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How Am I Doing?
7 years ago
So recently, I made a post over on my Twitter that left some who follow it wondering if I'm doing okay. Short answer is no, I'm not really doing okay; if anyone knows me, they'll know that I have a tendency to be hard on myself anytime I make a mistake or do something that winds up hurting someone close to me. Well, that happened recently, a complete accident on my part, but still, one where I should've known better and has now left me with a lot of concerning thoughts and feelings, as well as those of a dark manner.
Now, maybe I shouldn't be feeling this way, maybe I'm overreacting, being over-dramatic some might say or feel; maybe they're right. But it's never a good feeling knowing that you hurt one or multiple people you've known, been friends with, cared about or associated with for many years. And now the dark thoughts start to creep in: will you be forgiven? will you be looked at or treated differently? would you be welcomed back? do you matter? would they care? those are some of the thoughts as well as the ones I posted in the the twitter post that are hovering around my head right now.
I'm not mad at anyone, I'm mad at myself, I need to be completely clear on this, I don't want anyone who reads this to go seeking out anyone, thinking that someone did me wrong. This is 100 PERCENT ON ME, I know I made a mistake and I know that people have a reason to be upset with me, think differently of me, hell, maybe not even trust me now. And that's why I'm feeling the way I've been, I hate the notion that I hurt those closest to me, even accidentally, and it's a feeling that tends to linger in the back of my head while it goes on.
That's been the biggest issue, but I won't lie, I've been frustrated besides that already, the holidays are depressing me as it is, the struggles of trying to find a new job; I admittedly dunno what to do with myself now after having spent almost 10 years at the same job, I'm not sure if I want to go back into retail, yet alone where I'd want to go. I worry I'd find a job that would ultimately stress or depress me worse than I tend to from time to time, but besides that, I wouldn't know what I'd be good at doing, where I'd be suited to, things like that. And because of the job struggles, I'm not sure I'd be able to give anyone close to me or my family, anything gift-wise, which I'd feel disappointed in doing so. I've also been feeling less than happy about my role as an artist, I feel like my art just isn't appealing, isn't worth asking about, checking out, or anything of that matter. Along with all the feelings I've been dealing with concerning my mistakes, I've had thoughts about wiping my gallery clean, and just not being here as an artist, I've felt like a disappointment in that department too, disappointing as a friend, disappointing as an artist, disappointing as just an overall individual.
I'm not sure if bringing this up here is the right decision, I'm not sure if anyone's going to listen, or care, or think that I'm just complaining or something, but at the time, I feel that it may just be better to get it out in the open rather than keep it to myself, but I don't know anymore these days. So yeah, again, no one has done anything to me, I'm the one who did everything, all the mistakes are mine and mine alone, so I guess I'll have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.
We'll see what happens. Sorry for this being lengthy also. Bye for now.
Now, maybe I shouldn't be feeling this way, maybe I'm overreacting, being over-dramatic some might say or feel; maybe they're right. But it's never a good feeling knowing that you hurt one or multiple people you've known, been friends with, cared about or associated with for many years. And now the dark thoughts start to creep in: will you be forgiven? will you be looked at or treated differently? would you be welcomed back? do you matter? would they care? those are some of the thoughts as well as the ones I posted in the the twitter post that are hovering around my head right now.
I'm not mad at anyone, I'm mad at myself, I need to be completely clear on this, I don't want anyone who reads this to go seeking out anyone, thinking that someone did me wrong. This is 100 PERCENT ON ME, I know I made a mistake and I know that people have a reason to be upset with me, think differently of me, hell, maybe not even trust me now. And that's why I'm feeling the way I've been, I hate the notion that I hurt those closest to me, even accidentally, and it's a feeling that tends to linger in the back of my head while it goes on.
That's been the biggest issue, but I won't lie, I've been frustrated besides that already, the holidays are depressing me as it is, the struggles of trying to find a new job; I admittedly dunno what to do with myself now after having spent almost 10 years at the same job, I'm not sure if I want to go back into retail, yet alone where I'd want to go. I worry I'd find a job that would ultimately stress or depress me worse than I tend to from time to time, but besides that, I wouldn't know what I'd be good at doing, where I'd be suited to, things like that. And because of the job struggles, I'm not sure I'd be able to give anyone close to me or my family, anything gift-wise, which I'd feel disappointed in doing so. I've also been feeling less than happy about my role as an artist, I feel like my art just isn't appealing, isn't worth asking about, checking out, or anything of that matter. Along with all the feelings I've been dealing with concerning my mistakes, I've had thoughts about wiping my gallery clean, and just not being here as an artist, I've felt like a disappointment in that department too, disappointing as a friend, disappointing as an artist, disappointing as just an overall individual.
I'm not sure if bringing this up here is the right decision, I'm not sure if anyone's going to listen, or care, or think that I'm just complaining or something, but at the time, I feel that it may just be better to get it out in the open rather than keep it to myself, but I don't know anymore these days. So yeah, again, no one has done anything to me, I'm the one who did everything, all the mistakes are mine and mine alone, so I guess I'll have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.
We'll see what happens. Sorry for this being lengthy also. Bye for now.
I still remember saying something to someone, in the circle of people that show up to Metal's streams, that I shouldn't have, it was taken in a way I didn't mean and I still feel bad about it. I know it affected my relationship with a few people and all those thoughts you have had crept in on me too and I don't think I can ever fix it unfortunately apologies only go so far. After that I stayed away from Metal's streams for a long time and popped back on later, people were friendly but I still felt bad and I don't know if the damage will ever truely be fixed at least in my head.