So its a new year, and altho I dont really want this to be a "my new years resolution" post kinda thing, because I dont really like that whole resolution thing because most people dont really follow through with them. They say they want to change but then just follow the same trends and habits. And well even if I were gonna say "im gonna be a whole new person" I know that wouldnt truly be the case, even best case scenario im still me. So instead I want this to be how I see myself moving forward in the coming year.

Obviously alot happened last year, and a good portion of it was life changing for me. Just in the latter half of the year so very much happened, from the losses of good friends, the hectic life of being a person with extreme anxieties trying to find a source of income. The drama that has been stirred up regarding me and many other members of this community. Alot happened. And now that some of the muddyness in the water has settled I can look forward and start to try to figure things out, And see the paths ahead of me.

My problems, my major problems these last few years is ive been stagnant, I have practically made no real progress in my life towards where I want to be. And no real progress on overcoming my shortcomings like my anxieties and things that cause me depression, and instead ive been just avoiding dealing with this and surrounding myself with whatever I could to distract myself from it all. Some people do drugs, Some people drink, Some people look to gangs or other places for their solace. For me I found mine on telegram, and with video games. I sat here at my desk and would play games, or chat on telegram. And the problem with any of these previously mentioned things is that they all have drastically negative side effects. The side effects that affected me was I became gullible, overly trusting of people I met online, And I let my open minded-ness become a weakness which was cut so deep that my values and my moral compass was forgone and I forgot who I was inside, and instead became something I hated.

When all the things that happened in the last few months with all this drama happened, I started going back to therapy. And some very great friends and family picked me up and worked with me to get me back on my feet again. And in doing so I was reminded of what those values of mine were, And reminded of the path I want to be on. Quite frankly it was the rude awakening I think I needed.

And now that I have for the most part recovered, Altho not completely, I have given much thought towards where I want to be going in the future. Who do I want to be? Who Am I now? And where do I want to take myself in life. And to do this we have to reflect on the past, and look at our surroundings.

And part of that, the part I really am writing this all out on here today. Is my past as a furry.
I became a furry sometime around 2010-2014 ish, depending on what you might classify as a "furry". When I first started RPing on DA many many many years ago, I didnt know what a "furry" was, I didnt really care. The RPs I did were simple SFW RPs of me and others as wolves. See I discovered DA when I was young because I had one day stumbled on chat rooms, and decided to see if I could find one for artists, because when I was young I desperately strived to be an artist and to write books and illustrate for my books. So I found that website, and when I browsed the chats I saw one that was called something along the lines of "wolfspack RP" or something like that, And altho I had never formally rped before, I had done plenty of "playing pretend" so to speak with friends, So the concept quickly latched onto me and I was hooked.
This was at a time in my life that honestly I had no real friends to count on. I had the occassional playmate here or there. A person I might be able to go visits house once every so many weeks or so, but no one I could consistantly hang out with or anything like that because my parents were, well a bit over protective to say the least.

What I found in the fandom were the friends I needed, and over those first few years I was inspired to create, my artwork flurished and I quickly got better and better always trying new techniques and my social skills got better aswell. I learned how to not be shy online, how to stand up for myself a bit and just in general how to connect with people in ways I had never really done before outside of my family members. I even met some of the first people I ever had real relationships with on there. But as we know all things eventually come to an end, and due to some, well what was in retrospect very Furry stereotypical drama, the chat was closed. And altho many of its members quickly moved on to other similar chats that existed. There was part of all of us that died that day I think, and those new chats never really lasted as long and from what I can tell none of them exist to this day.

My furry life slowly started to fade. outside of the occasional refrence in my profiles online, such as having my sona be my profile picture or the occasional anthro drawing now and then. After this chat closed I didnt really have any furry friends. Until the day I did meet some real life friends, After moving I made some new friends at my new school. And these were in all honesty my first real friends, friends who cared about me as much as I cared for them. Friends who supported me and who I could support. Not just the occasional playmate or hangout kinda friend but the kinda friend that you would actively want to spend time with just because it was them kinda thing. And my best friend at the time slowly started talking to my at the time ex, who was also from those old chatrooms. And because of our kindling of friendship we converted them to a furry and suddenly I had something furry in my life again. A reason to relate. And one thing led to another and soon we had two furries other than me in our tight friendgroup. And as years passed things got much better for me. I still was super awkward and kinda the school wierdo. But I wasnt afraid of being myself anymore because I always knew I had my wierdo friend to watch my back and keep me up and up. But again, things changed. I moved away.

