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I need a favor from y'all
6 years ago
I need you to do me a favor and click this link. No, it's not a trick.
https://m.imgur.com/gallery/zMqNbfx
Go ahead and give those memes a good looking over.
Apply them to yourself, most of them, perhaps even all of them.
I know that life is a grinder that eats people up and forces us to deal with trauma sometimes on the daily, like hot lava in our hands, we don't know what to do, most of the time, other times, we do the complete wrong thing, and we can end up feeling like a total failure...
But those feelings are just feelings. That voice in your head telling you that you're ugly... Or worthless... It's a mean bastard. And it's ONLY job is to constantly put you down. What kind of job is that? Because that's all he can do is lie to you and bring you down. SO don't listen to that voice...
I know a lot of you hate God and that's okay. God can take it. We blame God for everything bad, at least, that's something I struggle with.
But the truth is that God gave us this planet, He gave us life, and He gave us the ability to give Him the finger and screw this world, animals, and other people up, and guess what, that's exactly what "we" did.
So hate people, right? Well, no. We can identify as non human, but the truth is, we are all human, unless someone's pet dog is staring at this screen and suddenly can read.
No, even down to the most evil, hideous twisted and evil person, that person was broken so terribly at one point in their lives, that they were unable to recover, and that little voice whispering vile lies in their head convinced them that humans had no worth, animals had no value, and this world was a shitty place. All of those things are lies...
I know, because I used to be a shitty person. I still kinda am. I am a lot better today, and I have learned a lot about myself. I shame myself a lot. I even hate myself, sometimes. I feel like a failure, in spite of the evidence to the contrary (I own one business, am starting another, i own land, vehicles, I have, or had everything I ever wanted, and I even have a tractor! I worked through hell to get what I own, i suffered for years to get it.)
Terrible things were done to me as a child, and I swallowed it all. I took it all inside and let it eat away the tender parts of me that were capable of love. I turned into a vile, hateful, angry, violent boy who turned into a burnout teenager, who turned into a criminal adult. It took two drug overdoses and a 240LB wolf to get me out of my path of self destruction.
I worked not on my depression, but on myself someone once said depression is a sign that something is wrong. I took meds for depression and they WORKED. And when I couldn't afford them any more, I was back to square one, and i realized, it's only a band aid. But for what?
Battling OCD, Bipolar, depression, and crippling anxiety without meds was, and is hard. But I am working through it... God is helping me. I accepted Jesus when I was very young and God never forgot that. God is showing me in all the ways the wiring in my mind... and soul... was so screwed up. As a child I was forced to deal with sexual trauma, physical trauma, emotional trauma, and even spiritual/religious twisting trauma, all at once, when my young mind literally had zero coping mechanisms. I dealt with it, finding gossamer, fleeting tendrils of peace and enjoyment where I could, but I did a terrible job, really.
If I disassociate myself from myself, and I look at myself as an extremely sensitive, vulnerable little boy, that adults, and even other children took advantage of, treated like I was subhuman, of zero or even negative worth and value, I weep for that child.
Today God is helping me unf*ck my soul. My mind. My terrible, terrible, misogynistic (Women and girls abused me, too. Their cutting words were more vicious and cruel than anything the men and other boys did to me.) and misanthropic thinking I clung to like my eternity depended on it. I was so ferocious holding onto the things that were slowly poisoning my to death I would make a religious fanatic blush. Combine this with a very high IQ and you have a walking hot, melty mess of a human being.
Working through trauma is hard. It's hard as f*ck. It's also agonizingly painful, because you must learn to release and let go all, or most of the things that you got so little pleasure from... Because it's the ONLY pleasure you ever knew, in a sea of dark black wretched suffering. It seems like you'll never be happy... But one good thing I learned is that all of my desires, even the weird ones, are rooted in godly things that God intended for my benefit... But I allowed them to become twisted, far from their proper use, grasping at fleeting enjoyment. But when I let them go, I end up with them returning right back to me... But healed, this time. Healthy. Able to give me more joy than I ever thought was possible.
But I will never get that joy unless I let go. The more I let go, more is returned to me, better, overflowing with goodness.
But most of all, I am learning to let myself go. Growing up in an unhealthy Christian home I was either perfect or I was worthless. And trying to cope with everything else, I pushed it all down. I can't blame my parents, they suffered as children, too. Hurt people... hurt people.
But guess what, I am a fallible, flawed human being who doesn't know everything. Thrust into a world that can be unrelentingly cruel. I need to be merciful to myself. Because I am not perfect. Heck, I am not even really a good person outside of God. Left to my instincts I am frightened and disgusted with the things that seem good. So I cling to a God who has said "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." I work through the agony of self introspection, the cutting of wires and lifelines in my mind and heart, to allow them to be re attached in their proper connections.
