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Uncertainty...
6 years ago
Step back.
Relax.
Just breathe, dont react.
The worst thing you could ever do is let them get the best of you.
Relax.
Just breathe, dont react.
The worst thing you could ever do is let them get the best of you.
I don't normally make journals like this, but... I need advice.
When I was first banned from FA, I was convinced it was going to be the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me. I used to check FA multiple times every day. I used to post regularly, and my posts were always so detailed and vibrant. I used to put tons of work into every single submission I posted. I wanted everyone to feel the excitement and happiness that I felt in my commissions...
The past 14 months have been like nothing I could have ever imagined. For those who dont know, I was accused of being a pedophile by someone I thought was a friend because I refused to date them (and NO, this IS NOT a callout post - context is important). They sent police after me and pulled me into a two month investigation in an attempt to take my job, my family, and my freedom away from me. State police arrived at my house not 24 hours after this person had accused me. They confiscated all my equipment, leaving me with nothing but a cell phone for two months. I spent nearly two months in a constant state of panic. My thoughts circled around a single, terrifying thought.. what if there was illegal content on my computer that I didnt even KNOW about?! The paranoia I experienced was unlike anything I've ever been through. I didnt sleep. I barely ate. My social life shriveled to nothing. I would jolt out of what little sleep I had panicking that police were coming to knock my door down and drag me out of my own home at a moments notice.
As would be expected from literally anyone that knows me, the investigation I was forced to suffer through turned up zero evidence supporting the claims levied against me. The full police report detailing the investigation was released about a month later, and even though I was legally in the clear, the court of public opinion in places like Twitter had made up their mind. I endured 6 months or so of constant harassment day in and day out. I would get dozens of DM's every single day telling me how I should be thrown in jail or killed for something I didnt do. This spanned across Twitter, Telegram, Discord, text, voicemails, and pretty much every other method of communication I had, mostly from people I didnt even know, all of them furries.
As soon as the investigation had ended, I posted the results, including the full police report, to my twitter page, but that did nothing. And just when I thought things were going to get better, I was banned from FA for being "Alt right", something I will deny to this day. So thats why I had disappeared for an entire year. On top of that, while my page was locked, someone on the site staff decided it would be funny to wipe my entire page, disallowing me from having it recovered, which is why the page was blank up until I finally was UNBANNED about two weeks ago.
So now here we are, and here is my dilemma...
This place, and the fandom in general, used to be what I considered my home on the internet. I was surrounded by people I thought cared about me and what I did. I enjoyed making friends with those who I thought had a common interest to myself. But now that feeling is just... gone.. I dont trust people.
I've had to delete my Twitter and change my Telegram handle to stop the harassment I was getting, all of it from furries. I've lost friends I've had for years over an unproven, baseless accusation with no merit or proof.
Lately, I just dont feel the same level of joy or happiness in things I post on this site anymore... I used to write up big, huge descriptions explaining the meaning and my vision behind every single picture I had done... now I just.. cant even find the will to post more than a single sentence.
I guess I just... dont know what to do anymore, or if I even should. I still have tons and tons of art that I've not posted, but part of me wonders if I even should...? Would anyone care? Why am I even doing this anymore? Should I just give up?
After what I've been put through, I'm worried that I've lost the spark that made this community so important to me. I'm not the confident, self-assured dog I once was, no matter how much I try to deny that fact.
I hear two voices in my head: One says "Stand up and fight for what you enjoy" and the other, even louder voice says "Dont waste your time. You'll never have what you did before."
I just dont know what to do... Please help me...
When I was first banned from FA, I was convinced it was going to be the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me. I used to check FA multiple times every day. I used to post regularly, and my posts were always so detailed and vibrant. I used to put tons of work into every single submission I posted. I wanted everyone to feel the excitement and happiness that I felt in my commissions...
The past 14 months have been like nothing I could have ever imagined. For those who dont know, I was accused of being a pedophile by someone I thought was a friend because I refused to date them (and NO, this IS NOT a callout post - context is important). They sent police after me and pulled me into a two month investigation in an attempt to take my job, my family, and my freedom away from me. State police arrived at my house not 24 hours after this person had accused me. They confiscated all my equipment, leaving me with nothing but a cell phone for two months. I spent nearly two months in a constant state of panic. My thoughts circled around a single, terrifying thought.. what if there was illegal content on my computer that I didnt even KNOW about?! The paranoia I experienced was unlike anything I've ever been through. I didnt sleep. I barely ate. My social life shriveled to nothing. I would jolt out of what little sleep I had panicking that police were coming to knock my door down and drag me out of my own home at a moments notice.
