Hello!

My name is Izzi.

It's nice to meet yall. :)

So this journal is a lil update since my last journal entry. A few things have changed (again), and I feel I needed a place to go on a mini rant to explain a few things. Mostly to explain my new name and what it means.

So, where did I get Izzi? Well, first I gotta talk a lil about my mom, then a very important movie. First of all lets talk about me and my mom. When I was growing up I got kinda mad at my mom. Just because she was always very emotional and sometimes I got really annoyed with it. In all my childish wisdom, I told myself I would get my shit together and not be emotional like my mom. So I closed myself off, and bit my lip. That lasted about oh, 30 fucking years. Fast forward to today. Last year or two and my mother is slowly parishing. She has several diseases and has to take dialysis to live. She can't even walk upstairs and has to live, bath, eat, etc in the library downstairs. It's been hard on me, but I'm not living it. I was so worried for my mom but every time I asked her how she was, she always says the same thing. "I am happier then I have ever been". I don't get it. She said that in the end, she had a family she loves and food to eat, and a garden to tend. She couldn't be happier. She knows she's dying. She knows every day she comes closer. It's a fear...a terror I have been loathing for years. But someday I'm gonna have to face the same reality she has to. Death. She'll die. I'll die. I'm not even near half her age but I'm already afraid.

So now we talk about the movie. The movie is "The Fountain" by one of my favorite filmmakers, Darren Aronofsky. The movie is very... metaphoric. And it flopped in the box office cause it's concepts of time and death was a lil too much for the bird brained common movie going folk. It's actually, IMO, one of the greatest movies every made. It's helped me cope with many things. I recently watched it for like the 200th time. I realized that the movie isn't really about love but about just ONE THING. And it blew me away. It's simply about our own humanity and accepting death as a part of life. One main character is obsessed with life and maintaining it. The other is accepting of death and sees it as a journey. Eventually the first character understands that and joins her in death. It's a very powerful movie. But then I thought about that second character who accepted her death. It... It was my mother. My mother is that character. She's strong and isn't afraid of the next part of her existence.

I should of never shunned away how my mother was. Yes, she was over emotional sometimes. But she was strong in every way that matters in life. I now know I need to be like my mother. Like that girl in The Fountain. The character in the movie?

Her name was Izzi.

Now that I am changing my life. Changing who I am, I need to do more then change my gender. I need to be a better person who isn't afraid of my fate. I want to die someday like Izzi did. Like my mother will. Happy and grateful for her life and the people in it. Looking forward to what awaits. I will be that namesake.

I later learned that Izzi means "strong / powerful" in Arabic. A fitting name (and pretty cute honestly) for my new life.

PS: Oh, and what about MaxCoyote? Well, a few have already ask me about that. Will I be IzziCoyote now? Well, here's my choice. If my fursona wasn't named after my IRL name, it wouldn't of changed anyway. So since MaxCoyote is a man anyway, I'm just gonna leave my fursona as MaxCoyote. His role is the same as it was before. The body I was born with, whether I want it or not. Also a great way to honor and accept my past. But he's not my only character. I also have Fate and Zeno. Zeno really has been me the last several years. BUT, since my fursona's name also happens to be my deadname, I wouldn't wanna be addressed as Max/MaxCoyote. Zeno or Izzi works!