Able to truly give love, see people as God intended and not as they are, because we're all a bit of a mess, really, there's no use in trying to hide it.
And if I can tell you, dear reader anything today, it is, forgive yourself. You aren't perfect, although it's fun to believe that about ourselves, it is ultimately self- destructive because it simply isn't true. And, whiel you may not be perfect, you strong badass, you ARE doing the best you can right now, with what you've been given. Give yourself some credit. In fact... You could say you are doing better than anyone else would be doing, if they were "Sitting in your shoes" right now. You are kicking ass... We beat ourselves up for our failures but we NEVER give ourselves credit when we do good. We just... glance over it. Well, that's bullshit, you deserve credit, and you do deserve to be pardoned... By yourself.
One thing I know, and it's stressed in the Bible, is that God does not see us as we are, but rather, as He created us to be. He doesn't see a little boy, teenager, and adult filled with hatred, cursing God with every breath, he sees a sensitive, vulnerable, delicate human being who coped with bad shit the wrong way, and held onto his toxic beliefs with an adamantium deathgrip from hell. Through much suffering, I have begun to let it all go. Even my wrong beliefs about God, which is why I can say, if you hate God, He isn't up there, all offended, or angry. I can't count how many times I cursed God, and IU got real personal about it, too. But, He's waiting... Molding you into the world- changing, wonderful human being you truly are.
I know, because in spite of my best efforts to screw myself, he is still working in me.
Today I have never been happier. It's not a superficial happiness, but one that soaks down into the very essence of my being. It's not something that can be taken away from me. If I lose everything, tomorrow, I can still see a weed poking up from the asphalt and revel in its beauty, and smile.
Yeah, I can still be a dick, and I am aware of that, and I am working on it. The fight is constant, sometimes, and draining. The "Good fight" as the Bible calls it sometimes just feels like a fight. That never goes away... But that's a lie, too. Because this morning I woke up with two wonderful dogs, pressing themselves into me. I woke up with dank memes on my phone, excellent furry art in my inbox, and a cutting plotter I got at a garage sale for fifty bucks (I can make stickers with it, hello side business!)
Dude, life is so wonderful. It's not all the time I get to be aware of how great, and wonderful, and amazing, and mysteriously cool life is, sometimes I feel just the opposite. Thank GOD my feelings do not dictate reality, or the world would be covered in white hot fire on my bad days... And everyone, and everything would be burned up and I would be glad. Yeah, I'm messed up like that, but those days are getting fewer. Less intense. And further between. Without meds, although I could really lay off the booze in the evenings, in fact, starting today, i will.
So, dear readers, ladies, gents, otherkin, take it from a survivor, from a guy who was even bitten (Uh, a few times) by a "real" wolf, it gets better. I do not care if the crisis, nagging depression, hopelessness is whispering vile garbage and has been since you were a kid, it's bullshit. Learn to forgive yourself, see that poor child, filled with hope, and the free-willed people who took it from you, see that child and weep for him. Weep for her. Give yourself a hug, and tell yourself it is Okay. It is okay to be broken, to hurt, it is OKAY TO BE ASHAMED. Because we're all a little warped, we're all a little twisted, and we can work on what ails us, and it definitely is a walk, not a sprint.
Real change happens over time, sometimes excrutiatingly.
Naw, you're alright. You're doing the best you can, and if you saw you, you would see that you are smashing it. You're getting through it. The biggest lie is that it'll last forever. It won't I promise, you have my word on that. If you're considering suicide, please, drop those thoughts. They're toxic. DOn't even joke about, do not flirt with the idea of ending your life, just stop. SO many beautiful, wonderful things like you cannot even comprehend await you. You are forgetting all the good... And focusing on a pain that is killing you. Let it go. It doesn't have to kill you. I find that depression is actually addictive... I also find that everything bad in my life are things, on a level, that I actually want there, invited into my life, and even enjoyed, as they killed me inside.
Hard pill to swallow, but you must. You have come this far, your warrior badass, you survivor, you amazing, wonderful, incredibly tough person, you.
Keep fighting, keep going, keep walking through Hell, because Hell is only so big, the fires will abate, and soon, you will find that all that darkness, the feeling you had to live there, was just a lie. That not everyone is evil, not everyone is out to hurt you. And even those who are, are so torn up and broken inside if you could feel their pain you would weep for them.
I hope this helps, plants a seed in someone's heart. I hope this gives you hope. I am not trying to be religious, I am just sharing a truth I have learned. I know for a fact that Jesus is real, I know for a fact that He loves you so much the word "love" is a pathetic excuse for the true compassion He has for you. I know that Jesus is waiting for you to give Him permission to heal you, and I tell you now, it will not be easy. Now is the time of salvation, my friends, if you call on Jesus at any time He will answer you... But it may take time before you are ready to hear His voice =) I know it took almost 40 years for me.
