I should start by pointing out that I am (perhaps unsurprisingly) autistic. I was still feeling stressed about my feelings for my friend in spite of my dog being finished with her radiation therapy. It felt stupid to try to move on to try to find someone else while I still have feelings for my friend, but without moving on, I will either be stuck where I am or potentially ruin a good friendship if I don't express myself in the right way. I decided to look at the situation differently. I am not sure what her feelings for me are. This has been the most difficult part, and there have been no shortage of signals from her that she may like me more than just a friend, so this line of thinking was of no help. Like most autistic people, I am not good at passively reading people, but I am actually pretty good at actively reading people if I am familiar enough with the social situation. So rather than tying to read her feelings about me (something that I am not really familiar enough with to do), I decided to read her statements about relationships. Plenty of past comments that she had made were hard to read the truth of (plenty of people lie about relationships to see how a person they are interested in responds), but one in particular stood out to me. When my dog was getting her last treatment, my friend came with me. The closest vet hospital that had the equipment needed to do the treatments was almost a 2 hour drive away from my home. Because of this, she and I spent the day in the college town where the hospital is while my dog got radiation therapy. There was very little to do in the town, so after going to the visitor center, we went to a vineyard in the area that offered wine tastings. While she was trying wines (I only had a few sips from her glass as I needed to stay sober enough to drive), the bartender was joking with the two of us. Naturally, he thought that she and I were a couple (a man and woman going to a wine tasting and drinking out of the same glass), and he commented that they do weddings. My friend pointed out to the bartender that we were just best friends (I did like the "best friend" part) and stopped by at the vineyard because we had time to kill. That got the conversation firmly planted in the realm of relationships though. In the conversation the bartender ended up flirting with both of us, which my friend and I were both amused by, and the comparison to baseball came up. My friend said "Oh, you are batting for both sides?" To which, he mimed batting first right handed and left handed saying "Yeah, I'm a switch hitter. How about you?" To which she replied, laughing and gesturing far away "I'm not even on the field."
At the time, I hadn't put much in that interaction, we were all just joking and having a good time. But today it hit me. What she said then wasn't said facetiously. Her response was immediate and spontaneous, not measured. All signs were that she was being completely honest in that reply, even if it was said in a joking way.
I love her. She may only like me, or she may even love me, but the one thing I can be certain of: She doesn't want a relationship with me, or anybody else for that matter.
Because of this, I have decided to move on. I want a relationship in my life. She doesn't. I will stay her friend, but I need to accept that she isn't going to be any more than that, and it is foolish of me to simply hope that she will change her mind.
It's a little sad, but at the same time, I feel relieved. It is a weight off of my mind and one fewer social problem to worry about.