Sorry that depressing journal was up for so long.

Things are changing again. I've been in RI for 5 months now taking care of the cancer sickies. My aunt has recovered, but my gramma not as much. They switched her to radiation because the cancer got into her spine. And the radiation doctor who reviewed her file told them that she should have never done chemo and should have come to them for radiation and they could have zapped the few small cancer spots, which is disappointing to know. We also know now that she will have this cancer until she dies but we're unsure of when that is. There's questions about possible remission or maintenance of the cancer so it doesn't grow.

At the same time my aunt no longer has her job so they have to move back to WA, so i've been helping out packing along side house maintenance x.x But, I'm coming home at the end of the month, I have a dental problem that needs fixing, otherwise i would be staying to help them pack their things and ship them home.

While i've been here I've been able to see Viber a couple times. Leaving now i know even more how much i can't live without him, i need to be with him and i don't really care how it happens. i could live in the small space he has, though, WA has really great minimum wage and eastern WA has a fairly low cost of living, which would be good for us. though, moving across a country is hard.. i mean i've done it twice now ^^;; all of my family is in WA, all of his is in NY and PR, it's hard :/ but i think i'd give up a lot to housewife for him.

Along with all this.. i've been thinking about the doing commissions an' adopt things. for a long time now, i've mostly only taken commissions from people who come and ask me first, which means mostly just friends have been asking for art sporadically. but.. i was wondering.. do people actually want commissions from me? like, do people feel like i'm never open so never ask? i would like to go back to making the amount i was while i was in NY, small that it was, it would at least cover a couple bills each month. but it always seems when i post up adopts or mention doing streams or taking commissions that no one notices? i dunno if i'm just doing it wrong or if there's legit no market for me. it's not just been a money struggle, but an emotional one too, feeling not good enough or basically worthless i guess? i dnno, i'm getting all emotional again in this journal sorry ^^;; wasn't really my intent. just trying to put out some updates.

i wish i could see viber some more before i leave. though, my aunt did buy me a ticket to see Hamilton before i leave. I've been obsessed with the sound track for over a year, since a really awesome history prof played some of the music in class for our am. hist. class. i would have loved to see an original cast performance at some point, but i'm excited to at least get to see the play in full. she also bought me the book that Lin-Manuel read and was inspired to do the play. It's a little dry/heavy in the beginning where it talks about Hamilton's lineage, but it picks up a bit once he gets to America. It's a big book, and i'm only in the beginning still (around about the king's college years). so, i'll have something a little fun before i have to go back home.

so many expectations waiting there too though. people are expecting me to work full time, go to school full time, and decide if i'm going to lose all my weight or do a gastric bypass, btw, that stuff has to get done while working and school. and honestly, i don't know anyone who can do all that, but yanno, it's easier to demand things of people than to be able to do them yourself :D

anyway, sorry for the talking... typing? so much. hopefully things are going well for everyone~