I pray that everyone reading this has a blessed day, I hope you find joy in something that you never saw joy in before, I hope you get that thing you always wanted, I hope today you see beauty in another human being, not on the outside, but on the inside. I pray you find strength to keep going that never fails you, and never leaves you.
Life is hard, it is scary, but there is hope.
I love you all.
*Edit I wanted to say one of the hardest things to come to terms with was the fact that I was wrong, wrong in how I "felt". I was convinced my feelings were based on some sort of concrete reality that was sovereign- boy was I wrong. Rather than believing whole heartedly in a jumbled up mess of toxic emotions that were constructed by my own ignorance, but a malevolent entity I had a relationship with sure helped lots. Satan is never going to say, "Oh, gee, that'll kill ya, better not do that!" No, he'll throw you head first into the flames as far as you're willing to go. My problem was I didn't really have any limits.
So, thank God for being wrong, dead wrong, and my emotions not equaling reality, or truth. It is a sobering epiphany, but a neccessary one. I am not God, oftentimes I am not in control, and that is okay. And that is a good thing... Because I break stuff. Even inside myself I break stuff. I am glad God is not surprised, confused, angry, or put off by my stupid mistakes, wrong thinking, and doing the dumb thing over and over and over and over and over and over (Did I mention I did it before? Well I'm doing it again. I'm touching the hot stove because getting burned is fun, wait, isn't it?)
God is instead waiting for me to admit I am wrong, admit I cannot change, and say, "Lord, help." His response is never, "No." His response is always, "This is the best way." Sometimes it takes time to hear His voice, though. Sometimes all we hear is silence and think He hates us. There's that lying voice, again. And again, and again.
Anyway, hope today is better than yesterday for you. I hope you consider something positive as you read this, even if only for a moment. I hope you hold onto that little bit of light. You deserve it.
https://m.imgur.com/gallery/zMqNbfx
Go ahead and give those memes a good looking over.
Apply them to yourself, most of them, perhaps even all of them.
I know that life is a grinder that eats people up and forces us to deal with trauma sometimes on the daily, like hot lava in our hands, we don't know what to do, most of the time, other times, we do the complete wrong thing, and we can end up feeling like a total failure...
But those feelings are just feelings. That voice in your head telling you that you're ugly... Or worthless... It's a mean bastard. And it's ONLY job is to constantly put you down. What kind of job is that? Because that's all he can do is lie to you and bring you down. SO don't listen to that voice...
I know a lot of you hate God and that's okay. God can take it. We blame God for everything bad, at least, that's something I struggle with.
But the truth is that God gave us this planet, He gave us life, and He gave us the ability to give Him the finger and screw this world, animals, and other people up, and guess what, that's exactly what "we" did.
So hate people, right? Well, no. We can identify as non human, but the truth is, we are all human, unless someone's pet dog is staring at this screen and suddenly can read.
No, even down to the most evil, hideous twisted and evil person, that person was broken so terribly at one point in their lives, that they were unable to recover, and that little voice whispering vile lies in their head convinced them that humans had no worth, animals had no value, and this world was a shitty place. All of those things are lies...
I know, because I used to be a shitty person. I still kinda am. I am a lot better today, and I have learned a lot about myself. I shame myself a lot. I even hate myself, sometimes. I feel like a failure, in spite of the evidence to the contrary (I own one business, am starting another, i own land, vehicles, I have, or had everything I ever wanted, and I even have a tractor! I worked through hell to get what I own, i suffered for years to get it.)
Terrible things were done to me as a child, and I swallowed it all. I took it all inside and let it eat away the tender parts of me that were capable of love. I turned into a vile, hateful, angry, violent boy who turned into a burnout teenager, who turned into a criminal adult. It took two drug overdoses and a 240LB wolf to get me out of my path of self destruction.
I worked not on my depression, but on myself someone once said depression is a sign that something is wrong. I took meds for depression and they WORKED. And when I couldn't afford them any more, I was back to square one, and i realized, it's only a band aid. But for what?
Battling OCD, Bipolar, depression, and crippling anxiety without meds was, and is hard. But I am working through it... God is helping me. I accepted Jesus when I was very young and God never forgot that. God is showing me in all the ways the wiring in my mind... and soul... was so screwed up. As a child I was forced to deal with sexual trauma, physical trauma, emotional trauma, and even spiritual/religious twisting trauma, all at once, when my young mind literally had zero coping mechanisms. I dealt with it, finding gossamer, fleeting tendrils of peace and enjoyment where I could, but I did a terrible job, really.
If I disassociate myself from myself, and I look at myself as an extremely sensitive, vulnerable little boy, that adults, and even other children took advantage of, treated like I was subhuman, of zero or even negative worth and value, I weep for that child.
