I try not to really vent online. I really try not to talk much online at all really, especially here because this is not what people are here for.

So I've been my mom's full time caregiver the past six years. We started her on an in-home hospice care last month. Today after struggling with her oxygen for about two weeks, her nurse told me she has end stage COPD. She's had COPD for over a decade, but as far as I heard which was spring or summer, it was at the moderate stage.

I guess her nurse just found out today. I was having a really rough time with keeping mom's oxygen stable yesterday. Calling the hospice's office constantly, texting and calling her usual nurse the whole day. I'm just shocked things got so bad so quick.

I can barely hold a conversation with her anymore because of the medications they have her on. She hardly drinks, hardly eats... She wasn't very indepedent before, but she's pretty much lost all of it now.

Once she got her oxygen level stable last night I was just drawing silly requests for a blog to take my mind off things and relax, and now I feel selfish and horrible about that now.

I really don't know what to do. We've been the black sheep in the family for so long. I did get a hold of one of my aunts. I cannot get a hold of my sister. I don't know her number, I don't know where she lives. We're not friends on facebook, but I did shoot her a message there so I hope she responds to it. She does fuck all but dick around on facebook all day, so hope she sees it soon.

This is so heartbreaking. My mom and I have been together through a lot of bad shit. I just kicked my horrible aunt out late November, I really wanted Mom to enjoy life now and I feel like I failed her.

My mom's regular nurse has been amazing. Really kind lady. This one RN they have on staff has been so... fucking flippant with me. He's like "Oh, her pulse-oxygen meter isn't working" but it works fine when I test it on myself. Yesterday I was on the phone with him for half an hour and he was like, "Well, you said she's not eating or drinking a lot, maybe she's dehydrated. That'll make her O2 low." I am probably thinking the worst about people given the situation, but it's like, did he know and just not tell me? Her nurse today said it was on her file. Like, did he just not check or know? How did no one tell me this before hand? They kept telling her they've had people on their hospice for years. Did they just found out today or something? I'm probably wrongfully mad.

We usually have someone out here every day. I don't know what happened, and now I'm sitting here trying to decide on if I have the courage to go through with signing a DNR. I am so fucking angry at my family not being there for her like they should have been, especially my aunt who treated her (well, and me too but I don't have a life threatening disease) like shit.

I really feel like I failed my mom by not giving her a better life. I really wanted these next few years to be good for her and I don't even know if she has a few more months or even days. She lost two brothers this past year, one being last month. She's been through so much shit her whole life, and I wanted it to be good now.

If you see this posted in multiple places, I am so sorry. I am just feeling lost I guess and want people to know some of what I'm going through. I know it seems attention grabby. Maybe get advice. I don't want to burden people, but I feel so scared and alone.