After moving away again, I was left with that void where that friend had been. Of course we stayed in touch, And are still in touch to this very day but things got distant between us, becuase well litterally there was distance between us. And slowly they stopped being so interested in the games I was playing, and stuff so we stopped hanging out online outside of skype calls or whatever once and awhile. Twice I did fly back to my old hometown to hang out with these old friends and both times we went to some local furry conventions. And around this time I really felt the magic of being a furry. Suddenly all those years of chatting and RPing came back to me, and I desperately wanted to rekindle it. So I started talking more with my old RP friend and Rping with them alot more. But I could never find that social outlet I needed.

Without going too much into detail, I was a mess at my new school. Starting over in the new world that was highschool didnt go well for me, and this only worsened my social anxieties, And I should mention I also skipped over some more traumatic experiences, that also strengthened these, for sake of I dont want this to get too ranty (well at least not worst than it is already)
So I desperately started to seek out a new social outlet. And aswell, Altho I dont want to go into detail about it due to the more sexual nature of it and me not beliving in talking about sexual things in public when its personal like this. I had a bit of a "coming out" or realization of something I was which I was kinda scared of, I found out I was different, Or at least was certainly not like my friends. And because I loved and trusted my friends, I brought it up with them, too... well I cant say resounding success. None of my friends really understood it. They didnt necassarilly judge me for it, at least not to a point where they would of been offending me. But they didnt really "support" me either. So this drew me to looking for new outlets so I could talk to people like me. this led me to telegram.

Telegram changed me, Because it gave me that social outlet again. At first It was small, a very small group here and there of small communities I could relate too and who understood me because they were just like me. But then I started getting confident about this subject and I joined bigger and bigger groups. And well, remember what I said about too much of a good thing? I think that was the case with this. I became so absorbed in this environment that not only had I accomplished my goal of accepting this change in who I was, but I started getting complacent with it, treating it like it wasnt a big deal and like anything else that might change in me wouldnt be either. And then, weather it be karma or just coincidence or just bad luck. I became admin in a few of these chats, and through being admin I met the other admins of these chats. And I was proud of my position and wouldnt want to give it up, so part of me imediately tried to befriend most of these people. To my own downfall because little did I know at the time what kind of people they were, and I think that if at the time I had realized it, I would of done something sooner.

I think what happened from there has already been talked about enough. So I wont go into it here as this is already horrendously long.

The other aspect of me that changed due to being on telegram, is that I started looking at art differently. Now to me it wasnt about the creations, it wasnt about the "Art" in the pictures, It started becoming more social, more comercialized. I started looking at buying my first pieces of art, not because I thought I wanted something beautiful but because everyone else was doing it, so I should buy art too. I started drawing art not because I enjoyed it and wanted to continue to stretch my wings as an artist, but because I wanted to show off and monetize my work. Art started to become a job to me, I started buying better programs for it, and better devices to do it with. I started advertising my works more online and I started drawing sexual art for the fact I knew it sold better than nonsexual. I turned my skills in drawing ferals I had slowly built up for years into a pseudo business so I could continue affording to get my own art. And this was really draining to me. Something that once brought me joy was now adding to my stress and depression.

And most recently the most recent change ive had, is my outlook on the fandom. Not just because of what directly has happened to me. But what I see others in this fandom doing. And how this fandom truly has become something completely different than the one I was in almost 10 years ago. A prime example of this is, I think anyone who has been in the fandom as long as me will agree when they say, that they used to defend for the absolute life of them the fandom whenever someone would say "furries are just a fetish" or whatever. And I was certainly like that, I would argue for hours with someone if I could about the subject. But in ultra-reality. Even young kid me couldnt argue that anymore with any dream to win. Furries Are a fetish. Plain and simple. Every popular fursuiter you see, probably has sex in their fursuit or at least has used it in some form of sexual exploit like sending nudes or something similar. There are very very few suiters I think left who dont truly at least dabble in the sexual side of things. Of all the artwork in this entire fandom which is created which do you see most often? which is most talked about? is it the gorgeous works of artists like Falvie? The wonderous creations of SFW artist? No. Its porn. Your Adam wans, your Jasonafex your kabiers your raijiis your marjani's and this isnt to the fault of these artists. They are all great creators and they know their market and they know what their audience wants. But as a fandom we are the ones who support the increasing sexual side of the fandom because its what we wanted. And of course it is, most furries are between the ages 20-35 right now which means if they have been in the fandom a few years they likely got into it during a large growth of their sexual side as they became adults who truely understood and respected sex and fetishes and kinks and started wanting to participate in these things. So of course a fandom like us growing so quickly with so many young adults would have a rapidly growing sexual side which in turn is slowly becoming the main side. And maybe after another ten or so years things will go back to a more SFW side of things, but we cant deny that as a fandom if things arnt sexualized no one really cares anymore.