Today God is helping me unf*ck my soul. My mind. My terrible, terrible, misogynistic (Women and girls abused me, too. Their cutting words were more vicious and cruel than anything the men and other boys did to me.) and misanthropic thinking I clung to like my eternity depended on it. I was so ferocious holding onto the things that were slowly poisoning my to death I would make a religious fanatic blush. Combine this with a very high IQ and you have a walking hot, melty mess of a human being.
Working through trauma is hard. It's hard as f*ck. It's also agonizingly painful, because you must learn to release and let go all, or most of the things that you got so little pleasure from... Because it's the ONLY pleasure you ever knew, in a sea of dark black wretched suffering. It seems like you'll never be happy... But one good thing I learned is that all of my desires, even the weird ones, are rooted in godly things that God intended for my benefit... But I allowed them to become twisted, far from their proper use, grasping at fleeting enjoyment. But when I let them go, I end up with them returning right back to me... But healed, this time. Healthy. Able to give me more joy than I ever thought was possible.
But I will never get that joy unless I let go. The more I let go, more is returned to me, better, overflowing with goodness.
But most of all, I am learning to let myself go. Growing up in an unhealthy Christian home I was either perfect or I was worthless. And trying to cope with everything else, I pushed it all down. I can't blame my parents, they suffered as children, too. Hurt people... hurt people.
But guess what, I am a fallible, flawed human being who doesn't know everything. Thrust into a world that can be unrelentingly cruel. I need to be merciful to myself. Because I am not perfect. Heck, I am not even really a good person outside of God. Left to my instincts I am frightened and disgusted with the things that seem good. So I cling to a God who has said "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." I work through the agony of self introspection, the cutting of wires and lifelines in my mind and heart, to allow them to be re attached in their proper connections.
Able to truly give love, see people as God intended and not as they are, because we're all a bit of a mess, really, there's no use in trying to hide it.
And if I can tell you, dear reader anything today, it is, forgive yourself. You aren't perfect, although it's fun to believe that about ourselves, it is ultimately self- destructive because it simply isn't true. And, whiel you may not be perfect, you strong badass, you ARE doing the best you can right now, with what you've been given. Give yourself some credit. In fact... You could say you are doing better than anyone else would be doing, if they were "Sitting in your shoes" right now. You are kicking ass... We beat ourselves up for our failures but we NEVER give ourselves credit when we do good. We just... glance over it. Well, that's bullshit, you deserve credit, and you do deserve to be pardoned... By yourself.
One thing I know, and it's stressed in the Bible, is that God does not see us as we are, but rather, as He created us to be. He doesn't see a little boy, teenager, and adult filled with hatred, cursing God with every breath, he sees a sensitive, vulnerable, delicate human being who coped with bad shit the wrong way, and held onto his toxic beliefs with an adamantium deathgrip from hell. Through much suffering, I have begun to let it all go. Even my wrong beliefs about God, which is why I can say, if you hate God, He isn't up there, all offended, or angry. I can't count how many times I cursed God, and IU got real personal about it, too. But, He's waiting... Molding you into the world- changing, wonderful human being you truly are.
I know, because in spite of my best efforts to screw myself, he is still working in me.
Today I have never been happier. It's not a superficial happiness, but one that soaks down into the very essence of my being. It's not something that can be taken away from me. If I lose everything, tomorrow, I can still see a weed poking up from the asphalt and revel in its beauty, and smile.
Yeah, I can still be a dick, and I am aware of that, and I am working on it. The fight is constant, sometimes, and draining. The "Good fight" as the Bible calls it sometimes just feels like a fight. That never goes away... But that's a lie, too. Because this morning I woke up with two wonderful dogs, pressing themselves into me. I woke up with dank memes on my phone, excellent furry art in my inbox, and a cutting plotter I got at a garage sale for fifty bucks (I can make stickers with it, hello side business!)
Dude, life is so wonderful. It's not all the time I get to be aware of how great, and wonderful, and amazing, and mysteriously cool life is, sometimes I feel just the opposite. Thank GOD my feelings do not dictate reality, or the world would be covered in white hot fire on my bad days... And everyone, and everything would be burned up and I would be glad. Yeah, I'm messed up like that, but those days are getting fewer. Less intense. And further between. Without meds, although I could really lay off the booze in the evenings, in fact, starting today, i will.
So, dear readers, ladies, gents, otherkin, take it from a survivor, from a guy who was even bitten (Uh, a few times) by a "real" wolf, it gets better. I do not care if the crisis, nagging depression, hopelessness is whispering vile garbage and has been since you were a kid, it's bullshit. Learn to forgive yourself, see that poor child, filled with hope, and the free-willed people who took it from you, see that child and weep for him. Weep for her. Give yourself a hug, and tell yourself it is Okay. It is okay to be broken, to hurt, it is OKAY TO BE ASHAMED. Because we're all a little warped, we're all a little twisted, and we can work on what ails us, and it definitely is a walk, not a sprint.
