Okay I have got people leaving me messages like "Miss you!" "I hope everything's okay for you?" "Hope things have improved" etc... Thank you all for those messages, it means a lot to know people worry about me, but I think I've been away too long again and have to set the record straight before people worry even further. I'll try to keep it condensed because I swear this is now the 4th or 5th journal I've had to leave in a row telling you all how things haven't improved, and it feels like a shtick, it feels like its getting old. :(

To answer the question that seems to be on everyone's mind... Well you read the title, I'm guessing, you know the answer. I'm not okay. I'm here, I'm breathing, I'm doing my best to keep an eye on things, but I'm not okay.

A few months ago, march 5th to be exact, I lost a pet. Her name was Roxy, she was a little white terrier you may have seen or heard barking on my streams occasionally. She's been with me for 10 years and has been battling chronic diseases for most of that. She's been an incredible fighter. But she couldn't do it forever and she passed away peacefully on that date.

There has not been a single night since that I haven't had some kind of breakdown. I'm literally breaking down into tears as I write this, or any other time I've drafted this up. She wasn't just a pet to me. I called her "My baby girl" constantly. She meant the absolute world to me and losing her has fundamentally changed me. I'm not the same Nick you all met 4 years ago, or possibly even earlier then that.

So I'm not okay. I don't know if this is ever going to go away and the breakdowns and the bouts of apathy and depression I've been getting from it... You really don't want me around you when I'm like this. Especially if you suffer from similar problems yourself, I'm only going to amplify them.

So what's happening, can I give you a bit of an update? I dunno, but as always I'll try... I still have a backlog of things to get up, so that's still coming in case anyone thinks my page is "Dead." XD I'll pick a day and upload. I even have a tribute picture I did of my girl, but I don't know where or if I'm going to put that up yet. Doesn't seem right to me to have it either sandwiched between a load of kink on here or a load of memes and drama on twitter. >~<

Commissions, I can't even begin to think about. There's a few left I owe people, but I keep getting asked on my streams or pm's when I'll be open again, and the truth is every time they ask me this hole opens up in my gut. I'm sorry all, but I can't even think about it properly right now.

And on the subject of pm's, about that... >~< I've been ignoring them. Most of you probably figured that out, I feel really guilty about that and I'm sorry to anyone fed up with me CONTINUING to be radio silent. I usually check everything but I've finally been overwhelmed and I'm going to have to hit those nuke buttons when I come back. I promise I'll try to go through as many comments and pms as I can before that though, and get back to you if I can. ^^

Also, as little good news as I have, I am in a better money position now and I'm slowly going to nudge back onto the people I was supporting on patreon, and maybe a few more. I hope what I can give helps you all out in your own life dealings. :3

I know I've missed a lot, I know I've been absent for ages again, and I'm not going to make any concrete promises this time because I'm clearly not the kind of person who can stick to them in my state. But I promise to try.