As would be expected from literally anyone that knows me, the investigation I was forced to suffer through turned up zero evidence supporting the claims levied against me. The full police report detailing the investigation was released about a month later, and even though I was legally in the clear, the court of public opinion in places like Twitter had made up their mind. I endured 6 months or so of constant harassment day in and day out. I would get dozens of DM's every single day telling me how I should be thrown in jail or killed for something I didnt do. This spanned across Twitter, Telegram, Discord, text, voicemails, and pretty much every other method of communication I had, mostly from people I didnt even know, all of them furries.
As soon as the investigation had ended, I posted the results, including the full police report, to my twitter page, but that did nothing. And just when I thought things were going to get better, I was banned from FA for being "Alt right", something I will deny to this day. So thats why I had disappeared for an entire year. On top of that, while my page was locked, someone on the site staff decided it would be funny to wipe my entire page, disallowing me from having it recovered, which is why the page was blank up until I finally was UNBANNED about two weeks ago.
So now here we are, and here is my dilemma...
This place, and the fandom in general, used to be what I considered my home on the internet. I was surrounded by people I thought cared about me and what I did. I enjoyed making friends with those who I thought had a common interest to myself. But now that feeling is just... gone.. I dont trust people.
I've had to delete my Twitter and change my Telegram handle to stop the harassment I was getting, all of it from furries. I've lost friends I've had for years over an unproven, baseless accusation with no merit or proof.
Lately, I just dont feel the same level of joy or happiness in things I post on this site anymore... I used to write up big, huge descriptions explaining the meaning and my vision behind every single picture I had done... now I just.. cant even find the will to post more than a single sentence.
I guess I just... dont know what to do anymore, or if I even should. I still have tons and tons of art that I've not posted, but part of me wonders if I even should...? Would anyone care? Why am I even doing this anymore? Should I just give up?
After what I've been put through, I'm worried that I've lost the spark that made this community so important to me. I'm not the confident, self-assured dog I once was, no matter how much I try to deny that fact.
I hear two voices in my head: One says "Stand up and fight for what you enjoy" and the other, even louder voice says "Dont waste your time. You'll never have what you did before."
I just dont know what to do... Please help me...
You probably won't have what you had before, because shit happened and it can't unhappen.
But here you are, standing on the other side of it nonetheless.
Don't try to make what you had before, try to make something else, something new? There are still good people in the fandom and in other fandoms who know nothing of what you went through and don't have any judgements.
If you strive to create something with your uploads and such, eventually the bullshit will be forgotten and replaced with the new you as such. Inevitably the internet will find someone/something else to shit on.
You just do you.
I remember when you got banned and I had just added you to telegram and then you disappeared after we had some really good conversations. I would still like to be your friend. Feel free to message and we can get in touch again.
So here is the thing though, getting art, writting, and even posting should be for you and not anyone else. Im not as popular as you and probably never will be and maybe thats a good thing. I agree woth a few things you have posted before. The furry community isnt what it was 10 years ago no matter what anyone says. Its all a political battle is some respects between the right and the left. If you participate actively in the community its hard not to get dragged in even if you dont want to pick sides.
Now something else though, dont abandon the ones that were there for you through it all and stood up for you in anyway they could. Its like that song "You find out who your friends are". Focus on them and the love and support they give. Maybe its only a handfull of individuals but find it a blessing that they give a damn enough to stick by you during all of this because accusations like what you went through is not a small things. Try to put it in perspective at least for those you have never met in person, they were and are still there for you and they dont even who the features of your human face.
Like I said before maybe the reason your here has changed but dont let that take away the love you once had. In the end its your choice but you need to make that choice for you and the ones close to you. This is your life, your money, your art and your happiness. Think about all this on a deeper level of what it does or has done for you. If it just brings sadness or stress then maybe its time to stop bei g so public and just focus on what brings you joy still in this furry world. But if having this page and posting your feelibgs or art or anything still bring you joy then dont let anyone on here take that from you.