Real change happens over time, sometimes excrutiatingly.
Naw, you're alright. You're doing the best you can, and if you saw you, you would see that you are smashing it. You're getting through it. The biggest lie is that it'll last forever. It won't I promise, you have my word on that. If you're considering suicide, please, drop those thoughts. They're toxic. DOn't even joke about, do not flirt with the idea of ending your life, just stop. SO many beautiful, wonderful things like you cannot even comprehend await you. You are forgetting all the good... And focusing on a pain that is killing you. Let it go. It doesn't have to kill you. I find that depression is actually addictive... I also find that everything bad in my life are things, on a level, that I actually want there, invited into my life, and even enjoyed, as they killed me inside.
Hard pill to swallow, but you must. You have come this far, your warrior badass, you survivor, you amazing, wonderful, incredibly tough person, you.
Keep fighting, keep going, keep walking through Hell, because Hell is only so big, the fires will abate, and soon, you will find that all that darkness, the feeling you had to live there, was just a lie. That not everyone is evil, not everyone is out to hurt you. And even those who are, are so torn up and broken inside if you could feel their pain you would weep for them.
I hope this helps, plants a seed in someone's heart. I hope this gives you hope. I am not trying to be religious, I am just sharing a truth I have learned. I know for a fact that Jesus is real, I know for a fact that He loves you so much the word "love" is a pathetic excuse for the true compassion He has for you. I know that Jesus is waiting for you to give Him permission to heal you, and I tell you now, it will not be easy. Now is the time of salvation, my friends, if you call on Jesus at any time He will answer you... But it may take time before you are ready to hear His voice =) I know it took almost 40 years for me.
I pray that everyone reading this has a blessed day, I hope you find joy in something that you never saw joy in before, I hope you get that thing you always wanted, I hope today you see beauty in another human being, not on the outside, but on the inside. I pray you find strength to keep going that never fails you, and never leaves you.
Life is hard, it is scary, but there is hope.
I love you all.
*Edit I wanted to say one of the hardest things to come to terms with was the fact that I was wrong, wrong in how I "felt". I was convinced my feelings were based on some sort of concrete reality that was sovereign- boy was I wrong. Rather than believing whole heartedly in a jumbled up mess of toxic emotions that were constructed by my own ignorance, but a malevolent entity I had a relationship with sure helped lots. Satan is never going to say, "Oh, gee, that'll kill ya, better not do that!" No, he'll throw you head first into the flames as far as you're willing to go. My problem was I didn't really have any limits.
So, thank God for being wrong, dead wrong, and my emotions not equaling reality, or truth. It is a sobering epiphany, but a neccessary one. I am not God, oftentimes I am not in control, and that is okay. And that is a good thing... Because I break stuff. Even inside myself I break stuff. I am glad God is not surprised, confused, angry, or put off by my stupid mistakes, wrong thinking, and doing the dumb thing over and over and over and over and over and over (Did I mention I did it before? Well I'm doing it again. I'm touching the hot stove because getting burned is fun, wait, isn't it?)
God is instead waiting for me to admit I am wrong, admit I cannot change, and say, "Lord, help." His response is never, "No." His response is always, "This is the best way." Sometimes it takes time to hear His voice, though. Sometimes all we hear is silence and think He hates us. There's that lying voice, again. And again, and again.
Anyway, hope today is better than yesterday for you. I hope you consider something positive as you read this, even if only for a moment. I hope you hold onto that little bit of light. You deserve it.
I suppose we're all damaged goods. Seeking hope in a place that seems hopeless. Meaning where everything falls apart and seems meaningless. Mixed bags of frustrated desires. Good times.
Loved all your wolf photos by the way. Very touching. Brought me back to my experience in South Africa with lion cubs. Being near them felt like a small glimpse into what it might feel like to be in the presence of the Almighty. I often wonder if good experiences here are like previews of what awaits in the afterlife. Because if I hear/read one more person talk about how "Good is only experienced because of the bad! It's a perfect balance of light and dark!", I think I'm gonna puke.
Have a good one, Wolf. I appreciate that you took the time to post your thoughts. Maybe I'll share my Africa adventure photos with you someday.
I tell my mom the obvious things, telling her reasons to be grateful to the man in her life who sacrifices much to be in her good graces, and she says, "Wow, I never thought about it that way." My mom wasn't intentionally thinking of ways to deeply harm me, but neither was she disciplined or taught how to have accountability and temperance in life. My dad was a hippy, drug user, he was a hard worker and provider but that was about it. He was also very abusive... In almost every capacity.
