Soo.. maybe a bit of a rant, maybe just contemplation... As of late its rather hard to tell..
Life is one of them things we all struggle with, be it making a living and or fitting in. Something I seem to struggle with most my life.
Most of my life been spent questioning who I am, who i wanna be.. As i grow as a person in my journey through life my questioning of myself remains same, yet changes significantly..
I never understood where i fit in, or where to start. I've done many things in attempt to fit only to hurt others. Mainly myself, leaving permanat emotional scars... Things i wish on no one..
I've been told it made me stronger. Perhaps it has, but i don't feel as though.. I've pushed most in my life away in atempt to protect myself, in fear of being hurt like so many times..
Do i even know what trust is anymore? Some days i ask myself if i do.. I know answer is yes, but its hard for me to do so most days. Put trust in others to many times only to get hurt. For some its easy, others.. Another story all its own. But one thing for sure. Its easily broken for everyone.
I look at myself, and see a loner.. most days i rather just be left alone. Not cause i dont like others, but cause i have no clue how to fit in. Watching others it looks so easy. Yet so far from it.. What is it im doing wrong. Is it me? Am i not likeable? Im told i am by few frienda i have, yet i feel like i just annoy others and they only tolerate me. I've hid who i was for so long i dont even know myself anymore.
My mistrust and fear of being hurt has a way od isolating me. From the very people i wish to be a part of, and as i lay in bed at night i question as to why i feel so afraid to open myself up to others. Afraid it show how i truly feel.
Some days i wanna strangle the world, others just curl up in a ball and pretend im a cub pretending world just a dream. That ill wake up and it all be better. Yet i wake up, still feeling alone..
I still question my sexuality every day, trying to understand where i fit in it all.. I used to tell myself these feelings are not okay, but i now just accept them as they part of me and not going away. But do I classify myself as bisexual, or just gay or what.. i know we constantly learning about ourselves, and these day I classify as pansexual as i do not really see gender in most people and care mostly about ones personality.. Yet i find myself more and more attracted to same sex the more I accept my feelings.
Life can be so confusing, and full of unknows amoung the world around us as well our own world within our mind. Some days I look in the mirror and wonder what happend, what went wrong? Or had anything even gone wrong..
My childhood, not much i can say other than alot of pain. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt all bad. However most of it left alot of permanant emotional scars. Some days things that shouldnt make me feel like i wanna panic when shouldnt. Floods of memories I care for no one to endure, of rape and torture.. Getting beat to an inch of your life, and hiding in the bushes as you cry yourself to sleep.. Is that the normal? I'm told its not yet it's been such a long part of my past, that some days calm makes me feel uncomfortable. Like the calm before the storm you wait for the inevitable of the hurricane to rear its ugly head.
Im told life is what you make it, yet sounds easy if very much not. The struggle with our own emotions and memories all to easily holds us back. Why is it so hard to make the change, to risk feeling volnerable for the good of our emotional wellbeing.. Yet so easy to hide, protect abd distance ourselves from everything, including of which could keep us safe and emotionally secure..
Life is complex to say the least. Full if un knowns and betrayal But also full love and compassion.
As much as im leery of life and others. I've met so many wonderful caring people, whom have helped me to learn more of myself than I could have ever imagined on my own.
Those special friends are what keep me going. What keep me from causing harm to my wellbeing and for that I cant be any more greatful