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A decade of lizard - Or how I started living again
5 years ago
Decade over, usually nothing special. But I decided to write my little story down of how the fandom changed my life. Because I firmly believe that the furry fandom is the sole reason why I am still alive today.
Also because it fits very much that I was first exposed to the furry fandom 10 years ago in one way or another.
Before 2010:
I am very branded by my younger years as all throughout my school time (class 5 till 12, German education system is odd! ) I was an outcast and very much so... bullied into the ground. After school and job training there wasn't anything left of me other than a husk. A husk that tried to pretend everything was alright for my parents as they already suffered from losing my younger sister from dying in her sleep.
I pretty much cut contact to every person I knew at my school as they all helped in traumatizing me. So I still suffer today from various mental issues ranging from depression, social anxiety, scared of relationships and an abnormal amount of self hatred. Even today I can't look into the mirror without hating absolutely every aspect of my appearance. At my lowest points I had 2 suicide attempts which I survived and then later explained as accidents in shame.
So when entering University I pretty much only did to get away from my hometown and try to find something to do with my life.
2010: University
First time living at a dorm away from family, when not at university for courses, I was locked into my room and spent it at the internet as my only place to socialize. Though at that time I was way too shy to get out of the safety from anonymity.
As stupid as it sounds, my first contact with furries was at “writing.com” writing very very shitty giantess / macro interactive chapters for 1-2 years till I got a mail from someone who became later my friend. Pretty much the first time for me to talk with another person about my strange tastes without feeling persecuted. They even lured me out to do my first growth and macro related roleplays.
2011: Met the first person from Online IRL
During my university I was also registered at a forum of a gaming web-page for a game... Shitposting behind an anonymous profile their and just having fun with others. At least till the person next to me in the computer lab saw at what web-page I was and started up a conversation that they also are registered there and play the game.
Ouch... I was so fucking scared at that very moment. Because I had a very irrational fear of people finding out who I am and that I am 'fat' IRL. Because I connected that very hard with being bullied during my school days. It turned out as not being that bad as we kinda became friends and supported each other during the university times. Pretty much my only friend I had during studying, which was kinda odd. But pretty much lost contact after graduating as I am super bad at keeping in touch with people.
-
On further note at that year I first registered at F-list and Furaffinity and started to develop my characters and roleplayed. Even more so started to get art and meeting my first friends in the fandom.
2012: Bachelor of Engineering
After 3 years of studying I finally graduated. I was pretty average with a... somewhere between an A and a B as in Germany there are different sorts of grades. I wasn't really bullied at university, but my lack of social skills pretty much prevented me from forming meaningful bonds. I pretty much just went from start to finish with as little human interaction as possible, retreating back to the internet as soon as possible as it was my only way at the time to socialize.
2013: Start working as an Engineer
I was maybe job hunting for 2 months until I got a position as an engineer at an office about a 2 hour drive away from home and my university. I didn't really care as being away from home to isolate myself furthermore from everything that reminded me of the past. In retrospect it was not a bright idea as it turned out that one of my bosses there was a real sociopath who at times made my life hell.
2014-2015: Working, gathering experience, further retreating into my husk
I can't tell anything special about these years as I further and further started to drift away from life. I just existed and was slowly, but steadily eating myself into an early grave. At my worst time I was at 370 pounds and I just did not care. I hated myself so much that I was not giving a fuck if I would someday just die from obesity. I had no much will to change anything about myself. I overcompensated my lack of self worth by showering the little friends I had with gifts and just ordering art behind their back with their characters as a surprise. I still suffered from depression which moved in a pendulum motion. At some days I was okay and happy... while at others I suffered really heavily. Starting destroying stuff in my home and even self harming. I wasn't really suicidal anymore, but rather didn't care for my future. Socially isolating myself further and further while wearing a mask at work that pretended to be a normal human being.
2016: Eurofurence 22, First Furry convention
After hearing from a friend from their convention experience, I kinda decided I should try that as well. Asked them if they would take me along next time in order for me to not entirely alone their as I had no idea what was waiting for me there.
Pretty much my first vacation I spent outside from my home, traveling to Berlin via train and being a nervous wreck the first day at the convention. I really had no idea how to deal with this and was just curling up all shivering and sweating on a couch till my friend could pick me up. It was very surreal for me and it took a long long while for me to slowly open up and experiencing a bit more of the convention.
I met another friend there I knew a little bit from talking online and was almost too scared to approach them as my mind was flooded with the thoughts “I am just a bother, they will hate me, better not try than being rejected”
But it turned out to be the right move to meet them! I pretty much winged them the whole remaining convention as they knew a lot better how to navigated a convention than me. This way I managed to meet even more people. Attend my first macro meet and vore meet. Trying to come out of my shell a bit more. Being utterly stunned that nobody was hating me and just accepting me for the way I was. Very unfamiliar experiences for me. People just accepted that I am a giant lizard, which opened up something inside me that I thought was long dead and rotten.
