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Did I Doo'd A Dumb? & A Humbling New Understanding
7 years ago
There is no gift more precious or rare in this world than true love. Treasure those who share it with you.
Hullo all of you sexy people!
I write this because I feel I may need to clarify something in my previous journal- a bit of a misstatement maybe on my part -also, something I've been needing to say, just from me.
I suppose I should offer a bit of a Trigger Warning. As this does get rather emotional and it does deal with some very sensitive and personal issues for me, my lover and family and for some of you fine people, I'm willing to bet, if you're having an emotional day already, you may want to back out now. No shame in it. Good on yer. *smiles*
*exhales heavily* Okay, I should say a very heartfelt "thank you" to those of you who've been so supportive of me in both comments and private notes. That's been rather kind of you. To know that my work and my generally goofy ass has managed to touch people that much has been rather humbling and also eye-opening in a way. *head tilts, smirks* Then again, that's kind of what this is all about.
Though I do plan on opening another page, I should clarify that that is for a seperate project, altogether. (Up your shaft, "Separate", I'm spelling it MY way!) Yes, I was rather upset when I wrote the previous journal a week ago but that was only coincidental. *hands up* I was planning on this new project for some time now. You might say that my work, The Work, has been building to it, after a fashion.
This page, the current one you are on, "Ashleyfableblack" is NOT going anywhere. Oh HELL no. *shakes her head energetically* HAaAaAYALL no. Are you MAD? *laughs* My gangsta-ass homies, I have WAY too much love for what I do and for your fantastic asses to ever stop dropping big fat hug-bombs on you all here. Not to mention- *big eyes* My Satanic, Sweet Sexy-momma
Sanita_Squirrel is scheduled to have a new friend for us both to meet sometime next damned month and I've got dozens, literally, DOZENS, of comics about our lovey-dovey, Satan-hailing, oh-holy-hell-I'm-gonna-be-a-momma times together to post up here before I get to meet him, I hope.
And on to that point...
*rubs her neck*
You know, when I started posting up the comics I have about us, Sanita and I, our blossoming relationship and the pregnancy I never really considered what that might mean to some of you fine people, only to us, though mostly, only to me. Being what I am, a "herm", I've long been rather aggravated by much of the "herm" artwork... ugh*eye rolls*... I see on this and other websites. Being this thing that I am, it's not some happy game of sexy-pretend. It's real, with some really unpleasant side-points that I get to look at. I won't get into all that Venom here but one of those is that I have been told for years by several specialists that I would never have a family of my own. Never. The anatomy I'm configured with can neither carry nor create in another a little one. I am a genetic cul-de-sac. *snofts* Yay.... *jazz-hands* And believe me, I have tested that hypothesis many, many, many, many times with more people than I can recall, all with similar results.
Then I meet her and, Well, THIS begins. What Sanita has shared with me- it's changed a huge amount of perspective for me. A tonal shift of practically everything, WHO I am. What she's given me, I can never understate in scope or span because I'M still figuring this all out *laughs* Every day I think about it, her, us, the three of us, I feel some new thing I have to examine and try to make sense out of with no real point of reference.
But I never considered what it meant to you. *points* You lovely people. I never thought that what we have, our relationship, little Edgar, could be so much more to so many others.
I never thought that we could be a symbol of hope.
Over the last few months I've received several notes from different couples in similar situations as ours. Somehow this information has even made it to a few of my accounts on other sites. Lesbian couples, Transwomen and their partners, A few intersexed individuals, like myself, folkes very much in love and very much happy together but absolutely crushed by sadness, outrage, guilt and even shame because they also knew that they either couldn't naturally have a little one of their own or the law itself wasn't allowing them that through blocking adoption. *ahem* Fuck THAT, by the way...
No names, named, as always, lovely people but, to offer a bit of understanding I'd like to share with you a few small samples...
