happened since the last journal; and I mean A LOT. Which is why I'm writing this a month earlier.
Since the last journal I mentioned I was just about to take a series of medical tests. Of these tests I had to take a blood chemistry test, an ultrasound on the testes and breasts, and finally an STD test. The entire week was a crazy adventure I can really assure.
So, on that Monday I had to fast for about some 12 hours and then get up at 6 in the morning to get ready and go to the clinic, wasn’t hard but wow was the hunger getting to me. I got a little lost in the clinic but the nurses helped guide me to the lab where it was supposed to be done. So I turn in the docs, get my blood drawn and it was done. I headed off to the uni after and stopped by a restaurant for breakfast because I was starrrvinggg. Funny thing happened though. As I was at the table the waitress actually called me miss and ma’am in Spanish and I was both surprised and delighted because I wasn’t even doing much to pass anyway. I had my usual hoodie, skinny jeans and v-neck. I suppose I look very androgynous as I do get a lot of stares in the metro even if I’m not doing anything. The rest of the day was alright, even though I was very tired from the lack of sleep.
Tuesday was something else. I had the ultrasound which was the one I was the most nervous about. Also, a bit of a warning here, it’s a little mature to talk about. So, skip this paragraph if you don’t want to read on it. It was an appointment to have an ultrasound scan to check on the parts of me that would change the most on hormones, basically the breasts and the testes. So, there I was again waiting for the doc, turn in the note and I was set. The doctor was nice and told me why they had to do it. Basically it was to ensure there wouldn’t be problems or if there are any tumors to take care of before any treatment. Now I’ll save a lot of detail but it turns out I’m VERY sensitive on a part of my chest and I couldn’t stop laughing every time the scanner head got on it. I had to apologize but the doctor was very nice and he mentioned it wasn’t a rare occurrence. He then went onto the groin area and did the scan there too. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be like. I’d say this was the one time I actually had to show the most of my body to a stranger but he was completely professional and clear on what he was doing. Just a scan, and it was done after a few minutes. Finally it was over and I headed off back home and just did my usual things. I did have to take a shower though, that gel doesn’t come off easy with cheap paper towels.
Finally, Wednesday had come and it was another blood draw. This time it was just 4 hours of fasting and it was much later than the other appointments. Again it was just a quick draw of blood and I was done. I walked home because it was a nice day after. So, that was the process of the tests and it was all about waiting for the results, which would be on the 6th of March.
The day comes and I’m super nervous. I got there on time but there was line and I had to wait an extra hour past the appointment. I didn’t have any plans that day so it wasn’t a problem, and eventually I get called. By the way, all this time, they only call me by my last names, which is a great touch for them. I make it into the endocrinologist’s office and she first asks me for my preferred name and pronouns. She began to ask me almost the same questions as the psychiatrist did way back. I answered them all honestly and she then asked me the other personal questions like whether I drank, did hard drugs, or if I did sex work (which by the way is a completely normal question in this context…there’s a huge story to this, it’s crazy but amazing, but not something to talk about here). So, I mentioned that I only drink heavily on occasion and have never done drugs while I’m mostly male leaning in attraction even though I don’t have much of it myself. All of that. Also, for the record I’m still not sure if I’m either bi or ace, but that’s for another time.
So the doctor nods and confirms and then she shows my results of the STD test, where I turned out to be negative in everything (yay!) so I had no problems in that aspect. Then came the moment with the blood test and the ultrasound. So it turns out that I am pretty healthy. But I do have a slightly high triglyceride level which may cause problems in the future. I was given an appointment to see the clinic’s nutritionist for seeing how I’d have to adjust. Finally, I got to see my hormonal level which were going to indicate what was going. In the craziest of results it turned out I have abnormally low testosterone levels. I was actually asked if I was already taking anything but nope I wasn’t. It had also turned out I was showing symptoms of low T in the first place so it was decided to actually take advantage of the situation and actually skip the use of spirolactane. I was directly prescribed hormone injections and a light T blocker as well. I then went on to ask tons of questions on HRT, the types of medication, blockers, risks, alternate treatments, etc. on the matter and thankfully every single one was answered. I signed the final consent form and was given the script. Soon after I went to their pharmacy to pick up the necessary pills for the treatment and was told that they were in a shortage and couldn’t supply the injections. Not much of a problem, because I was able to buy the first dose at a nearby pharmacy. I get home, seeing the script, the boxes of blockers and doses I needed. It hit me, I was starting HRT. I took the first pill and tried to figure out how I’d take the first injection. I was very excited that day. For the next couple of days I didn’t really feel much from the blockers, and since these weren’t spiro the effect is very subtle. Although I do get a little extra irritable in the mornings.
After being too scared to do it myself, I decided to go back to the clinic and see if I could get it done for me, much to my happiness they did. It was a simple injection and I left and went on skating. There wasn’t much of an effect but I was feeling something. The following days it was a pill every 24 hours which by the way is both a blocker and a slight dose of hormones. Every day goes by and I feel different. Not in an obvious way but for the first time I actually feel ok. Like, there’s this feeling that I used to have that made me over stressed and horrible and now I feel normal. As I’m writing this it’s been a bit more than some two weeks since I’ve begun treatment and I do feel some effects. For one, and the most obvious, my sex drive has dropped abysmally. As a matter of fact I haven’t been able to draw much adult artwork lately because of this, but it really doesn’t bother me because I wasn’t even using it for any other reason. Haha. On the other, I have felt moments where I feel just a little sore on the chest, but there’s not a lot of visible growth yet…but I swear I do feel a little more “cushioned” in that area when I lay face down on my bed. Definitely not much has changed since I’m still just starting, but I am feeling so much better right now. I’m absolutely hoping things will work out fine later in life. I understand the luck I have in some ways and try not to be pushy about them. I know I can look androgynous and possibly even pass without hormones, I know my situation of friends and family have turned out to be more supportive than I had imagined, but what I am afraid of is time. In the later years I don’t know whether I’d be able to continue with passing, or if life will get harder, or if an accident occurs that could ruin it all. The thing is that I want to be ready and able to fend for myself at the right time should it happen. I’m constantly told how brave I am in this and how fast it’s been for me, but I have to say it’s not very easy for me either. I get stares whether or not I’m trying to pass, people openly debate what my gender is without considering to just ask me, and the sweeps and chest glances are so obvious. I did mention before that I didn’t mind much on being deadnamed or misgendered but now it feels like they’ve been beginning to gain their weight on me. All of my friends actively do their efforts to ensure they gender and name me correctly but my family doesn’t seem to be 100% on board in the matter. As of now though, I am glad to say that I finally opened a bank account and will be able to have full access to my paypal funds. Which means commissions will actually help fund my transition and I am very grateful to everyone who has commissioned me because of this very reason. Thank you all for the incredible support, I will be continuing on this journey as well as be bringing out my best of artwork for you.