In what may be the king of countdowns I don't know what to do at the end of, it's three days til my third cake day on reddit.

What that actually means is it's three days til it's been three years since a gender therapist pegged me (poor choice of words but oh well) as definitely having gender dysphoria.

I don't really know what to do about it, but for various reasons (not actually trying to transition, liking futa porn, etc.,) I felt like I couldn't really ask for advice from the asktransgender subreddit anymore. Whole reason I made a reddit account was because the therapist suggested I go there.

I never felt comfortable with certain aspects of being a man. This led to years of intense self-hatred, due to my misunderstanding anger at men on Tumblr applying to me because I was a man, nevermind I've never done or wanted to do the things they were mad about over there.

So now I sit here, three years later. No effort to transition, no effort to lose weight, unemployed (which is a whole other set of problems that I'm not gonna get into right now). I don't know that my health insurance would cover gender therapy, it barely covers normal therapy, which I'm afraid to seek because the things I need therapy for range from "that's not that bad" to "I don't believe you and am calling the police."

But back to the point of the journal. I sort of shift harshly back and forth between not really thinking about the gender problem one way or the other, and wanting to take duct tape to all the hair on my body in an attempt to never be hairy again so that I'm not judged harshly when I want to wear the feminine clothes I have. But also I'm scared. I know there's violence against trans people and there's violence against black people and I am BOTH OF THOSE THINGS and I will admit, I'm also not prepared to have to deal with the massive gender inequality in society between men and women if I did jump the fence, as it were. These are stupid things to be concerned about, and ultimately it just comes back around to I'm scared. I have no idea what to do. What if I start transitioning and then I was wrong and I'm not having gender dysphoria it's just the results of how shitty I handled myself in my head growing up? What if I got to the stage of taking estrogen or whatever and have an adverse reaction to it? What if my family and friends aren't as accepting about it as they say they'll be?

It's been almost three years and I have answers for NONE OF THIS and nowhere to get them. Looking at futa art and trans porn stars, it feels like I'm being a perv and fetishistic about it all, and it only feels like that because I know there are people who could potentially view it like that. I KNOW that's not what it is, but it's so much easier to assume I've done something worthy of being hated than actually trying to figure out who I am, or who I'm supposed to be. I don't want to go around saying I'm gender queer or gender neutral because even that feels like I should at least be able to look either/or, but I can't. I'm just a fat dude that's obviously a fat dude, but when I wear a dress and a wig I SORT OF look like a fat cousin who is a woman (which wasn't a revelation that made me feel good about myself.

...sorry for the rant, I had to put this somewhere I didn't want to bother my friends directly with it right now (even if it wasn't midnight, I meant right now like in general I'm tired of talking about it) I'm just talking in negative circles whenever I try.