I hope I helpes in some form. I woke up midnight here and saw this and had to post right now. I might make a second post when I am fully awake and have anything else to add. Hang in there myvspotted friend.
People will forget, eventually, especially when the 'next big thing' comes along and they all grab their pitchforks to persecute some other innocent (or not) bystander. It's not just the fandom that is this way though, social media has made that a reality of the world as a whole. All it takes is for 1 person to make an accusation and the firestorm will follow if it gains traction.
I know many folks that absolutely love the artwork you purchase, myself included. Truthfully, I hope you can find a place in your life for this fandom, again, but not at the cost of your sanity.
I wish you the best, no matter what you decide! :3
That being said, I will say that even now, I will and have always respected your opinion, and I value you as a person. Despite all the toxic furs who have unfairly treated you like shit, just know that you have worth, you have value. There are people in this fandom who will always be here for you if you need us. <3
If you ever want a friendly ear or a shoulder to lean on, just shoot me a note, my dog. I'll be more than happy to hear you out and talk with you.
-Fate
So I feel bad for all you had to go through, more psychologically than anything else. You didn't deserve all that. The harassment, people misjudging you, sending those horrible messages in your DM's...
But you're still here now. You are free; you aren't arrested. Even because you never did anything. So you can't just let anyone fuck with you like that.
You being here and still being able to enjoy art and talk to friends just shows you didn't let all that weaken you up. You and I are aware that you're a good dog, my dear.
So yes, lots of people would care for your new arts. I know I'm eager to see them!
You're doing this because it's something you enjoy, and you know there's lots of fans out there who still love you and your content, mainly the feral side of the fandom.
And no, don't give up. You know you have true friends here, despite all that bullshit. And you're my close friend, Cobalt. I fully support you and I want you to stay here and continue doing what you enjoy. I know how much happiness this brings you, and I really want and need my good Dalmatian to continue happy.
You're a good dog, Cobalt. ❤
I know how that feels. Close friends aren't as close as you think. Id rather talk to you personally though as i have a lot to say about the matter, this and my own. Another thing is the spark feels less 'sparkly' the older we get. All my own joy got sucked away too.
Having the same thoughts as you are. Stay and endure? Or pack up. June this year was my deciding month as mentioned in a journal last year about my own fate here.
I like your art, please don't disappear! Be strong, we are with you!
But it really boils down to if it still brings you joy.. Does getting art, talking to furries/people within this community, getting comments and favs. If all of that still makes you happy and you enjoy it, I think its a positive thing and you should keep it in you're life <3.
I love seeing you're fursona and other ocs, I've always been a huge fan of how you developed him and his family. And not to mention how much of a great person you have been to me, even through all the bullshit that happened to me you still were willing to be friends with me and support me. I can't thank you enough.
No matter if you decide to stay or go, I really do hope we can continue being friends like we have been ♥. I really like chatting with you and getting art together!
For what its worth, I would love to see you stay, and I really enjoy seeing Cobalt around again, it fills that missing hole that was there when you were gone. :)
♥ xo
You are a fantastic friend of mine, even if we don't get to talk regularly. I think that's what makes us better friends. We don't -need- to talk a lot to stay friends ^_^.
It is pretty damn horrible what happened to you, and the court of public opinion is so vicious, you see it all the time now. Straight away, you're guilty no matter how much proof there is that you're not and no matter if you're found otherwise, the other person is discredited, etc. Sadly, not a lot you can do about those idiots. But to hear the effect the whole incident and the response had on you is really sad :( Not to mention what FA did was completely shitty. I can only hope on that mental front, you can slowly get better.
Now onto your current situation on the fandom, art and what to do. If you still enjoy and love furry art, getting commissions and posting the stories, I say keep at it. The past is the past, now it's time to press on and get back to being YOU. Sure you may still get a few wankers and dipshits, but you can block and move on, if they want to dig up the past it shows how mature they are. The important thing is, if you stop what you love because of some-one else, you're letting them win. I'm sure there are still of plenty of furries and people who like you, want to see your art and interact with you. It may take a while, but if you don't try you'll never know if you can get the old flame burning in you again.
If you ever want to chat, note me and we can talk over Telegram ^_^
In the end, do what's best for you and your own health :)
it's best to remember that an unknown amount of those people were just going after you to either boost their own ego, or to help hide the fact that they're peadophillic, by making everyone that might consider looking into them focus on you instead.
