So yesterday I caught myself smiling. I have never smiled. I mean, I will laugh at a joke, or when something funny happens... But my normal face is pretty much "Resting murder face" all of the time. I do this because I am tall and I intimidate people... I walk fast and have a thousand yard stare from all the stuff I have been through and it keeps people from ever approaching me or talking to me and that's how I have wanted it for a long time.

As a Christian and knowing my Creator, the last decade has been God working in me to fix all of the trauma I suffered as a child. The rejection, violence. Wrong beliefs I held onto with a deathgrip... That were, well, wrong. And making me miserable. It's been hard and it has sucked, I won't lie. I've been off all prescription medication for depression and anxiety for over 20 years and I have never been happier.

Catching myself smiling just because I am happy and in a good mood is something that I can honestly say has never happened in my life. At least, not like this. In all my 39 years. I am discovering the person I was supposed to be had this evil world never gotten it's cruel hands on me and twisted me up when I was growing.

Anyway I guess I said all that to say this. Whatever you're going through... It gets better. I used to take drugs until I felt numb, anything to escape the pain of being me. Of being alive. I took comfort when I was a teenager sleeping with a loaded rifle, it's muzzle under my chin. I cut my skin to feel any kind of pain, to distract me from the pain in my soul, in my being.

It gets better.

Don't give up.

Keep fighting. You will NOT have to endure this forever. Do NOT kill yourself. Don't commit suicide. (Do yourself a favor. Stop thinking about it. Thoughts give it power. Give no power to the weakness of giving up. Soon, you will rise up. Soon, you will stand on your own. Soon.)

If you told me I would... actually be happy with what I have (And it's not much... Not valuable) and just... be happy in general a year ago I would have given you the stinkeye and laughed. God is restoring all things... And I know, for a fact, that He loves every one of you like you are the most precious soul in existence. :)