Towards the end of the convention I briefly saw the fursuit of my future maker! I was way too scared and shy to approached but I remember that I absolutely loved the fursuit.... yeah... it might have been the padded hips! Very wide feminine hips on a fursuit... I immediately loved that concept. Pretty much what sparked a few months later after the con for me to start changing my life forever.
Starting to work out and stop eating trash. Pretty much making an 180 with my life.
2017: Started to loosing weight
A lot of changes happened in the years afterward. I registered at the local gym and am going there regularly ever since. Eating nearly vegetarian and healthy whenever I can. Pretty much working towards getting a body shape to have a fursuit like the one I saw.
I searched the whole internet and with the help of YouTube, figured out who was the person owning and making the fursuit, getting very committed to commission her for one when she opened up her fursuit business.
Also from that point onwards I accepted Lilith as my sona, before that she was merely a character I owned. She pretty much embodies everything I want to be. Big, strong and confident. Being powerful enough to help out all of her friends in need.
2018: Got my fursuit
I failed to meet my weight goals though, but still opted to get a partial fursuit to explore the suiting.
Eurofurence became my convention therefore which I visit every year now. Learning more friends know there with each visit.
I am still combating my demons from the past. They got severely weakened though with the help of my friends, but to this day I am still suffering.
2019: First time in the US for MFF
The current year. Lot of stuff happened from my work life becoming much more stable.
Yet I still suffered from really bad depressive episodes. So much that a friend convinced me to tell my sister and doctor about it. I took my first steps towards self improvement by going to a psychotherapist now, getting the counseling I need. Even after half a year of therapy I still feel there is a long way ahead of me to overcome all of the things broken and wrong inside me.
I traveled for the first time to the US and met my friends there I know now for almost a decade. It was the most positive experience in my life. The last days of the convention I barely noticed my self hated and my issues with appearance and gender. Friends truly can help to heal a broken soul.
2020: Onwards
I don't know what will await me, but I know that with the help of my friends I can make it. I very much feel that I wasted at least 5 years of my life by socially isolating myself. To this day I was in no relationship due to me being scared irrationally of rejection. Maybe someday I can reach a state to reach out to somebody, but that is still in the future.
For now I am just glad that I found at least some fertile ground to repair and regrow my soul... wow that sounded really bad! Well I pretty much poured forth my decade of shit I went through. Mostly venting and therapeutic!
Also because it fits very much that I was first exposed to the furry fandom 10 years ago in one way or another.
Before 2010:
I am very branded by my younger years as all throughout my school time (class 5 till 12, German education system is odd! ) I was an outcast and very much so... bullied into the ground. After school and job training there wasn't anything left of me other than a husk. A husk that tried to pretend everything was alright for my parents as they already suffered from losing my younger sister from dying in her sleep.
I pretty much cut contact to every person I knew at my school as they all helped in traumatizing me. So I still suffer today from various mental issues ranging from depression, social anxiety, scared of relationships and an abnormal amount of self hatred. Even today I can't look into the mirror without hating absolutely every aspect of my appearance. At my lowest points I had 2 suicide attempts which I survived and then later explained as accidents in shame.
So when entering University I pretty much only did to get away from my hometown and try to find something to do with my life.
2010: University
First time living at a dorm away from family, when not at university for courses, I was locked into my room and spent it at the internet as my only place to socialize. Though at that time I was way too shy to get out of the safety from anonymity.
As stupid as it sounds, my first contact with furries was at “writing.com” writing very very shitty giantess / macro interactive chapters for 1-2 years till I got a mail from someone who became later my friend. Pretty much the first time for me to talk with another person about my strange tastes without feeling persecuted. They even lured me out to do my first growth and macro related roleplays.
2011: Met the first person from Online IRL
During my university I was also registered at a forum of a gaming web-page for a game... Shitposting behind an anonymous profile their and just having fun with others. At least till the person next to me in the computer lab saw at what web-page I was and started up a conversation that they also are registered there and play the game.
Ouch... I was so fucking scared at that very moment. Because I had a very irrational fear of people finding out who I am and that I am 'fat' IRL. Because I connected that very hard with being bullied during my school days. It turned out as not being that bad as we kinda became friends and supported each other during the university times. Pretty much my only friend I had during studying, which was kinda odd. But pretty much lost contact after graduating as I am super bad at keeping in touch with people.
-
On further note at that year I first registered at F-list and Furaffinity and started to develop my characters and roleplayed. Even more so started to get art and meeting my first friends in the fandom.
2012: Bachelor of Engineering
After 3 years of studying I finally graduated. I was pretty average with a... somewhere between an A and a B as in Germany there are different sorts of grades. I wasn't really bullied at university, but my lack of social skills pretty much prevented me from forming meaningful bonds. I pretty much just went from start to finish with as little human interaction as possible, retreating back to the internet as soon as possible as it was my only way at the time to socialize.