Regardless most if not all of those people will move on when they find a new target to focus on. You're just a designated number in the que. In fact the most telling part about those people is how...they're leaving all of us that follow and support you alone. Usually when someone is as vile as they assumed you were, any of those that support you also get slack for it and yet none of us have. If anything did happen it had nothing to do with you, meaning most if not all of them were blowing hot air for the sake of blowing hot air. There's also the chance that the individual that made that false accusation, made multiple accounts to just harass you (because I'm assuming you'd of blocked their original one by now). In the end the lack of follow up by those people when it comes to "holding you accountable" is evident of their lack of real care for what you did or didn't do, and its more about them getting off on the idea that they're a "good" person. In the end those people aren't worth listening to, and when you come out of the woods and see through the trees, they end up looking rather sad since, they can't seem to see the forest through the trees.
In the end we're with you, and support whatever you truly need.
The closest thing to advice I can give you is, to report everyone that harassed you for said harassment. At the next convention try and talk to Dragoneer himself about that staff members actions, to get them removed or at least held accountable, or push him to change his way of dealing with accusations against people since FA's mismanagement has clearly had a psychological affect on you, and that needs to be dealt with. Oh and if they don't know already, make sure the officers that dealt with your case know why someone accused you of such a crime, as I'm sure they'd be very interested in holding someone accountable for wasting police officers time, since they essentially used them to punish you for not dating them, not because they had any legitimate concerns over your conduct with children.
And if u ever need to talk, my telegram is on my page. <3
That being said. Does it still bring you joy? If not, it may be time to move on. But it sounds like it still brings you joy. Everyone grows and changes, and sometimes a character just doesn't fit anymore. You can always start something new. Now, don't let anyone tell you it's "to hide" or "escape". It would be for YOU and YOUR mental health. The people who are harassing you can go fuck themselves. If they bring it up 3 months, a year, two years, down the line, then they're just looking for a reason to be an asshole and should be treated as such.
You may not have what you had before, but it's important to treasure what you have now, and hold onto that. There are people who still care about you and believe you and the facts.
And, if it helps, if people keep harassing you, I totally recommend writing a AutoHotKey script. Remove yourself emotionally from your harassers by just giving them automated messages, that here is the proof, to stop bothering you. Type a few letters, hit enter, block, move on. You don't have to waste your energy that could be better spent on other things on people like that.
I am glad to see you back! I'd been hoping for a chance to draw for you. x3 But whatever you do end up choosing, we'll respect and support that.
Haters speak 100x louder than those that love you. I learned this ages ago. Something as simple as revealing a new lover spawned at least 10 people all wanting the same thing and 30+ more people getting incredibly jealous with "omg fuck you I wanted to be your mate forever"
People need to learn how to speak up, speak out, be heard. (They won't...)
As for this site. Really not worth anyone's time. So, I dont take any posts here seriously...
I never experimented something like what you had, but got other problems with people because morons are everywhere you know, sadly. :T
So, as obvious as it may sounds, don't take time to cry over what's lost. It is lost, and by crying over it you only make something already lost even worse.
Instead, do something else, read other ones pages, chat with new people, I don't know, but do something that you can like, and search reasons to be happy, you can always find one I swear, that's how I handle a lot of very bad times.
I wish you the best, everyone deserves to be happy and I hope it'll be your case soon. Hugs and love from France /o/ ♥
I’m seriously glad to see you back - I severely missed your posts. I’m a huge fan of Dalmatians (Perdita in general XP) and loved all the stuff you got in the past.
Even though you can’t build back what you had, this is always a good opportunity to start anew. Put the past behind you and look only to the future.
With my life being turmoilish - for my taste, others would call it a smooth an amiably safe ride - I didn't spent much thought about your absence.
Especially as I myself am often incommunicado for months at a time.
That there are people who would love to have all 25 year old liliputans and flatchested females (like in Australia) locked up upon posting a nude picture of themselves was already a slight reminder that males have to be 2m tall and all females should have huge balloony breasts.
Well, or that some people are to stupid to use their brain.
Similarly, watching Manga and Hentai must've become likewise the marker of the pervert. So, people, do not watch Akira or Princess Mononoke, because by doing exact comparative measurements of the eye-size to body size of the females in those movies, it's obvious they're minus 3 years old, which clearly certifies watchers of those movies as ultra hardcore pedos...