"You keep hearing it from people, so much you get sick of it. 'Oh well. People like you can always adopt, you know? Sometimes I feel like I'm worthless because I know I'll never be able to give her that. She wants SO badly to be a mother but I can't provide her with that, one of the biggest parts of life for plenty of women. Seeing that you two can pull it off makes me so happy every time I read one of your comics"
"When I think of you two and your beautiful little bundle on the way it make me feel like maybe we can have a chance at that too."
"Seeing how happy you two can be makes me think that maybe I'm not going to be so lonely forever, you know? Maybe things will work out and there's someone out there who'll love me as I am, even if I can't give them a Bio-fam."
"I was thinking how shit it all was when we lost (her). Fuck everything. The doctor said we could try again but it wouldn't matter. I just can't give her a family. I almost thought it'd be worth it to just end things, not burden her with me any more. Then I just happened upon you through a friend of a friend on DA and I saw you and your squirrel-girl.The things you've posted up, seeing someone who GETS IT, understands what it's like to not be a part of everything, how it feels so cut off, like you're not real, even, like the world doesn't see you as a person, you're just an IT, a fucking thing, and you two can make it happen. You two can pull it off in this ugly fucking world. It makes me feel like we can make it happen too. Thank you for everything you do here."
This is rather humbling to say the least. Shaming even, when I consider the stupid things that can depress me or rile me up- make me forget, even for a fucking moment, how unbelievably fortunate I am to have the wonderful life that I do, with the wonderful family that I do.
I never thought that what I was doing would matter so much. I just draw things. I make comics about what I feel, life and the way I see the world. I always wanted to reach out to folkes, sure, maybe help them through hard times but- I never considered how much we, "US", might touch other people's lives. I never thought that just loving someone, honestly and openly, could reach out and touch others all on it's own.
We REALLY ARE One Big Tapestry. Just a big mess of threads, colours and images. Maybe individually, we can only see what a mess we are, just a little knotted up ball of string. Our little strings on their own don't seem to add up to that much ...but they really are connected, aren't they?
I can't wait to see how the picture comes out.
I'm not going anywhere. How in the fuck could I?
Don't any of you lovely things go anywhere either, okay? *points*
One World. One Love. Ave Lucifer.
I write this because I feel I may need to clarify something in my previous journal- a bit of a misstatement maybe on my part -also, something I've been needing to say, just from me.
I suppose I should offer a bit of a Trigger Warning. As this does get rather emotional and it does deal with some very sensitive and personal issues for me, my lover and family and for some of you fine people, I'm willing to bet, if you're having an emotional day already, you may want to back out now. No shame in it. Good on yer. *smiles*
*exhales heavily* Okay, I should say a very heartfelt "thank you" to those of you who've been so supportive of me in both comments and private notes. That's been rather kind of you. To know that my work and my generally goofy ass has managed to touch people that much has been rather humbling and also eye-opening in a way. *head tilts, smirks* Then again, that's kind of what this is all about.
Though I do plan on opening another page, I should clarify that that is for a seperate project, altogether. (Up your shaft, "Separate", I'm spelling it MY way!) Yes, I was rather upset when I wrote the previous journal a week ago but that was only coincidental. *hands up* I was planning on this new project for some time now. You might say that my work, The Work, has been building to it, after a fashion.
This page, the current one you are on, "Ashleyfableblack" is NOT going anywhere. Oh HELL no. *shakes her head energetically* HAaAaAYALL no. Are you MAD? *laughs* My gangsta-ass homies, I have WAY too much love for what I do and for your fantastic asses to ever stop dropping big fat hug-bombs on you all here. Not to mention- *big eyes* My Satanic, Sweet Sexy-momma
Sanita_Squirrel is scheduled to have a new friend for us both to meet sometime next damned month and I've got dozens, literally, DOZENS, of comics about our lovey-dovey, Satan-hailing, oh-holy-hell-I'm-gonna-be-a-momma times together to post up here before I get to meet him, I hope. And on to that point...