I can simply prove this with the fact that over the last years i havnt been introduced to, or found even one single feral related RP chat. Not one. And this isnt from lack of looking, ive scoured all over telegram, ive asked around in some of the biggest feral related chats. Nothing. Because people dont care for SFW stories, they care about getting off.

And this saddens me.

So when I look back and reflect at myself, and my environment. I see two unhealthy things. I see myself being antisocial, full of anxiety and depression. And I see myself in a fandom that no longer supports me, and is no longer interested in showing compassion and care because its too round up in sexualizing its entirety while simultaneously attacking anyone who doesnt share with specific cookie cutter ideals. Which to me is outrageously ironic from a fandom that started because it excepted outcasts, it was known for being wierd and outlandish because it welcomed the wierdos the loners the outcasts with open arms and never judged them for it. The entire reason we as furries are so popular and have so many wierd ass fetishes floating around that almost no non furries understand (like hyper, vore, ect) is because we accepted these people into our fandom long ago and they have made their place in it. Which to me isnt really a bad thing. But whats rediculess is now we have decided we arnt going to do that anymore and instead are going to stop being openminded and start ridiculing each other for not being the same as each other. Everyone acts like they have some upstanding moral code or authority over everyone else and its only causing more and more drama each year. So when I look at this fandom I dont see myself having as much of a place in it as I used too, I dont even really WANT to be associated with this vile and twisted thing its becoming. Because as ive matured and when I look through mature eyes at what this fandom is. I just see childish bickering and squabbles caused because people think they are in the right. And the things that I loved about this fandom... Arnt as common anymore because for every welcoming happy open minded person you meet, you meet multiple closeminded people who will be more than happy to verbally assault you just for sharing an opinion that could be as simple as saying you like pepsi more than coke.

So what im really getting at here I guess in this really long ramble. Is that I think for the time being. Im going to distance myself from this fandom. I know I cant really "leave" im not one of those people who thinks its so simple as just saying "hey im not a furry anymore" and that being that. I have too much stake in this fandom, ive spent too many years in it to say I dont want to be in it. But I dont want to be associated with what the fandom is now, and over these last years I have been to an unhealthy extent and so to better myself I need to distance myself from part of what has been dragging me down. So I will still enjoy the artwork the fandom creates, or the animations or movies that are athro themed or whatever. I will still be a "furry" but I wont be flaunting it like I used too. And I think artistically I will be limiting the strictly furry related art I will be doing and purchasing, outside of pieces for friends.
I could be pretentious and say this fandom has a problem, or be even more hypocritical than I already sound by saying that furries are ruining this fandom. But in general I think it was said best when it was said "Furries Ruin Everything" Because time and time again this is proven to be the case. Especially among ourselves.

I might still occasionally post here and there on here. But I dont have any plans on selling anymore artwork. And I plan on making my art that I am doing personalized again rather than so generic and commercialized.

As far as RPs go, I have no real intentions on joining any public RP chats anymore because I just dont find sexual RPs interesting anymore and if I do find myself in the mood I drather be spending the effort with friends than with strangers. If any large scale SFW Rp servers pop up or are brought to my attention I might pop in just for nostalgia sake.


Lastly as far as real life goes, I like to keep my real life mostly just to myself. But I will say I will be looking for some new artistic outputs, New social outlets so I can hopefully oneday rid myself of my social anxiety once and for all. And I will be trying to put myself in a place where I can self sustain myself indefinitely as an adult.


To everyone who made it this far, Happy new year, Best of luck in 2019 I hope each and every one of you can learn from my mistakes and see the importance of being able to reflect on your past to better your future. And I wish you all happy days :)