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Reflections on the Past Year
5 years ago
FIDUS ET AUDAX
Some of you may remember a journal entry I made a couple years ago about whether it's worth my time to even bother with FurAffinity. I've lately been having similar thoughts resurface recently while reflecting on this past year.
For the record, I'm not an outgoing or trusting individual. My childhood friends, despite still being on very good terms, live on the other side of the country, as do my immediate family. I barely relate with anyone at work, and of the few social circles I have outside outside of work, there's really only one person out of it all with whom I feel safe confiding on very personal matters, be it pertaining to the Fandom or otherwise.
So what does this mean? I rarely stray from talking shop in most of my social circles, be it with regards to work, wargaming, tabletop, or video games, burying everything else unless I know for certain that those present can handle some of the more sensitive tangential topics I'm willing to talk about. Even in the Furry Fandom, I feel compelled to restrain myself in the same manner, because that's really the only way I know how to fit in and belong.
This leads me to being a very passive member in several social circles, especially those in which I'm merely there for the common interest and not much else. Add my trust issues into the mix, and I become the quiet person sitting in the back corner because there really is no one at the party I can relate to, let alone hang out with, and generally feeling like an outcast.
The worst part about the resulting loneliness however is the desperate need to fill that social void with something, no matter how hollow or shallow, and for me, that substitute consists of parasocial relationships.
For those unaware, the parasocial refers to social behaviours revolving around emotional connections that are rarely reciprocated. Celebrity worship is a commonly cited example, in which a fan may see a given celebrity as a close friend they've known all their lives while the celebrity likely isn't even aware of that fan's existence.
I personally find the Furry Fandom, with all its love of masks, costumes, and pseudonyms, to be particularly bad for inducing this kind of behaviour, of setting up false expectations through an online persona that is oftentimes at odds with the person behind it, and of creating fictitious characters that are more likeable and relatable than most people in the real world. It's very tempting to think of the entire Fandom as a perverted mob of liars and charlatans as a result, even if that's hardly the case at all.
As of this post, there have been two... personas I've been struggling to accept.
The first is TannerTokage , an individual whom I had considered to be a good friend in person. Given how sudden his departure from social media was and how quick he seemed to cut off any form of communication, I don't know exactly the reasons why he did any of that (save for maybe Trump's election into office?), but his resurfacing years later left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Is this even the same person I remember chatting with? Was he always like this? The only conclusions I can infer from this are that either I never knew who Tanner really was, or he'd been replaced by a doppelganger during his self-imposed exile, and I desperately want to be proven wrong on either account.
The second, a lot more recently, was Strype . I've mulled over this one with fireorca before, but I still cannot make the connection between the artist he was and the person she is now without such a degree of imposter syndrome that I have not been able to physically bring myself to commission her since she revealed her transgender status, which is a shame because I really like her artwork.
In both cases, I feel like my trust in either individual has been grossly misplaced. The first is in the form of watching someone I knew drift apart so much that their new persona, a wannabe-Chaos Sorceror living in Seattle, is a far cry from who I remembered them to be. The second is self-inflicted, having never actually known the individual in question beyond their business and forming preconceived notions as to who they were before having those notions shattered so thoroughly that I don't know where to begin picking up the pieces.
I don't want to open myself to more of this petty heartbreak. I don't want to compensate for my loneliness by taking up such hollow relationships. I don't want to be bottled up like this, for risk of having it blow up in people's faces.
I want to feel like I belong, and so far one good friend in constant contact and a common interest are not enough for this to be a healthy social outlet for me.
Seeing as I don't know where to go in this godforsaken Fandom, I guess what I'm trying to say is "Help?"
For the record, I'm not an outgoing or trusting individual. My childhood friends, despite still being on very good terms, live on the other side of the country, as do my immediate family. I barely relate with anyone at work, and of the few social circles I have outside outside of work, there's really only one person out of it all with whom I feel safe confiding on very personal matters, be it pertaining to the Fandom or otherwise.
So what does this mean? I rarely stray from talking shop in most of my social circles, be it with regards to work, wargaming, tabletop, or video games, burying everything else unless I know for certain that those present can handle some of the more sensitive tangential topics I'm willing to talk about. Even in the Furry Fandom, I feel compelled to restrain myself in the same manner, because that's really the only way I know how to fit in and belong.
This leads me to being a very passive member in several social circles, especially those in which I'm merely there for the common interest and not much else. Add my trust issues into the mix, and I become the quiet person sitting in the back corner because there really is no one at the party I can relate to, let alone hang out with, and generally feeling like an outcast.
The worst part about the resulting loneliness however is the desperate need to fill that social void with something, no matter how hollow or shallow, and for me, that substitute consists of parasocial relationships.
For those unaware, the parasocial refers to social behaviours revolving around emotional connections that are rarely reciprocated. Celebrity worship is a commonly cited example, in which a fan may see a given celebrity as a close friend they've known all their lives while the celebrity likely isn't even aware of that fan's existence.
