Fascinating that you should share such intimate views my friend.

You see our nature is one of brokeness. We are at heart most needful and you see that now. That leaves in us a great void shaped need.

You have reached a turning point friend. Take it from an older Stallion- you won't find what you look for in most people.

That need I spoke of causes us to focus upon things that either hurt others or hurt us. We all stuff things and people into that open void of ours that calls out for fulfillment. And I think you see now that this leaves you vulnerable. Vulnerable to looking to others to fill the void and vulnerable to having others use you to fill their void.

As a youth, you have wisely discovered something unique about youth- they are focused upon themselves. You know now that the human condition tends to be destructive to others in pursuit of their needs and uncaring about the needs of others.

Rare is the youth that can give you what you need friend.

My prescription for this rather sticky situation?

I think your introspective view here is a wise one. You need to get comfortable with that void inside you... You need to measure its sides, plumb its depths, until you can comfortably understand it. I think you are long on your way towards that friend.

And then you need to examine yourself and ask, "What makes me worthy of filling the void in others?"

Ah, now there is at least a treatment for the pain you feel!

You have cried out to others who are pain- and no help came. You see friend, the human condition is rather like a train wreck... everyone on the train is wrecked. They are wounded and unable to help themselves, let alone anyone else.

What they need and what you need are one in the same. You, just as they, need a whole person to help them. So here we have this train wreck of humanity calling out for help to other wounded people... What is to be done...

Well you can start by becoming a whole person, rather than an injured one.

And just what is a whole person you ask?

One that is willing to give of themselves to others, freely and without expectation of returns. Don't take what I say next hurfully friend. Because it is not meant to be. I am like a Doctor in this. If as your Doctor I diagnose you with cancer -and I don't tell you- how am I worthy to be your Doctor? You must know what a thing is to fight a thing. And you seem ready to fight friend.

You must work on being attractive to others, not in the physical sense- for here the greatest of vanities lie. But in the heart sense, the love sense. All around you is hurt and pain and agony- all victims of the train wreck. You need love and compassion, admiration and trust- so do they. But the great oddity is, you will only get those back if you give them.

True, some will simply use you for the aid you provide. You can choose to look upon them as selfish, petty and mean- and that would be true. Or you could look upon them as people that need your help. Tell me, does a Doctor continue to help you after you are well? Does a medic continue to tend once you are in the care of others? Or are they glad for your wellness and happy they helped you recover?

Some, indeed most, will walk away from their time with you, giving you little in return. But that should not matter. You are a giver friend, if you wish to be. You give to those that ask and are in need freely.

If you do this, you may eventually find another that is so enamoured with you that they fill your need as well. But until you begin to fill the needs of others, how are you different than they are?

You are just another selfish person looking to cram someone into your void in the hopes that they will fill your needs.

Ouch, I know that hurts... I hurt when I realized that I had this same void- and had been stuffing people into it to make me feel better.

I suppose it comes down to this. Are you willing to be the kind of person that helps others fill their void? Or are you going to remain a broken, hurting person waiting for someone else's gift to fill your void?

You must be the change you wish to see my friend.

I am sorry for your agony.

Sorry even more that you wrote this journal four months ago- and no one replied.

You see my theory proved by this. Most people are broken and can't help you. They are too busy stuffing things into their voids to help you- they have no time or energy left.

Lastly, you need to see others in light of their brokenness. Certainly some things are your fault. But a person that practices graciousness to others is rarely at fault- though others will tell you so nonetheless. But if you always act in kindness, then those accusations will fall flat, especially with those watching from the outside. Remember that hurtful people act hurtfully because of the pain in their void. And very often when you give them what they need, they throw it back and demand what they want.

You can only do two things when faced with this- and you will be faced with it. You can buy into their game and be hurt by what they say or you can forgive them in the understanding that they are hurt.

The latter is your preferred option.

Make sure though that you are as a Doctor- First do no harm. Take each accusation seriously and examine yourself and your motives. Were your motives pure? Or were you trying to stuff someone into your void?

I shall let you go friend, because I have babbled relentlessly now for far too long, lol.

My hope is that you will see my words as help to someone that needs help. My hope is that they aid you in this era of contemplation you are in. Please understand that even if they sound foolish, I was offering them with good motives.

Good luck my friend! I hope you get through this time and feel better about yourself and humanity.

Sincerely,

Anthony Ficton