Part of receiving grace is forgiving others... Do not believe I say these words lightly. Can you forgive someone who raped you? Can you forgive someone who damaged you, knowingly, willingly, severely as a child, forcing a tender young boy to desperately try to deal with the endless avalanches of unstoppable pain, overwhelmed and twisted, broken, and alone. Can you forgive those people... Because I HAVE to. Little by little, I have let go what my parents did to me, but am I still angry, yes, and I still hurt, yes to that, too.
I know my dad got hep c from a heroin needle, and my mom was raised without a father and a drunk mother. I believe there was sexual abuse on both cases, though neither has ever introspected deep enough to acknowledge it... And so they both remain toxic, confused, and emotionally burdened by their shame.
About your second paragraph, sadly, that is the reality for most, and to overcome that, means being strong enough to endure it and keep going, until you see unquestionable beauty in the grains of sand under your feet. I shudder to consider having a child and having that soul endure even a quarter of the hardship I have had to wade and push through. I find myself less and less willing to bring a child into this world, especially now, with all of the uncertainty, and I believe what the Bible says, the end days will be worse than any other time, and had God not of put a stop to it, literally no human being would be left alive.
Hey, thank you for the kind words about my wolf photos! I was hoping they touched someone. You worked with lion cubs? Man, after seeing some videos on IMGUR of well-fed and gentle lions smooging it up with people, I would not be opposed to interacting with a big cat.
About good experiences being previews, I believe that they are. When I hold an at- peace animal such as a dog or even a cat in my arms, and bring them into my belly, I can literally feel the essence of their pure and undefiled nature. It is cleansing, satisfaction, and satiation for my weary soul. I believe we will feel these things freely in heaven, with no barrier. Remember, the Bible says that in heaven there will be no male or female, we will just be people/beings like the angels. So no sex to get in the way of love, or no creeping insidious desire for physical intimacy we constantly have to battle and push down.
Sadly there is truth to the good/bad cliche, and it takes a lot to get to the point where you understand it intimately. For some reason we want to believe that life will be easy and effortless, that life will not demand sacrifices, reasonable and unreasonable, but it does. I have been through so much I cringe at the future some days, wondering what insurmountable catastrophe awaits me where I lose everything, and other days, simply not caring, and going on, and enjoying my life one minute, an hour at a time.
I hope you do eventually share your experiences with us/me, and pictures too! Do so unashamedly.
Recently I put a camper topper on my conversion van, solar panels on it, even a sun deck where I am 9 feet off of the ground. I put winches front and rear, inverter, sink with fresh water, even a toilet and septic tank for extended camping sessions. Folding TV, too, and fridge, cooktop, etc. Recently I went out to my land about 30 miles away, in the mountains, and just camped for a few days. Some people believe in misery while camping, I do not. Drinking good vodka and beer, watching netflix, peering out my windows and being overwhelmed by the priceless beauty of nature. My smile never left my face... it was everything I wanted and more.
I encourage you, man, to find something similar, if you haven't already. I find that when I am in nature, even inside of a high tech van, that I am seldom if ever depressed or anxious, it is like a natural healing balm for my soul. And my dogs... My babies... Are such wonderful additions and comforts undeniable. I own one business and am beginning another, but I plan on making monthly vacations where I go to the deserts, the forests, and just spend time alone, in the woods, recharging. I find if I do not, that I become apt to becoming crippled by life's undercurrent, worn down, my joy sapped from me.
Some times I just have to tell people who need me NO. I need to get away. Handle your business by yourself, I am going camping.
No, I didn't directly work with the cubs. That was a side trip at the end of my year as a ranger. There was a lot of hard work and danger, but it was something I welcomed at the time! A friend told me he thought I should go see some lions up close before leaving the country. I had mixed feelings on it. On one hand, I adore big cats. On the other, I know what those operations are all about. I was torn, but I had to experience being near them just once. I'll always have the memories. Bittersweet as they are.
"𝘈𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴, 𝘐 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦. 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘵- 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘥𝘰𝘨 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘢 𝘤𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘺, 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦. 𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭. 𝘐 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘯𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘳. 𝘙𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘉𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘦, 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦/𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘭𝘴. 𝘚𝘰 𝘯𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘹 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘩𝘺𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘤𝘺 𝘸𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯."
Yes. I hope for that. And to be in the presence of God above all else. Otherwise ... what's the point to anything? In fact, that reminds me of one of the sick things my parents told me as a child. They knew that I was very put off by this world from a very young age. They saw the signs - that I was always quiet and reserved, introverted and introspective. I NEVER brought the subject up around them, nor anyone else. Yet they would make sure to remind me that God would send me away from Him for eternity if I committed "the most terrible" sin of suicide. They would often bring it up "out of the blue", as it were. They were so scared of losing control over something they NEVER had the right to control in the first place, that they used fear as a primary tool to retain that control for as long as possible. That's not love. Fear is the opposite of love. Any god that would send someone into eternal exile for desperately wanting to be in their presence, is no God at all. Just the same overbearing personality as a feeble human being who seeks adoration through the mechanism of fear. That's how I came to realize that humans are a mere shadow facsimile of Divinity.