*rubs her neck*
You know, when I started posting up the comics I have about us, Sanita and I, our blossoming relationship and the pregnancy I never really considered what that might mean to some of you fine people, only to us, though mostly, only to me. Being what I am, a "herm", I've long been rather aggravated by much of the "herm" artwork... ugh*eye rolls*... I see on this and other websites. Being this thing that I am, it's not some happy game of sexy-pretend. It's real, with some really unpleasant side-points that I get to look at. I won't get into all that Venom here but one of those is that I have been told for years by several specialists that I would never have a family of my own. Never. The anatomy I'm configured with can neither carry nor create in another a little one. I am a genetic cul-de-sac. *snofts* Yay.... *jazz-hands* And believe me, I have tested that hypothesis many, many, many, many times with more people than I can recall, all with similar results.
Then I meet her and, Well, THIS begins. What Sanita has shared with me- it's changed a huge amount of perspective for me. A tonal shift of practically everything, WHO I am. What she's given me, I can never understate in scope or span because I'M still figuring this all out *laughs* Every day I think about it, her, us, the three of us, I feel some new thing I have to examine and try to make sense out of with no real point of reference.
But I never considered what it meant to you. *points* You lovely people. I never thought that what we have, our relationship, little Edgar, could be so much more to so many others.
I never thought that we could be a symbol of hope.
Over the last few months I've received several notes from different couples in similar situations as ours. Somehow this information has even made it to a few of my accounts on other sites. Lesbian couples, Transwomen and their partners, A few intersexed individuals, like myself, folkes very much in love and very much happy together but absolutely crushed by sadness, outrage, guilt and even shame because they also knew that they either couldn't naturally have a little one of their own or the law itself wasn't allowing them that through blocking adoption. *ahem* Fuck THAT, by the way...
No names, named, as always, lovely people but, to offer a bit of understanding I'd like to share with you a few small samples...
"You keep hearing it from people, so much you get sick of it. 'Oh well. People like you can always adopt, you know? Sometimes I feel like I'm worthless because I know I'll never be able to give her that. She wants SO badly to be a mother but I can't provide her with that, one of the biggest parts of life for plenty of women. Seeing that you two can pull it off makes me so happy every time I read one of your comics"
"When I think of you two and your beautiful little bundle on the way it make me feel like maybe we can have a chance at that too."
"Seeing how happy you two can be makes me think that maybe I'm not going to be so lonely forever, you know? Maybe things will work out and there's someone out there who'll love me as I am, even if I can't give them a Bio-fam."
"I was thinking how shit it all was when we lost (her). Fuck everything. The doctor said we could try again but it wouldn't matter. I just can't give her a family. I almost thought it'd be worth it to just end things, not burden her with me any more. Then I just happened upon you through a friend of a friend on DA and I saw you and your squirrel-girl.The things you've posted up, seeing someone who GETS IT, understands what it's like to not be a part of everything, how it feels so cut off, like you're not real, even, like the world doesn't see you as a person, you're just an IT, a fucking thing, and you two can make it happen. You two can pull it off in this ugly fucking world. It makes me feel like we can make it happen too. Thank you for everything you do here."
This is rather humbling to say the least. Shaming even, when I consider the stupid things that can depress me or rile me up- make me forget, even for a fucking moment, how unbelievably fortunate I am to have the wonderful life that I do, with the wonderful family that I do.
I never thought that what I was doing would matter so much. I just draw things. I make comics about what I feel, life and the way I see the world. I always wanted to reach out to folkes, sure, maybe help them through hard times but- I never considered how much we, "US", might touch other people's lives. I never thought that just loving someone, honestly and openly, could reach out and touch others all on it's own.
We REALLY ARE One Big Tapestry. Just a big mess of threads, colours and images. Maybe individually, we can only see what a mess we are, just a little knotted up ball of string. Our little strings on their own don't seem to add up to that much ...but they really are connected, aren't they?
I can't wait to see how the picture comes out.
I'm not going anywhere. How in the fuck could I?
Don't any of you lovely things go anywhere either, okay? *points*
One World. One Love. Ave Lucifer.
THIS