Sorry for another sad journal, but i thought maybe people who don't speak regularly with me might want to know? i don't know, maybe even people close to me do? I don't really feel like repeating all this to every person i know so this is how i'm doing it.

after my journal about crashing depression i was starting to pull my way out and people were helping me feel better about myself and my art (hey at least i got to finish my art progress piece mostly). so a huge thanks to people who have helped me.

I'm not crashing again (yet) which is good. and this journal isn't really about me. but, i may be even more quiet than i typically am (dunno how that's possible, but i think it's just that i'm not gonna be online in general).

My gramma is ready to enter hospice care. Basically, she has pneumonia (a rare type that needs aggressive treatment) and the lymphoma has also spread into her lungs. the long and short of it is all they can do is keep her on the hydrocodone/morphine mix with anti anxiety pills and oxygen until she passes.

I'm feeling a lot of things. i'm angry because she has weaponized being ill in the past to get her way. i'm sad that i'll be losing my 3rd out of 4 grandparents. i'm conflicted in seeing her so sick she can't even move around in her bed and for some reason it's ok to put an animal that sick out of it's pain and misery but a human is taboo? also it's a flippin hyuuge holiday for my family and i'm trying to fix it. there's a lot of turmoil in me, nobody asked me to do this, but i've always fallen into the role of a 'fixer' or a stoic one for people to lean on. both me and one of my aunts are basically good for that when other people are hurting. often times hurting people need some sort of pillar or support.

so, i'll mostly not be online. if i am online i might not be super chatty like i had planned to try and do more. it'll be some time, i'll bounce back just need a bit. i'm not opposed to chatting just, might not be all myself.