It has been almost two weeks since my collision and there have been some developments and thoughts I wanted to share.

Firstly, how am I doing? I'm off of my painkillers and the knee isn't giving me any pain most of the time. It's definitely an improvement from last week, where being off the pain killers resulted in agony. I've been seeing a chiropractor who specializes in "accident" injury. She gave me an exercise to do to keep my quad from atrophying and recommended that I try to bend my knee every day. So far so good. I've been skimping on the exercise. but I have to bend my knee to get in the shower, anyways. Most of the pressure comes from the tendon below the knee, I think. It's tightened up as a result of not moving my leg at all. Same goes with the thigh muscles. They've become squishy and soft. It worries me and I wonder if I'll ever get that strength back.

Secondly, how am I doing mentally? Honestly, I'm stressed the fuck out. The leg is done, all it needs is time and rest, but it's my finances that are causing me a lot of undo strain. My settlement has not been negotiated yet and unemployment isn't budging for the money thy stole from me. So I'm still living on the edge of nothing. The towing company is extorting me for the bike and put a time limit on her before they sell her to the highest bidder. That genuinely pisses me off. My mother caved and said she would pay me back for the money unemployment took from me. Getting Sarah out of the impound lot is ongoing.
I also have my classes. I attended two days last week, but the stress was too great on my body. I feel like I'm falling behind and under-performing. I got the worst grade I've had all quarter on my diodes test, an 86%. For the duration diodes were being studied, I was going through a lot of rush and instability, even before the collision. Goes to show what missing out on lectures does to grades. Now that the leg isn't hurting, I am going to make it early to every class i have this week, get all my shit done early or on time, and get my reputation back.

Internally, I think about the moment-to-moment of that morning. I think about how much I no longer have as a result. A wrong that has been done to me. Tonight, for example, I tried to get some shut eye, but all I could think of was that car, the panic, the squeeze of the brake lever. Knowing that I wasn't going to stop in time. I thought about how I flew through the air and landed. And it kept replaying and replaying.
I felt my leg, how it can't move, how empty my pockets are right now, how there is no Sarah or Suzy in my garage. How i haven't ridden a bike in so long, haven't kickstarted Suzy or felt the trust of Sarah's engine. It was taken from me. It fills me with sorrow and anger with the world, because there was nothing I could have done to save myself from that situation. I can't be angry at myself for making a mistake, there is nothing I can' beat myself up for, and thus, there is nothing I can improve on my own. Just the realization that I had no power or control. It's hopeless.

Who am I supposed to be angry at?! How do I fix this?! I do not cry every day anymore, but I did. I feel just as hopeless as I did a week ago, but now the pain isn't reminding me constantly.

I will leave you with this message I wrote to a close friend of mine one night, when the play-by-play was all-consuming;

"I think about the crash often. Sitting at the light on proctor. My visor was fogging up because it was cold and I wasn't moving. I could see the turn signal lamps flash on and off.

Our light turned green. The two cars ahead of me strayed to the right lane mid turn, which is against the rules. So I went left. The lead car was slowing down to turn right, to I prepared to merge right, after he had turned. I checked my speed, I changed my lane position, and then I saw it pop out into my path. It was a silver Subaru Forester. Late 2000's, it was turning left. If it was faster, I think, I could have cleared it. My heart rate increases, I pulled in the clutch, and tried to squeeze the breaks without locking the wheels. But it was so close, it wasn't enough.

I closed my eyes because i was scared. I heard the sound of the crash, I felt my body be thrown from the bike, suspended in the air, and then I hit the ground. I opened my eyes and looked for Sarah. I could still hear her engine running. I was on my chest, my backpack was aloof. I could feel hot blood flowing from my nose. You know when you bang up or scrape yourself on something Rocky or hard? That's how my body felt. That fresh, seering, almost breathtaking pain that makes you choke up. I lifted my head to look around, and the bystanders told me to keep my head down. Not to move.

She was dressed in scrubs. I think she was mixed. I reached out to my bike and cried for her. Repeating the word "no." Until a middle aged man placed a blanket over me, crouched down and looked me in the eyes, and said I was going to be okay. Told me not to worry about the bike.

Then another woman in scrubs knelt down and asked me to grip her hand and to follow her finger with my eyes. I asked them to shut off my bike and turn off the heated grips.

I watched as coolant leaked into a little river, heading straight for me. I think the man put his foot in its path. They asked for my emergency contact, so I gave them my mother's number. She didn't answer.

The paramedics arrived and assessed me. I told them that my right leg was hurting. Then I felt the cold metal of their scissors as they cut up my leg. My bare skin exposed to the cool, foggy air. Then the boots came off. And my backpack, my winter jacket, and my shirt. All cut off. Can't forget the helmet.

They rolled my half baked body onto a stretcher, I smelt the linen scent of hospital sheets. They lifted me into the ambulance, and the doors closed. It was quiet, and I started crying again. The sky looked so dark out of the Windows. They kept moving my leg and poking me with things, it was hell.

It was going to be a beautiful day."