Anyway ... enough of the heavy stuff for now. I can only dwell on it for so long before it starts eating away at me. Back to pleasant distraction!
Very cool setup you have there! I gotta agree. "Glamping" is the only way to go. If you aren't comfortable, it's not much fun is it? Give me the creature comforts! I'm fine with heading out into the bush/woods and clearing my head. Day hikes and what-not are my usual thing. At the end of the day though, I need a hot shower and a soft place to sleep, or my morale just tanks. You have the right idea.
i encourage you to watch these videos. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4A4_OpbzkU
They are on trauma. I have already begun trying to apply them, and it is hard, and scary, but i already feel some stuff breaking off.
Lately I'm just asking God to provide me with any and all distractions to take my mind off of the banality of day to day laboring and the ugliness of life. It's bearable right now. About all I can expect. Hopefully nothing derails that train for a while.
I hope all is well with you.
All is as well, I k ow breakthroughs are coming for you as well!
Glad to hear things are going well on your side.
I'm familiar with Salmoni's series actually. Watched a few episodes a number of years ago. I can understand the appeal! I lived a fairly similar lifestyle to Dave's cavorting with lions. However, mine was less glamorous. It also had fewer lions ... but more vervet monkeys *shudders* Still ... it had it's moments. From peaceful, serene times during lone patrols along the escarpment - through the valleys and along the streams; to hectic foot chases through the bush to catch trespassers and trappers. Weird, wild stuff. Thanks for the recommendation all the same!
These maladjusted people integrating into society and breaking it even further. And us, we have an ideal archetype, an omnipotent God who we hear "Loves" us, so why is it only pain we feel, or so it seems... Well I know hard times are coming, and I know that this horror that never seems to end is designed to force us to confront our own crap and garbage, and how entrenched the garbage is, the harder it is to root out and the more extreme it has to be.
The more suffering manifests that we have to struggle fruitlessly with until the exhausting answer is finally revealed, clearing all. But really, the misery you are feeling is due to the failure of humanity as a whole, God is doing more good than you can imagine, but we really try our best to screw everything back up. I know it sucks now, but the answer will be revealed to you, and trust me, you cannot offend God, He knows exactly what you are going through, He fully understands, and He isn't ever going to give up on you, man. The answer is coming bro, even if you give up, it's still coming for you.
Can we at least admit one thing and that is the human race isn’t a total failure? There are some human beings who have done well for themselves (compared to the rest of the masses who live trite lives). We have gone from living in caves to communicating via handheld devices all over the world. This was done mainly thanks to all the fighting that was done between civilizations—the “toxic masculinity”, the racism, the bigotry, etc. War breeds scientific enhancement. Humans are a fucked up species. Just because war has gone out of style doesn’t stop the predators from preying upon the rest of us. Again, see the massive wealth gap that exists and why the poor continue to stay poor and stare at their cell phones and be told what to consume like good puppets.
Maybe the meaning of life is to fight for survival, and if you fail, then you fail and everything you ever fought for dies and is lost to the sands of time. That’s biological evolution in a nutshell. 4 billion years of dead bodies atop each other in a last ditch effort to not be overtaken by your fellow organisms. Again, where is God? And why wasn’t I given a choice NOT to participate in this wretched world? Where every day, I have to make cold-hearted calculations like throwing my friend(s) under the bus or not starving/becoming irrelevant? Why is sociopathy the new permanent metagame for humanity, thanks to over centuries of psychological discoveries? No wonder these tactics are so successful at manipulating the masses.
I think it’s stupid to just stick your head in the sand and wave off all injustices as “God will punish them when they die.” Where’s the guarantee? All we know is we have just one life to live, and you have to fight to protect that life. And when’s the last time God has punished anyone for being “evil” (outside of the usual Old Testament wrath)? Life is like a sport with no rules or referee. You just hope you can go as long as possible before you get fucked by someone bigger, stronger, smarter than you. I have no desire to be a part of this human race if that’s the case. I have seen enough that “random acts of kindness” stories fall completely flat to me. All it takes is one paranoid dictator to launch the nukes and us non-elitists are eating radioactive fallout and rotting in a ditch somewhere.
Again, where is God and why should I really care if nothing indicates that humanity is going to get better at all and nothing I do will ever mean anything?
People are leaving the church in droves all over the world because we don't have the conflict and fear that brings people racing back to church, but I assure you, that time is coming. It is the classic tale of "Times are great, let's go worship any god other than the true God!" It's happened with the Israelites, and the church, and pretty much the whole world.