I am deeply sorry for what you had to go through and hope, once I have the actual childrens book finished, to proceed to the more mature book as to be able to give the golden retrievergirl her rightful place in the stories as a popular singer and dancer. And, as the commanders daughter, be his special agent and envoy.
And boy will I have a maniacal grin on my face... Was Britney Spears locked up for looking hot back as a teen? Or was every poster-buyser accosted?
I saw worse in regular movies and in TV than what you presented here on FA. I really think somebody overreacted from hurt personal entitlement.
*hugs you*
Be safe and welcome back!
The court of public opinion is crewed by fools and lemmings. They believe in guilty until proven guilty. Until it happens to them, then they demand the idea of innocent until proven guilty be applied only for them.
Focus on the people that supported you and damn the rest in my opinion.
Fighting for your rights is always a worthwhile cause. Even if its a lost cause it should still be fought.
When you disappeared however it was like a large of my online family had been taken away from me, like something that I had always been able to count on had been torn away and replaced with a very empty void.
Seeing you post through the years became a staple of the fandom itself for me and I always have looked forward to seeing what adventures you had in mind for your character/characters, the people that you have interacted with and the vision most importantly that you have shared and still share with those who know you, those who watch you and those who will when they find you. I missed you spotty and I know it's a shitty way to come around to it but I came to realize just how much of an impact you have made even more so given what's happened.
I have no idea what you've been through and can only imagine how much stress, heartache and pain you've been caused, how much you have been accused and judged unfairly for. I hate that this has been your experience and that some of the friends you thought you could count on haven't been there. I haven't been there for you as a friend or at the least as someone who looks up to you and respects what you have created and worked hard to share with all of us through your imagination and through your talent for bringing bringing forward talented people as much as I should've been.
I realize that the easy thing for me to say is to get back up and continue going because it's not going to be easy. It might in the end be the most difficult part, but I believe that given time and support some of the joy will return, maybe eventually all of it will someday be yours again. That is my hope. I want that for you and will be here as a support to you. Very few fluffy peeps have left as big a mark as you have and non of them can replace you. You are unique and you are strong. The dog that you were is still in there. Just needs some belief, faith and overall for some good things to happen. Keep being that awesome person, that stalwart friend, vibrant creator and storyteller. Keep doing what you love doing and what we all love seeing from you. Keep being Cobalt and enjoy that you have persevered and come through.
Maybe it won't be the same as it was, maybe things will be different. But when you hit rock bottom the only place to go is up. With all of my hope and support ~
I didn’t even know they reinstated your account until now, so welcome back! I know it’s not fair how the site is run, all you can do is watch what you say and do carefully because people these days will do anything and twist words and actions to get you in trouble. I’ll always be here if you wanna chat, hang in there!
As I said I have friends that have gone through similar ordeals like you have. They came out of it just fine and I know you will too. In the time I followed you I know that you are a smart caring person. My advice is to keep on going like you did. Shut out the negative voice. I know it might be difficult to do but it can be done and I firmly believe that you can do it!
As for the accusations and what not, I wouldn't think too much of it. Furries are inherently scumbags (since they're 85% more prone to be shut ins) simply by nature.
I for one will gladly call myself a furry even knowing this is the case; the state the fandom has been in since we brought in dimwits with open arms because it's simply what we do, no matter their background or state of mind.
Don't label them all though, some of us actually are more on the sane side than what you've experienced in the last few months.
You can't rip a part of you away (leaving all of this) and expect it simply to go away. You are part of this community and you have to accept that regardless of whether you sometimes wish you weren't.
My advice ? Move on.
Or at the very least, attempt your best to.
Well, I hope you can and want to restore your account completely, there are many pieces of art I've been missing.
An uncle of mine had something similar happen to him as well, though he ended up on the worse end (Note; don't let roommates use your PC, ever.). So I wish you the best of luck in piecing back together both what you can from this place, and what you want to get back from this place. Yours is a name I remember from long ago, so I'm pleased to see it resurface again.
On a side note: fuck all those so called 'friends' who did that to you. They clearly where only there for your fame or to use you, once something came up and they had to choose themselves over you, they chose themselves and fucked you over. I really do hope you are on the mend and that you have found support from people who truely care about you.