The last few months have been an emotional storm season for me. Partly as surgery gets close and partly as work got crazy and partly just the work that I do. I have had a great deal of difficulty sorting out where each emotion is coming from. First I am more comfortable in my own body than I remember ever being. that is a stop what I am doing and just enjoy the moment thing. As for surgery, there have been some really stupid anxieties all the way up to an hour and a half after the surgery the Vogans destroy the earth to make way for an inter ... you get it. Stupid, but with all the waiting and delays and obstacles I can not shake the feeling that Wednesday morning something will come up.

Last night was the last night I will ever sleep in my house in quite this shape when I return I will be different. That part of me that has wanted this and thought about this all of my life will have to find something else to do.

For good or ill we are influenced by what we remember of our lives. If something has been part of that life long enough when it is gone there is a hole left behind. Even if it is something that has done us great harm it is still part of how we become who we are.

Officially the next two months I will be recovering from surgery. The more important work I need to do is reconcile for myself my work, will I return and under what circumstances. By midday Friday I had my report about finished for turning over my cases and my anxiety began to rapidly fall away. Yes, I am anxious about surgery and what will come with it but I think it was more from work.

Joyce is home from work we have 2 hours before we leave the house ...