There's a lot of questions you have here, and I have actually gone through much of this, some of it I still struggle with. I have been through *so much*. And trust me, I fully sympathize with you. Sadly, some answers are not remotely easy, clean, and quick, and take a bit of life experience that is anything but easy.
It's not for us to judge or punish the wicked, unless they are coming against us, our family, or your country. I know I struggle with the idea that I am entitled to a wonderful, pain free and peaceful life but that illusion is often shattered, even when people have enjoyed that sort of thing their whole life, we all come to a reckoning.
I know I frequently ask God, when I EVER ASKED for ANY of this, and express my desire to be absolved of this painful futility.
Change is coming, although we have enjoyed unparalleled peace in the world the last few years, I encourage you to read Revelations and what is coming down the pike, nobody knows *when* it is going to happen, all we know is that it is beginning, "Wars and rumors of wars".
Like I said I am with you in a lot of this, I still don't know what's going on, and I am still struggling for answers, but I do know that the only way we find meaning in life is to help other people, to encourage them, it makes us feel alive. The problem is that the people who *should* be doing this have been cut down by the world and it's cruelty, those with important destinies are singled out for destruction, and sometimes it works and drags them down, sometimes the homeless wreck who's soaked in alcohol was going to be the guy who held the answers for a significant part of society, but he was destroyed at an early age and never recovered.
This isn't an existence, it is more of a war, we can try and convince ourselves otherwise, but really, this is what it is, and not one person I know of specifically asked to be here, in fact once when I was a child I had a near death experience, I literally died, and I was with God, and I felt myself going back to earth but I remembered all the horrors I was enduring as a child and I begged God not to put me back into this world but He said I "had to" go back, against my will.
All I can say is hang in there man, cut out toxic crap from your life as much as you are able, there are some answers that words cannot express, but that God must reveal Himself.
I've had alot of these same ideas as you've mentioned here, when in that "clear/sane/happy" state of mind. It's so easy then. But when the mind is over taken..woof. It's not a battle I can continue fighting forever at the rate things are going, but when I can, I'll try. It's good to know there's people who do understand and want to keep putting out hope of some kind. There's so many depressed mofos now a days that it's almost a cliche and many look past it like it's just a cold, a little time and sleep will fix it all. If only. Anyway, thanks for being a sweet guy, trying to help. It's good to know there's plenty a good soul around like yourself. I do know that much, I've met many of them, more than I deserve. And you all do help make a difference with your caring, even if only temporarily. Every little bit helps.
Yes, I wrote this in a happy mode, and it was easy, then. I have endured things the last 13 years that I believe, in a way, only I can handle. It has shaped, and changed me.
Recently, on a whim I converted my work van into a camper/sleeper van (I have 4 other truck too but only one is reliable, and the other reliable one doesn't have a cab LOL). Anyway about 8 months ago ro so I decided to see what it would take to live in it full-time, just for a weekend, spend two whole days in it to see what resources I would expend. Well I have not slept anywhere else since. The solitude I am experiencing has never once felt like loneliness, and if it did, I fought through it.
My mom recently told me that you lose yourself being in a relationship with someone else. That is, if you do not know yourself. If you know and love yourself, you can then be partnered with someone else, and still maintain the essence of who you are. I am lucky enough to have been in a position to have risked my life to protect other people and walked into situations I knew I probably wouldn't have walked out of, that developed a courage that is hard to explain.
I said all that to say this, what we need is to find ourselves. When you are happy in your own skin and by yourself, then you are free to do everything else. I am not sure what that means to you, or how you can go about accomplishing this. I also cannot diminish the healing. growth, and understanding that is afforded me by a relationship with my Creator. My childhood was spent acting out a horror movie, my twenties was me desperately trying to make sense of it, my thirties was dying to myself. None of it was any fun. But now that I am 40, things are starting to settle down, things are beginning to align in my heart and soul and mind. I am beginning to cherish my freedom as a single man. I am learning to adore and cherish my doggos in a wonderfully pure sense... Their love for me is beyond price... What can a man do to earn the selfless love and adoration of his dogs? I cherish every waking moment with my babies.
I woke up this morning, in my van, with Hannah my Alsatian resting her muzzle on my leg, and Barley, snuggled up into my arms, the warmth not only comforting but healing as well.
I know it sounds cliche and it's shitty to say and hear, but just keep going. I silently curse the people who say that to me when I am having bad days and weeks, and I cringe typing it even now, but the truth is it does get better. I am also super proud of you for not resorting to meds. Man, that shit only put a band aid on the cancer of wrong thinking and wrong beliefs, faith in wrong things that cannot help me. When I got off of them I was back to square one, never having improved one bit.
I encourage you to start writing, and not stopping no matter how "bad" you might think it is... Writing has given me more fulfillment than just about anything else... Creating worlds... Characters... Lovers.. It helps fight the darkness.