2013: Start working as an Engineer
I was maybe job hunting for 2 months until I got a position as an engineer at an office about a 2 hour drive away from home and my university. I didn't really care as being away from home to isolate myself furthermore from everything that reminded me of the past. In retrospect it was not a bright idea as it turned out that one of my bosses there was a real sociopath who at times made my life hell.
2014-2015: Working, gathering experience, further retreating into my husk
I can't tell anything special about these years as I further and further started to drift away from life. I just existed and was slowly, but steadily eating myself into an early grave. At my worst time I was at 370 pounds and I just did not care. I hated myself so much that I was not giving a fuck if I would someday just die from obesity. I had no much will to change anything about myself. I overcompensated my lack of self worth by showering the little friends I had with gifts and just ordering art behind their back with their characters as a surprise. I still suffered from depression which moved in a pendulum motion. At some days I was okay and happy... while at others I suffered really heavily. Starting destroying stuff in my home and even self harming. I wasn't really suicidal anymore, but rather didn't care for my future. Socially isolating myself further and further while wearing a mask at work that pretended to be a normal human being.
2016: Eurofurence 22, First Furry convention
After hearing from a friend from their convention experience, I kinda decided I should try that as well. Asked them if they would take me along next time in order for me to not entirely alone their as I had no idea what was waiting for me there.
Pretty much my first vacation I spent outside from my home, traveling to Berlin via train and being a nervous wreck the first day at the convention. I really had no idea how to deal with this and was just curling up all shivering and sweating on a couch till my friend could pick me up. It was very surreal for me and it took a long long while for me to slowly open up and experiencing a bit more of the convention.
I met another friend there I knew a little bit from talking online and was almost too scared to approach them as my mind was flooded with the thoughts “I am just a bother, they will hate me, better not try than being rejected”
But it turned out to be the right move to meet them! I pretty much winged them the whole remaining convention as they knew a lot better how to navigated a convention than me. This way I managed to meet even more people. Attend my first macro meet and vore meet. Trying to come out of my shell a bit more. Being utterly stunned that nobody was hating me and just accepting me for the way I was. Very unfamiliar experiences for me. People just accepted that I am a giant lizard, which opened up something inside me that I thought was long dead and rotten.
Towards the end of the convention I briefly saw the fursuit of my future maker! I was way too scared and shy to approached but I remember that I absolutely loved the fursuit.... yeah... it might have been the padded hips! Very wide feminine hips on a fursuit... I immediately loved that concept. Pretty much what sparked a few months later after the con for me to start changing my life forever.
Starting to work out and stop eating trash. Pretty much making an 180 with my life.
2017: Started to loosing weight
A lot of changes happened in the years afterward. I registered at the local gym and am going there regularly ever since. Eating nearly vegetarian and healthy whenever I can. Pretty much working towards getting a body shape to have a fursuit like the one I saw.
I searched the whole internet and with the help of YouTube, figured out who was the person owning and making the fursuit, getting very committed to commission her for one when she opened up her fursuit business.
Also from that point onwards I accepted Lilith as my sona, before that she was merely a character I owned. She pretty much embodies everything I want to be. Big, strong and confident. Being powerful enough to help out all of her friends in need.
2018: Got my fursuit
I failed to meet my weight goals though, but still opted to get a partial fursuit to explore the suiting.
Eurofurence became my convention therefore which I visit every year now. Learning more friends know there with each visit.
I am still combating my demons from the past. They got severely weakened though with the help of my friends, but to this day I am still suffering.
2019: First time in the US for MFF
The current year. Lot of stuff happened from my work life becoming much more stable.
Yet I still suffered from really bad depressive episodes. So much that a friend convinced me to tell my sister and doctor about it. I took my first steps towards self improvement by going to a psychotherapist now, getting the counseling I need. Even after half a year of therapy I still feel there is a long way ahead of me to overcome all of the things broken and wrong inside me.
I traveled for the first time to the US and met my friends there I know now for almost a decade. It was the most positive experience in my life. The last days of the convention I barely noticed my self hated and my issues with appearance and gender. Friends truly can help to heal a broken soul.
2020: Onwards
I don't know what will await me, but I know that with the help of my friends I can make it. I very much feel that I wasted at least 5 years of my life by socially isolating myself. To this day I was in no relationship due to me being scared irrationally of rejection. Maybe someday I can reach a state to reach out to somebody, but that is still in the future.
For now I am just glad that I found at least some fertile ground to repair and regrow my soul... wow that sounded really bad! Well I pretty much poured forth my decade of shit I went through. Mostly venting and therapeutic!
I'm writing this message to say I'm glad you could go to those furry cons and experience the healing power of unbridled acceptance. That feeling of belonging, of finally finding a place where you can be yourself, and no one to shame you for it, instead embracing you with open arms.
To a new year and a new life! :cheers:
Scars heal very slowly
Keep those spirits high <3