I personally find the Furry Fandom, with all its love of masks, costumes, and pseudonyms, to be particularly bad for inducing this kind of behaviour, of setting up false expectations through an online persona that is oftentimes at odds with the person behind it, and of creating fictitious characters that are more likeable and relatable than most people in the real world. It's very tempting to think of the entire Fandom as a perverted mob of liars and charlatans as a result, even if that's hardly the case at all.
As of this post, there have been two... personas I've been struggling to accept.
The first is TannerTokage , an individual whom I had considered to be a good friend in person. Given how sudden his departure from social media was and how quick he seemed to cut off any form of communication, I don't know exactly the reasons why he did any of that (save for maybe Trump's election into office?), but his resurfacing years later left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Is this even the same person I remember chatting with? Was he always like this? The only conclusions I can infer from this are that either I never knew who Tanner really was, or he'd been replaced by a doppelganger during his self-imposed exile, and I desperately want to be proven wrong on either account.
The second, a lot more recently, was Strype . I've mulled over this one with fireorca before, but I still cannot make the connection between the artist he was and the person she is now without such a degree of imposter syndrome that I have not been able to physically bring myself to commission her since she revealed her transgender status, which is a shame because I really like her artwork.
In both cases, I feel like my trust in either individual has been grossly misplaced. The first is in the form of watching someone I knew drift apart so much that their new persona, a wannabe-Chaos Sorceror living in Seattle, is a far cry from who I remembered them to be. The second is self-inflicted, having never actually known the individual in question beyond their business and forming preconceived notions as to who they were before having those notions shattered so thoroughly that I don't know where to begin picking up the pieces.
I don't want to open myself to more of this petty heartbreak. I don't want to compensate for my loneliness by taking up such hollow relationships. I don't want to be bottled up like this, for risk of having it blow up in people's faces.
I want to feel like I belong, and so far one good friend in constant contact and a common interest are not enough for this to be a healthy social outlet for me.
Seeing as I don't know where to go in this godforsaken Fandom, I guess what I'm trying to say is "Help?"
for me, 'the fandom' has always been a complicated phenomenon, and my relation with it even more so. Admittedly, I am prone to over-analyse things (often to my own detriment) but the fandom has always carried this sense of petty desperation and pitiable sadness that I have found impossible to divorce.
But I suppose that is to be expected of any escapist fantasy, but perhaps the furry fandom's relative unsubtlety when it comes to the creation of the "ideal self" exaggerates the effect? Nevertheless, my involvement in furry social groups has often lead to social frustration, unsure whether to blame others or myself.
As for help? Focus on what you enjoy, and avoid the allure of false-fame. Do things because they please you, not because they would please others. the fandom is, ultimately, something purely for one's own entertainment, and if it causes you grief, then it has failed it's only reason for existence.
blah blah ramble blah.
I would love to be proven wrong, however.
But yeah, barring a handful of exceptions, I don't feel like I've met any genuine people within the Fandom.
What do you mean?
I'll admit that a fair amount of that is because I've been cooped up at my place of employment for more than a month with no opportunity to leave for home during that time.
When it comes to meeting people, so far I've had success in simply 'doing my own thing' while attempting to be outgoing and respectful to anyone that comes my way.
...At least to a point. Of course there's people online who have a shallow or exploitative approach to social bonds, but they're usually pretty evident if one examines their actions and/or motivations. I can't say I can think of a specific strategy for meeting people, but knowing what you want out of an online relationship (friendship, etc. nothing in-depth), and what you don't want certainly helps.
I could go on about perception, motivation, personality types, etc. but I'm having trouble putting it into words at the moment.
Tanner on the other hand? Not a word back from him. Between him dropping comms without warning and refusing to respond to hails, I have no idea what drove a wedge between us, and I don't just accept things as they are without knowing why. All I know is that a number of mutual friends have also made the same remark, which leads me to believe that he's either been indoctrinated into a cult or is a corpse being impersonated by a doppelganger. Again, I would like to be proven wrong, but nothing I've been able to sleuth thus far has been able to suggest as much.
As for self-help books, I appreciate the offer, but on first impression I'm not sold on the idea that I have to use honeyed words and a Stepford smile to win over hearts and minds.
This isn't particularly a critique of Carnagie's work, as I've only read the synopsis, but when it comes to self-improvement I don't have a high opinion of the mentality behind "fake it until you make it". It's not in me to pretend to be something I'm not just to get the adoration of others, nor do I see it as an effective means of accomplishing that goal in a safe and reliable manner.
For that, I'd sooner turn to principles of military leadership as befits my background:
- Achieve professional competence.
- Appreciate your own strengths and limitations and pursue self-improvement.
- Seek and accept responsibility
- Lead by example.
- Make sure that your followers know your meaning and intent, then lead them to the accomplishment of the mission.
- Know your soldiers and promote their welfare.
- Develop the leadership potential of your followers.
- Make sound and timely decisions.
- Train your soldiers as a team and employ them up to their capabilities.
- Keep your followers informed of the mission, the changing situation and the overall picture.